so ive pretty much decided im coming out to my mother within the next month or so.. ive written a letter, but its just random paragraphs going off in different directions... i need some help putting it in some sort of order... this is what i have soo far. any edits anyone wants to make would be great... Dear Mum I am writing this letter to give me another chance to say what’s on my mind. I know I will only get one chance to say it, because once you know.. well I think we both know how you will react. You will label me as ‘one of those’ and possibly disown me, but I don’t care anymore. I am who I am. This is me, your daughter. My feelings wont change – nor do I want them to. There’s no easy way for me to say this to you. In all honesty, it shouldn’t be hard either. I kept putting it off for ages with a number of excuses, the most common being that I should wait until I can say it to you in person. The truth is they were just excuses. It would be no easier to say this to you in person. Over the years I’ve dropped subtle hints to you from time to time, but it’s now time to bring the matter out into the open. For good or ill, I need it clarified. If it is for ill, then so be it, and I’ll accept the consequences. I am gay. (Please don’t call me a lesbian, I really dislike that word) There is no if’s, but’s or maybe’s about it. I can’t honestly remember being any other way. No amount of tears or praying or wishing can change that… why? Because I realised that there was nothing wrong with it, I did all the praying, crying and wishing that anyone possibly could. Over time I came to realise that the only reason I thought there was something wrong with it was because you had told me so. Years and years of insults about my friends, who you always called ‘those people’ and the dirty looks and sly comments. I learnt not to mention the word gay around you, for fear of starting yet another argument about how my life isn’t turning out how you wanted it. I understand that you were raised in a different generation. I understand that you probably listen to what bigots say about homosexuality. I understand that you are the way you are because of the way that you were raised, the social circle, you have your own personal beliefs. Do you remember that day I came home from school, I was in grade one? I told you I wanted to turn into a boy so that it was normal for Daphne and I to get married. I then remember you telling me that it was wrong to think that way, and I was a girl, I would grow up and get married to a man and we would have a family and I would make him happy. From then on I thought were right, how was I to know any different. I came out to my first person in year 6, everyone was talking about who they had a crush on, and they asked me, I said I didn’t know. Boys were nothing to me, but I had had a few crushes on girls. My friends then told me that I shouldn’t tell anyone, because I would get put over the fence for that sort of thing. I see the relationships that my friends have with their mothers, and I wonder why we don’t have that. You don’t know how much I wanted to tell you about the first time I went to a gay bar and felt like I fitted in. Or when I finally worked up the guts after months to ask this girl for her number. Or my first time I had sex, (although you will understand what I learnt from that night later on in the letter) I’ve never been able to talk to you about anything in my life without lying to you, so I don’t say anything. If you’re still reading then you’ve gotten further than I expected you to. I’m sure you have quite a few questions. How long have I known? Since I was 11. It took a few more years forme to fully realize the full implications of what in meant to be gay. I accepted it when I was 14, but I still tried everything to change it. When did I choose? I never did choose. I never had any choice in the matter. There is also one other thing I need to tell you. It’s kind of like a second coming out. It may make the 1st bit a little easier for you to take. I’m asexual. This one is a lot harder to explain. Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction. There are many different levels, some experience romantic attraction, some don’t. Some experience arousal, some don’t. This is more of a foot note compared to what I stated earlier. To put it clearly, I’m interested in females, just not sexually. I don’t believe I should change who I am for someone else, so I generally don’t get involved. I would prefer to have my friends, then to screw up a relationship over sex. I’ve never been interested in sex, as long as I can remember. I use to think it was because I wasn’t interested in guys. Sex with guys repulsed me (not that I’ve ever tried it – but ew) But I feel the same way about sex with females. I’ve only told a couple of people that I’m asexual, it’s not that big of a deal. Most of my friends just know that I don’t date. It’s to complicated. I just say that people expect things from me, than I’m not willing to give… (They can think what ever they want…) The truth is that trying to explain to someone that you are asexual is like trying to explain to someone that you wouldn’t want to win the lottery. Everybody wants to win the lottery, everybody wants to have sex. This is just how I feel, just like ‘I like the colour green.’ There cant be anything wrong with it because it’s how I feel.. There are many more questions I could answer, but for the moment I wont. I will leave the next step up to you. You can either choose to call me, and we’ll talk, or to ignore me. But it won’t change me. It is time that I started living my own life, rather than a pretend one. It took me a long time to accept being gay and I realise it may take some time for you too. You should know that I am still the same person now as I was before you read this letter, I just want you to know who I am as well. There are also these pamphlets and website I left you. AVEN is easily the best website I have found. It has helped me understand soo much about myself. Hopefully it will provide answers to many of your questions. Your Daughter Fiona
Hi there! It is a really good letter. If I may make one suggestion: I would delete the following part: I think it would be good if you would leave your mom with the feeling that you do want to talk about it and that she can ask and talk to you about it as well. Good luck. I hope it goes well for you.
OK, you are not going to like this one little bit but this is my view point as a mum, your letter is agressive and confrontational. You blame your mum for her view point on homosexuality, there are almost certainly reasons for this and should not be used as a stick to beat her over the head with. You want your mum to accept you for who you are and yet don't accept her for who she is. You reproach her your poor relationship. Yes mum's do have more responsability than the child for the relationship but it is NEVER all one person's fault, two people make up this relationship, you and your mum. She has certainly made mistakes, we all do but have you always been the perfect daughter? Stop pointing the finger of blame, it's not going to help. Could you try and tone down your letter so that it will be less confrontational with less placing the responsability. Why on earth in the same letter where you annonce that you are gay would you want to tell your mum that you have already had sex. Hasn't she got enough information to deal with!!! What is the aim of telling her that unless it is just to distress her even more and make a difficult situation even worse Just tell your mum that you do know her views on homosexuality but that you cannot agree with them and that you are gay, that you understand that this announcement will have an impact on your relationship but hope that with work, time and understanding on both sides you will be able to overcome this. If you’re still reading then you’ve gotten further than I expected you to. Excuse me but that is just rude. If you spoke to me like that I would put the letter down and say sod you mate. What on earth has your mum done to you that you would speak to her like that! So you have just told your mum you have already had gay sex then tell her that you are asexual. WTF!!! Take one thing at a time. Either tell her you are gay or asexual but don't confuse the issue by talking about both things at the same time. These are in fact two seperate issues. Take your time and give your mum the chance to take things on board and come to terms with things as best she can without confusing her even more. If you want a good outcome to your announcement you are going to have to seriously review this letter.
I agree with Louise 100%. From reading your letter I can see there are a lot of hard feelings there. I've been there and know how it just eats you up. I know it is hard to see now, but trust me life is so much better if you can just leave them behind. I'm not going to go into it here but there was a lot of stuff I held against my parents. I have forgiven them, though unfortunately in the case of my mother it was posthumous. My dad has a good 25 years left and building a good relationship with him in those remaining years is a hell of a lot more important than the mistakes we both made in the past. If allowed to, coming out to your mother has the potential to tear what's left of your relationship to shreds. Don't do that. Use it as a way to come closer to her and to strengthen your relationship. Yeah it will be hard as there will be a lot for both of you to over come. In fact if homosexuality is a big deal to her it will require you to take the high road and will take time. Don't be confrontational and don't place blame for anything. I only have 1 true regret in life and that is not forgiving my mother before she died and building a relationship with her. It saddens me so much that typing this makes me want to cry. You only get one set of parents and there is no other relationship that is like that between parent and child. So make it worthwhile.
thanks guys... and louise i do agree with you. i know it is a very hostile letter, its just a first draft and i know it has a lot of work. (this is what i want to say, i just gotta re-word it) i wasnt sure about telling her im asexual. im sure she would be fine with that, (she would probably prefer it to me being straight. my mum is very homaphobic, i know im only going to get once chance to say this to her,so i wanted to put everything in one... thanks everyone.. ill work on it and give you another read later on... did anyone think it was too long?
ok, its been a while... new and improved... im planning on giving this to my mum 2moro.. (well acutally its 2day... in about 3 hours... if i get some sleep first) any advice would be great! Dear Mum I am writing this letter to give me another chance to say what’s on my mind. There’s no easy way for me to say this to you. In all honesty, it shouldn’t be hard either. I kept putting it off for ages with a number of excuses, the most common being that I should wait until I can say it to you in person. The truth is they were just excuses. It would be no easier to say this to you in person. In the last 3 years this letter has been edited several times, and completely re-written. Over the years I’ve dropped subtle hints to you from time to time, but it’s now time to bring the matter out into the open. For good or ill, I need it clarified. If it is for ill, then so be it and I‘ll accept the consequences. I am gay. (Please don’t call me a lesbian, I really dislike that word) There is no if’s, but’s or maybe’s about it. I can’t honestly remember being any other way. I came out to my first person in year 6, everyone was talking about who they had a crush on, and they asked me. I said I didn’t know. Boys were nothing to me then, I had had a few crushes on girls but I didn’t really know what that meant. My friends then told me that I shouldn’t tell anyone that, because I would get put over the fence for that sort of thing. I’m sure you have quite a few questions, you can ask me when ever you want, but I will try answer a few now. How long have I known? Since I was about 11. It took a few more years for me to fully realize the full implications of what in meant to be gay. I accepted it when I was 14, but I still tried everything to change it. When did I choose? I never did choose. I never had any choice in the matter. Its not you’re fault, you raised me to be someone that I hope you are proud of, and I believe I was born this way. I am out to almost everyone that I care about, but you and peter. I think peter may have guessed, but I haven’t told him. I thought you may have figured it by the amount of rainbow stuff I wear. I came out in January last year, to a few close friends all around the same time. since then I have become more comfortable with myself, It has been my new year’s resolution for the last 3 years to tell you, though now with me going overseas, I don’t want to wait any longer. I’m telling you this because the last few years I have felt like I am walking on eggshells when I’m talking to you. I have been hiding behind fear of what the reaction might be. I don’t want to have to keep my life a secret anymore. I finally have something to be proud of and fight for. I have never fought for anything in my life, or been proud of what I am, as much as I am now. You don’t know how much I wanted to tell you about the first time I went to a gay bar and felt like I fitted in. Or when I finally worked up the guts after months to ask this girl for her number. I’ve never been able to talk to you about anything in my life without lying to you, and I don’t want to do that, so I don’t say anything at all. There is also one other thing I need to tell you. It’s kind of like a second coming out. It may make the first bit a little easier for you to take. I’m asexual. This one is a lot harder to explain. Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction. There are many different levels, some experience romantic attraction, some don’t. Some experience arousal, some don’t. This is more of a foot note compared to what I stated earlier. To put it clearly, I’m interested in females, just not sexually. I don’t believe I should change who I am for someone else, so I generally don’t get involved. I would prefer to have my friends, then to screw up a relationship over sex. I’ve never been interested in sex, as long as I can remember. I use to think it was because I wasn’t interested in guys. Sex with guys repulsed me (not that I’ve ever tried it – but ew) But I feel the same way about sex with females. I’ve only told a couple of people that I’m asexual, it’s not that big of a deal. Most of my friends just know that I don’t date. It’s too complicated. I just say that people expect things from me, than I’m not willing to give… (They can think what ever they want…) The truth is that trying to explain to someone that you are asexual is like trying to explain to someone that you wouldn’t want to win the lottery. Everybody wants to win the lottery, everybody wants to have sex. This is just how I feel, just like ‘I like the colour green.’ There can’t be anything wrong with it because it’s how I feel.. There are many more questions I could answer, but for the moment I wont. I will leave the next step up to you. You can either choose to call me, and we’ll talk, or to ignore me. But it won’t change me. It is time that I started living my own life, rather than a pretend one. It took me a long time to accept being gay and I realise it may take time for you too. You should know that I am still the same person now as I was before you read this letter, I just want you to know who I am as well, and hopefully Your Daughter Fiona
I think this last one is still a bit confrontational. Couldn't you just leave the whole part between "you can either choose" and "rather than a pretend one" out? So it would read like: Unless you really want to end on a negative note...
Sweetheart, I'm still in agreement with Louise and I'm talking to you as the father of two adult sons. Although your letter has the foundation there, it still, in my humble opinion, needs to be polished. I don't know your relationship with your mum. Do you love her? If you do, I don't feel it in the letter. Everything we do in life should be tempered with love. I was once told to remember that 'everyone you meet in your lifetime is carrying a burden'. I have received some horrible letters from my son, who is a drug addict with severe mental illness issues. I have conversely received loving letters within a week. They both cut to the bone. When you do this letter, write it as if you were your mom reading it. Temper it with love, not challenge. I reiterate what Louise pointed out. I'm not an expert on this but you are either gay or asexual. From what you have described, I would think you would just want to tell your mom you are asexual and tell her what it's about. Telling her you're both is only confusing the issue. If you back your mum into a corner with confrontational language, aren't you really just spinning your wheels. Are you advancing where you want this to go. Maybe you should tell her that the reason you are bringing her into the loop is because you really love her and her understanding is more important for you to have than anything else. Otherwise why even bother writing the letter. End it with the salutation, I love you with all my heart, You're not writing an inner office memo, you're writing your mum. Hope this helps you.......
^^ i think i might have been reading the 1st letter, i have a second one, cut down alot. nicer... i did change the end to.... There are many more questions I could answer, but for the moment I wont. I will leave the next step up to you. It is time that I started living my own life, rather than a pretend one. It took me a long time to accept being gay and I realise it may take time for you too. You should know that I am still the same person now as I was before you read this letter, I just want you to know who I am as well, and hopefully you can get to know the real me... i did it thismorning... got the reaction i was expecting.. she wants me out of the house (i already knew that would happen, i was ready to go) but i was hoping she wouldnt react like that... dont have much time to talk now, ill try come back later and tell everyone what happened.... thanks guys
how can mothers just throw out their own kids like that? it's completely wrong! >.> sorry for your problem. a big (*hug*) for you. give her some time. she may come around.
Oh i was waiting to see when you gave it to her. Obviously not a good outcome tho. Sounds like you already made other plans knowing it would happen that way. I can sympathise somewhat, the same happened to my bf when he told his mum, although it worked in our favour, because he came to live with me when it happened!
she wants u out?! i feel for u... i cant even begin to imagine how that must feel. i hope u get through it ok.
Well, if you done the letter lovingly, then there is nothing more for you to do. The ball is in your mum's court. Hopefully time will bring her around. Never lose faith.
thanks guys... its been a few days (i just realised, i came out to her on the 27th of feb, 1 year after i signed up to EC) she hasnt tried to contact me yet. not even a txt. she is usually really overprotective, and wants to know where i am every second of the day... im living with my ex girlfriend atm, dont know why i didnt move out sooner, im soo happy here, i dont want to go home...
