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Where do I go from here? (bisexuality and marriage)

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by JustBecause, Jan 23, 2009.

  1. JustBecause

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    My husband and I grew up together and have now been married 5 years. Since we got married, I have become more open about being bisexual and secure in my sexuality, but it has never really been an issue for me. I just never made a big deal out of it, I guess. For years, I have thought that perhaps he is too - I can't put my finger on it, but I was getting a vibe, you know? But when I'd ask him, he would deny it. That's the backstory.

    Last week, my husband was assulted late at night outside a store. It took a fair amount of coaxing out of him, but he finally told me that he feels the assult was his punishment for being bisexual. I wasn't shocked that he is, but rather that he has kept it from me, that he has lied to me. We have had so many discussions on sexuality, there have been so many opportunities for him to tell me, and he didn't. I understand that it must be different for a man, but I can't understand that he could be married to an openly bisexual woman and not mention at some point that he is too. And then there's the fact that we've known each other for so long, and long before being lovers, were best friends, and he never told me then either.

    Once I admitted to myself, then confided in some people that I am bi, I felt so much better. I don't care if he never tells another living soul, as long as he can be comfortable being out to me. I need him to know that not only do I accept it, but it's part of what makes him who he is, and that's someone I love.

    My problems fall into a few feelings I am having.
    1) I'm upset that he didn't tell me before now, especially as I've been out to him for several years.
    2) I'm upset that he genuinely thought that his being bisexual would change how I feel about him or my attraction to him.
    3) Even if he never tells anyone else, I need him to be comfortable with his sexuality. How do I help him with that?
    4) I still have to deal with his assult and the fact that he feels it was punishment for his sexuality. Any ideas how to be supportive to that?

    Thank you for any support or advice you can give.
    JB
     
  2. NoLeafClover

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    I can understand your frustration. As far as you were concerned, there was no reason for him to fear your reaction to him telling you about his sexuality. Kudos to you for keeping your thoughts about it in the open - I think it will help.

    Some men are very sensitive about the way people see them. Even though you've known him for so long and you could have sworn he'd be comfortable enough to confide in you, there are still things that permeate that certainty, and it usually turns out to be those very things that he himself hasn't resolved. If he feels he was punished through (what sounds like) a random assault that had nothing to do with his sexuality, then he clearly feels guilty about it. He was trying to blame the attack on himself because of something he's not happy with in himself =(

    How does he get through that? He needs reassurance and self-love. This - "I need him to know that not only do I accept it, but it's part of what makes him who he is, and that's someone I love" is something you shouldn't mind repeating whenever you think it's necessary.

    Like a lot of us, he needs to get it through his thick head that he's a beautiful person and that he deserves to be happy :icon_wink
     
  3. Lexington

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    I think #4 is your hint to the other ones. He feels so bad about his bisexuality that he genuinely feels that when he got assualted, he "deserved it". Just for BEING bisexual, not even doing anything about it. Given this, it's not surprising that he wouldn't admit it to you - it sounds like he couldn't even admit it to himself.

    How can you get past this? Possibly by continuing to be a positive role model. By continuing to be open and happy about your bisexuality. He can then see that it isn't something to be scorned or hidden, but something to be accepted. It'll probably take some time, but keep at it. Gently. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  4. littledinosaurs

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    1. You shouldn't be upset with him for not coming out to you, its something that he obviously isn't comfortable with and he might have just recently fully come out to himself and left the denial stage.
    2. :\ i am sorry that he felt that way, but i would attribute it to that fact that society has a very bad view on 2 men dating which might be why he felt that way.
    3. Umm making him comfortable? I guess just talking to him about it and sharing experiences maybe? Telling him that it's ok and there is nothing wrong might help, but there is a possibility that he will never be comfortable with it.
    4. I don't know if he's every acted on his bisexual feelings, if he hasn't then it can in NO way be punishment for his sexuality. If he has then ask him why you haven't been punished? show him that people just don't get punished for things out of their control and that the assault was just a random event taht would have happened whether he was gay straight or bi.

    Good luck! :slight_smile:
     
  5. JustBecause

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    Thank you for the advice. I ended up having my husband read my post, and am glad I did.

    My husband and I have talked more about his bisexuality, and apparently he's always known. He even had a bit of a relationship in high school with a guy; something I never knew. He's fine with his sexuality, he was just afraid to tell me because of the walls he's built up and because he would have so much to lose if I freaked out about it.

    This really does answer so many questions I had lingering about him, things that just didn't fully add up, and I'm very glad I know now that he is. However, this has also caused me to take a long look at myself and some feelings I have, and that talk is coming tonight I think. I guess I just have never fully accepted that I have such intense feelings and now that I know he's been there too, it's easier to let myself have them.

    I'm scared to death in a way because I feel like admitting that a part of me has never been fulfilled because I've never been with a woman and have always wanted to be is in itself cheating. In retrospect, I had opportunities when I was younger but because it took me so long to feel comfortable, I didn't see the chances for what they were when I had them. And I feel guilty because I want to be with a woman and shouldn't my husband be enough? Does it cheapen my marriage vows? What if I would have just gone with my feelings one of the times I was kissing a girl at a party, and let something happen? Admitted to myself that it was more than a stupid party trick or alcohol-prompted experience? Anyway, I guess my point is, I have so many conflicting feelings, so many questions of my own unanswered, and I have no answers for myself. Does that make sense?

    About the assult, he's dealing with it okay. Coming out to me has made it easier for him to deal with it, and although he's not quite ready to talk, I can tell he's at least processing it, which I know takes time itself.

    So thanks again for the advice, and I know you'll hear from me again.

    JB
     
  6. 1974

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    You have not cheapened your marriage vows, you both love each other an that is what matters, where it goes from here is for the both of you to discuss but again gently and try to find out what you both want. I aso understand your cheating views having been ther but on the other side. You cannot help what you want or who you are do not be hard on yourself.

    From your husbands point of view, a month before i got married i was also assaulted, and again took it as my puinishment for having gay feelings, it is a weird part of my make up, i have worked through it now, it is nothing to do with punishment it is just some people assaulting someone for no apparent reason.

    All i can say is keep talking and the right path will be found.

    (*hug*)
     
  7. JustBecause

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    Thank you 1974.

    I will update again soon, I'm sure. I love having somewhere I can be a mess around.

    Thanks, EC.
     
  8. Jim1454

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    LOL! In some respects - we're all a mess! Isn't everyone?!?

    I'm glad you're working this through with your husband. Good luck!
     
  9. Pendrin2020

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    You know, there are a lot of couples who have open sexual agreements with rules. You know, the spouse has to know and consent. There are a lot of things to talk about before going there. Both of you should spend a great deal of time talking about and weighing that decision. There really is nothing wrong with it if you both consent. I personally know several couples who are very active in the swingers scene. I've never joined them, but most of them are like any other happy couple. I guess being a swinger is just like being gay/bi, you are and you just accept it.

    But first, you need to talk to him about your feelings and get settled in with the current news from each other. Make sure you two are Okay right now.
     
  10. JustBecause

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    We've talked quite a bit about what we both want, and we both seem to be on the same page, but...

    I don't know. In theory, I'm fine with what we've discussed. In reality though... I'm just not sure if I'm handling it. I'm feeling overwhelmed and threatened and getting reoccuring migraines and having incredibly bizarre dreams. The fact that we both realize that this isn't something to act on right now is the most reassuring thing of all about the situation to me.

    I fought with everything I had to be with him - it took a long, long time before he'd ever admitt his feelings for me, even though I admitted mine when we were seniors in high school. I wish I could just leave the past in the past, but... we were friends with benifits for years before we actually started dating. When we did, there was a lot of baggage involved that I had to leave behind. And now the baggage is kinda showing up again and I don't want it. I don't want any of it. I have too much on my plate in life right now, in general, to even deal with this.

    Sometimes I wish I could just go back a few weeks and beg him to not leave the house that night, and have never had any of this come up right now.

    Anyway... that's just my update.
     
  11. Pendrin2020

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    I think it's time you both brought this to the attention of a professional. There are a lot of things going. I SERIOUSLY recommend finding a good couple's therapist.

    You would be amazed at how much it helps.
     
  12. Jim1454

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    Yes - my wife and I really benefited from counselling - even though we had decided to end our marriage. It can really help.

    Remember that you can't go back. You can't change the past. Focus on today and what you need to do.
     
  13. littledinosaurs

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