Venting Frustration (Long post, shield your eyes!)

So, this is my first time posting at this site... Hi! I was looking for a support site for a friend of mine who's just 'come out of the closet' to me, and I found this. It looked pretty good so I decided to join it.

Anyway, on to why I'm posting on the Support and Advice board, mostly just to vent and get it off my chest. At school among my friends I'm basically known as the... Listener, I guess is the best way to describe it. I'm the friend that always keeps a level head and keeps their lips zipped when it comes to secrets. They come to me with their problems, I promise not to tell anyone, and they get out their frustrations/fears/angers/sadness to me. Usually then I give them advice and all is happy and wonderful again.

My trouble is, I do like being the Listener, but I don't have anyone to talk too. I'm generally a very disconnected person and brush my emotions into the closet, I have a very harsh belief that they will make me weak. I generally have one person who vents to me the most, we joke that she's my sister though we look NOTHING alike. But she vents to me often and goes through depression, anger, all the bad stuff a lot. Sometimes I find myself thinking "You KNOW what you're doing wrong, you KNOW it's going to make you feel bad later, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU NOT LEARNING THE FIRST TIME?". Not that I actually say that. Now I'm starting to pick up on it, and I find I can get depressed when she's like this, or my emotions (which are supposed to be ignored) go on freak out and I turn into a wreck.

Usually I can handle this, I snap out of it after about two days of not sleeping and running around like a maniac looking for something I can't find. But now, the closet-friend I mentioned earlier is looking to me for some support. Understandably, friends do that. I told him about a year ago that I thought I dug chicks too, and he was a little shocked. We still got along though, even though I would get annoyed because he would make rude remarks about gay people. Tuesday he pulled me to the side and told me that he was gay. I was in shock for the rest of the day.

I’m fine with it, of course. Actually, while I would never wish for someone to go through what most gay people do, it’s such a relief to have someone to talk to about it. He’s the only one I had ever admitted I possibly liked other girls to, and I never talked to anyone about it. Even my sister (that’s how I will refer to her as) doesn’t know. The only reason I refer to myself as bisexual, is because I’m afraid that if I say I’m lesbian, which is a higher possibility, the guy I want to be with will come along. Then what am I? But it’s my brother (once again, not actually related, but close enough to call him this.) I’m really worried about.

See, I’ve only known about my sexuality for about a year and a half. He’s known for FOUR years. He thinks he’s going to hell, and his parents are very Christian. One quote I heard him say his parents said, “Just call them faggots and drive them out of the country”. God, that hurt him so bad. He’s afraid his parents are going to kick him out if he tells them he’s gay. I’m considering recommending him to a consular, I gave him a book I thought he would relate to well (The God Box), and I sent him the link to this site. I want to cry for him.

I had the same thing with my Grandpa, the whole verbal thing, just not as bad. He was driving me home yesterday and we were talking about my brother and being gay, he says. “Well, you don’t have to worry about your sexual glands. Our family runs straight. I’m not sure whether or not God made our family that way, but hopefully he’ll keep it that way.” Meanwhile, I’m CRINGING in the back. I felt like I was going to be sick.

I guess… I don’t know, I probably just needed to tell someone about how frustrated I feel. This seemed like the perfect place to do it without having to worry about anyone from school recognizing me. Heh, that was a long post, felt good to get it off my chest somewhat though.