Last minute advice needed - almost ready to come out

I've been stressing over this for over a year now. I've called an advice hotline and talked to countless strangers over the internet. I don't know what I'm waiting for, I think maybe there's going to be one person who will say the right thing to me and it'll click, and then I'll get the last bit of confidence I need to come out to my best friend.

I don't feel right hiding it from her anymore, it's causing me anxiety and making me unhappy. We're very very close, like sisters. We live together, and do everything together. Ironically a lot of times people think we're lesbians. It seems to make her very uncomfortable. It makes me even more uncomfortable, because yes I am (though no one knows), but she's not, and we're not together.

A good friend of her's, who also happens to be her boss of a self-employed company is a republican, religious, and very anti-gay. I am so worried if and when it gets back to her about me, that she's going to assume that I must be a couple with her, and she'll fire my friend. She's over at her house right now house-sitting until Sunday. I decided I want to tell her online before she gets back. I figure this will give us some buffer from seeing each other, and it'll be a lot less awkward for both of us. However, she's been there almost two weeks now, and I still haven't been able to tell her.

We also have a very complicated past, in which I became very upset over a relationship she started again with a man she ran off with when she was 16. We were buying a house together, and I was so freaked out she was ditching me after making such a huge commitment, that I told her I never wanted to speak with her again if she was just going to run away again. She ended up attempting suicide and was committed for weeks. I'm so worried now she's going to think because I'm a lesbian that I was in love with her, but really it was abandonment issues I was having. I don't feel any kind of sexual attraction towards her what-so-ever, but now I'm scared everyone is going to think that, and it'll hurt her life and her job.

Does anyone have any advice for me? Has anyone come out online before? Did you use email or IM? What's a good opening line? I'm feeling really lost right now and scared. I know I'm very close to finally doing this and hopefully feeling comfortable.

 

Thanks. I am really worried about no. 3. Cause that is not my intention. But to me by randomly saying that I'm gay, is sort of... odd. Like I'm expecting something from her in return, when I'm not.

Email might still work for us, because we're online together a lot. So it would maybe be like a little less connected IM.

I have no idea if she knows or not. She knows I haven't dated men, and I never look at boys, I never call boys hot. I wonder if she thinks I'm just not interested in anyone, or what. Maybe I will present it like I assume she knows already, but right now I'm thinking of saying... I have something I've been meaning to tell you, and it really doesn't change anything, but I just don't feel it's right to hide it anymore. But, I don't know.

Our relationship obviously has problems if this is something I'm unable to find the courage to tell her. Even though I know it won't cause her to stop talking to me, move out, etc., in fact I don't think she'll care at all. But because I've made the situation so awkward by waiting so long, and because of incidents in the past that have made me look like a jealous freak, I worry.

I think I'm going to contact her tonight when she's on. I'm just not sure if it's going to be IM or email.

 

Thank you, I really appreciate the quick advice. I've been re-loading the board hoping I could get some last minute advice before I do this tonight. I have to set this goal for myself, or it'll never happen. I was sure I was going to do this back in August.

Whenever she's upset about something or we fight, she usually sends a long email explaining how she feels, so that's why I'm leaning towards the email. I've gotten very good about talking about how I feel in person, but I'm not ready for this. The IM scares me, just thinking about waiting for her text to appear, gives me anxiety. At least an email I can hover the mouse over it for a good five minutes before I have to click to see her response. :rolleyes:

 

I will probably be re-creating this tonight! :icon_bigg

 

I can't wait to be able to not freeze up when gay issues come up, or try to cleverly change the subject. We saw two girls making out in our college parking lot the other day, and she asked me if I saw them, and I had to pretend I had no idea what she was talking about. Smooth. I should have told her right then. Heck, maybe she knows, and is bringing up these things to try to get me to tell her. I hate not knowing, and I hate not knowing what to expect. I hope by tomorrow, I'll feel a lot better about myself.

 

I couldn't do it.

She came over and watched some movies and by the time she left and got back online it was so late and I just froze up. I'm thinking about writing an email now and sending it for her to read when she wakes up tomorrow. I'm just so afraid.

 

PS: I should add that I don't think sending an email is the nicest thing I could do. It could be hours before I get online, and she might have questions or concerns. But I think I may have to be selfish, because I don't have the courage to do this any other way.

 

Thank you. I managed to send the email last night. It was very long, and I think for me, a very good letter. I felt wonderful with no regrets after I emailed it, and I knew after feeling that way that I had made the right choice. However, I got up a few hours ago, and I felt just dreadful about it. To make matters worse, it's noon now and she still hasn't checked her email, which is very unusual. She typically gets up early, and I thought it would be over and done with by now. Now it's just drawing everything out and I have more anxiety than ever. I wish she would get on and read it.

 

Thank you for the support. Starfish, I'm going to go read your thread after I respond.

It's 2:30pm now and I'm getting kind of worried. An email for us is usually not a problem. I know her schedule, and we are both hopelessly obsessive about checking our emails. She's housesitting and caring for horses right now, and she has to get up early to feed them. It's very very unusual for her not to have checked her email in the morning. And now it's so late in the day, I don't know what's going on. I'm too afraid to call and see what's up, and I know she hasn't even read the email yet (I can check the status of it on AOL).

I'm getting paranoid, too, like I feel like she knows something is up. I don't know how much longer I can wait before I unsend it. It's been over 8 hours since I wrote it. She went to bed at 4am, and I mailed the letter at 6am. There's no way she could still be sleeping...and the horses...

 

Thank you. And it turns out that I did read your story before.

She signed on shortly after I posted. Maybe the internet was down, or who knows. It's very odd though and very bad luck for me. I know her very well, and it's unusual. Even if she wanted to go somewhere, we live out in the middle of nowhere, and there isn't a morning that's gone by that we haven't checked emails. I think she must not have had a connection, but only time will tell. I'm waiting now to give her some time and then I'm going to sign on and talk to her.