Hi everyone. I'm a bisexual woman in my mid-twenties, and I'm living in the Midwest with my boyfriend of four years. After about a dozen years of questioning, it recently became breathtakingly clear that I would like to live life as a gay woman -- not later, after this relationship fizzles out, but now, when I am young and sexy and still alive, as presumably I someday will not be. Although our relationship has been through some ups and more downs, my boyfriend and I love each other. I came out to him earlier this year but assured him (truthfully) that I had no desire to leave or change our monogamous relationship. That was months ago. Since then I've struggled. I want more. I want to explore my feelings for women. I was content to wait for our relationship to fail as long as the target of my desire was purely theoretical. Recent events have conspired to change that!!!! Now I know have to let him in. I have to tell him what I've been thinking about these last few months. I want advice on how to start this conversation, what to say, what not to say. I haven't cheated on him and I hope to make it clear that this is not about cheating. I plan to say things like "I want to explore my sexuality, and I have to do it alone," you know, really noble and brave things, like I'm a superhero and this mission is just too dangerous for him. That'll work, right?!?! I do not see this conversation ending without a breakup. Did I mention we live together? About three months ago we went through a pseudo-breakup, so most of the questions surrounding who lives where, etc. have already been sorted out. Living together means I don't have a lot of space to process these feelings privately, without hurting him. It also means I am almost always just going through the motions. I feel dishonest and gross, and I am making him sad every day. I can't live like this anymore. I have to come clean, but I want to do it the right way. Any advice?
If you are going through the motions and making him sad every day, it's probably for the best that you have this conversation now. It's bad enough if one person in a relationship is unhappy, but if you are both in the same sad place what's the point in continuing and heaping more heartache on the situation? All of the key elements for the conversation are contained in your post actually, so you just need to follow the flow of what you wrote here and have the talk now. He is already aware of your attraction to the same sex, so you don't need to come out all over again. So, taking it in order, emphasise the following points: You still care about him You told him the truth earlier in the year when you came out to him Your feelings have changed since You now realise that you are gay You want to explore your feelings/sexuality You want to date women exclusively You need to move on You still care about him... but it's time to be honest There is no way of sugar coating it, I'm afraid, so be as kind as you can be, but try to stick carefully to the key points. Labouring the conversation and fluffing around all of the points too much will do little to lessen the impact. He may be hurt, but if he is sad and you are too, it's time to move on.
