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Continuing the family name and Pressure

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Daemon, Dec 10, 2015.

  1. Daemon

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    On my shoulders is a big pack of weight to carry on my family name by having children. I want children most definitely children that are related to me by blood. However I want to have a relationship with a man. I think ultimately this pressure is what is keeping me from coming out.

    There are four males in my generation that share my last name. Myself who is bi-sexual, my cousin who is gay, and my two younger brothers. Who are just becoming teenagers themselves. This puts a lot of pressure on me to have children. I expect my brothers to be straight at this point based on what I examine so that relives a bit of pressure but they are still at least 10 years in not more away from having children.

    I just want to be selfish and move to California and have a boyfriend. But then I feel like I'm betraying my family. Family is literally my reason for existing so it's hard to be selfish when it comes them. I know I would be happy with a woman since I am bi-sexual but I don't want that to be my life. I feel a strong urge to live my life with a man.

    I think this is because I nearly proposed to the woman of my dreams and she broke up with me. I also feel like I can't do this because my cousin who is gay in already married at 20 and they are moving to Florida. Who am I to abandon my duty as the oldest male and who am I to abandon my family.

    I hate this guilty feeling I always thought I would get married to a woman and have children and be the pride of my family but I literally have the urge to drop it all and live how I want.
     
  2. Ram90

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    I can understand what you are going through on some level.

    I belong to a traditional family where I'm expected to marry, take responsibility of the household and have children keep my illustrious :slight_smile:p) line going. Well, thankfully my parents don't expect me to take care of them too much, so that's some relief. But I know they will want grandchildren to spoil, whether it is 5 years down the line or 10.

    It is definitely some pressure for me. Mostly, in my case, since I haven't come out to my parents as not being straight.

    I definitely want to have children and I want to give my parents that joy, but I at this moment, I feel like I want to have a relationship with a man in future and have a family with him (however that is possible. I know there are multiple avenues for having children)

    So don't get me wrong when I say this, but why not be selfish and move to california and have a boyfriend? I don't see anything wrong in it. Like I said above, if having children is something you want sometime in the future, apart from carrying on family duties (having children) like you mentioned there are way right?

    Surrogacy or adopting children? I know you said you want to have children related by blood. I don't know if surrogacy works completely in that way, but I like to think it does since I think I want to go that way in the future.

    As for abandoning your family, I don't think that is what is going to happen. Don't get me wrong when I ask you this, but do your parents expect you to stay home and take care of them? Do they expect you to wire money to them in case they're ok with you staying elsewhere? Do they expect you to be home weekly or monthly or all the time? I'm asking this because duty doesn't mean you have to be there physically unless they want you to.

    I know I want to settle elsewhere and study and work and find a partner of my choice elsewhere. Definitely not close to home. And I'm firmly rooted in my traditions and values, so even if my parents refuse, I know I will wire money home to them every month when I get a job and I'll want them to visit me. And I definitely want them to come live with me where I am if I can't come back to them by the time they're really old.

    So I don't know your definition of duty. Maybe you should take a step back and analyse it. :slight_smile:

    My two cents
     
  3. ANerdWhoCares

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    Surrogate parents completely work this way! It's really no different from having a kid with a female partner, as long as the father-half of the genetics come from you, then that counts as continuing the bloodline. If your family is the kind that believes that those would be "bastard children," then you've got to tell them they're s**t out of luck! Maybe you do have duties to your family, but you also have duties to yourself. You were given life to live it however YOU want to, and by bending your lifestyle to other's desires you're only betraying yourself. :confused: I understand that it's hard to turn your back on what your family expects of you, but with two straight younger brothers, your family's desires can be fulfilled by them.

    Think about what would happen if you DID marry a woman, and have kids with her, just to make your parents happy. Of course there's the chance you'd be content with that, but you'll have to live with never knowing what could've been... I urge you to do what'll make your life a happy life, no matter what others think. You only get 1 chance at living your life, better make the most of it!

    Hugs! (*hug*)
     
  4. Ram90

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    (*hug*) Thanks for that.