The other day, they admitted to me that they found it "disturbing" when I had asked. Now, it is different. They refuse to refer to me as bisexual, well they don't refuse but they just keep calling me "gay" tonight. I haven't called them on it yet, but I will. Earlier today, there was a bit of an exchange where I asked her if she would never speak to me again because of things related to this. It's kind of a compulsion I have, but I never asked it in reference to this before. She said that she wouldn't ever refuse to and that she has said she would always love me. However, I did overhear her saying something about "There's uncertainty in life" before I left. She says stuff like that about things sometimes, so I don't know what to make of that for sure. I thought I heard her say something about there being uncertainty about that specifically too, but I'm not sure. To me directly, she said that she would never refuse to speak to me or anything. Well, maybe this was wrong since nobody said this to me. In fact, they said the exact opposite that they always would remain in contact with me. Later in the night, she brought up concerns related to aids. Well, at first I appreciated her concern but had a sense she may be trying to put fear into me. She denied this, so I just appreciated concern. Then, it turned hostile. She started by saying that she thinks maybe I am just saying this and thinking of "trying" this as a way of rebelling basically. I deny this accusation obviously, and she answers by just saying, "okay, your actually gay" or something to that effect. Again, she completely ignores that I am bi rather than gay! It gets worse though, she tells me that she thinks that my being "gay" makes her feel like, "what's the point of it all?" and like "it's one thing after another" given the fact that she sees me as immature. Then, she starts saying that if I were more mature and in an adult role, it wouldn't be so much like that basically. The whole tone of this conversation went from neutral to a full blown shouting match where she not once even referred to me as bisexual but instead as just "gay". She was just yelling at me and in a loud, hostile manner. It's weird though, because they used to be supportive and seem loving. In the past, I even heard, "We'll love you no matter what and we'll always want to be close with you". They seemed to be pretty accepting and loving. My Mom even played a guessing game with me about which friend of mine I liked. Hell, she even offered to get me nail polish when I wanted to wear it. She said she was fine with me doing that, and there was no problems. Nobody gave me a hard time about it or anything at all. They've now said some pretty crazy things, but it's not just what they said. The whole turn was belligerent and hostile, it seemed. It's weird why such a seemingly loving person would flip out on me like this. If this type of bullshit continues, I don't think that I'm going to be able to stay in this house. I don't know what I can do to make them fucking believe me 100% and stop denying it for good! What the fuck do I have to do?!?!?! I also am shocked that they have such a negative view of this that they would say that it makes them feel like "what's the point?" The hostility is really unfortunate and I am having doubts that it will get better with them. Maybe I am realizing the truth that they are not "real" people and don't really love me in a true sense.
I am sorry you're having such a hard time. I've read your posts over the last few days and I feel for you. That being said I have to say as I read your posts I sympathize with your mother. And I really think you should spend a bit of time trying to see the situation from her perspective. I think it would help both of you. In reading your posts it seems pretty clear to me that your mother loves you a great deal and wants to be supportive. It also seems pretty clear to me that she is terrified for you, terrified that perhaps you aren't up to the challenge of the life you're choosing to live. Yes, I know being gay or bi isn't a choice, but embracing it and being open about it is. Now, of course I think it is the right choice, but it's a choice nonetheless. And it's hard and I think it is reasonable for her to be afraid for you. I know my parents were sick with fear for me. In my opinion that's why she focuses on the "gay" part. "Being" bi could theoretically not change your life that much, choosing to pursue being with men (the "gay" part of being bi) will in her mind. Being out is hard. Don't get me wrong, it's also wonderful, but it's hard. I don't think anyone can read this board long without realizing that being LGBT can make your life very difficult. People are going to reject you for no valid reason. People you don't even know will be disgusted by you. It will make people uncomfortable. Well-meaning people will say the wrong things and many people won't even be well-meaning. The world is full of people and they won't all do and say the right things. It is in a very reasonable way the last thing a mother would want for her child. And you have to have a thick enough skin to rise above it or it will drag you down. It seems to me that your mother is desperately looking for that thicker skin, for some proof that you're up to the challenge. And it seems to me that you are undermining her attempt to find that at every turn. Every time you fly off the handle at her choice of words, I can almost guarantee what she is thinking--OMG I love him and it's like this, what's he going to do when the real haters come out? Like your mother said, life is full of uncertainty. There are no guarantees. Part of being an adult is dealing with that. My parents were loving and supportive--and at 44, they're both dead. And life has to go on. If you really want to know what you can do to make them be more accepting and confident about you and your life going forward--you can show them that you're up to it, that whatever life throws at you--because it's going to throw some sh*t at you, it does for all of us--you're strong enough to handle it and be happy any way, because that's what they want for you. Be strong and be happy--and they'll be fine. I remember my Father telling me what finally brought him around, what finally made him proud of me and how I had handled being gay was when he finally realized that he had raised a son who could have the whole world, unfortunately including his parents, tell him that he wasn't alright, that he wouldn't be happy, and that son stood up and said screw you all, I'm going to be fine and then proceeded to show them. "What," he said, 'isn't to be proud of in that?"
