Hello everyone. PLEASE READ EVERYTHING AND HELP ME. To make this simple: I need help, it has gotten to a point that I don't know how to define myself anymore. My sexual life has gone like this: 1. Since I am 6 years old I have had a fetish for men. Playing around with my friends I liked watching them in their underwear, etc... And since I am 10 years old I started having feelings for men. 2. However, just like any other person. I have had emotional feelings for girls too. 3. When I was 15 I had a girlfriend, we didn't do anything sexual just some touching and we were on and off too often. Things didn't work so well, the relationship lasted 8 months. 4. I was single for about 5 years, without even dating anyone. I was focused on studies and college. 5. In a study program abroad I got drunk a few times, and kissed some chicks. But that only lasted while we were at the bar. Later I didn't want to have sex with them or even see them naked. 6. Last year in summer I had my first homosexual encounter with two guys. But after a few moments I was done with that since they were my roommates. 7. In winter of 2014 I met the most wonderful person I have ever met in my life. I was resurrected from the dead. I felt something again. As the days passed I became madly in love with this person: a man. 8. We are still in a relationship! We are both closeted but we manage to meet every week. See each other, cuddle, etc.. Not lots of sex since we don't meet that much but we've had lost of fun. We've just had oral which is fine for both. This is what doesn't help: 1. I am fascinated by nature. How everything has come to be so perfect in life. How everything from bacteria to plants to mammals reproduce. It is just amazing. I believe that I am violating this perfect world since living a gay life I am not helping to reproduce. I wont have a "natural" family and biological children with my man if a plan to marry him. 2. I envy people who are bi/fluid, since they can have the fun part of being gay and the socially acceptable part of having a wonderful family later on in life. 3. I thought I was gay, but sometimes I feel really weird about it. So I search for hours and hours (until it gets sick to my mind) about answers on wether this is changeable or not wrong, etc... 4. My searches have led me to this forum, where most people (due to their life experienced, I guess) say that sexual orientation is fluid... So here comes the part were I don't know who I am. Am I GAY? But later on will be straight since I want to have a family? Should I end up my relationship because that way I may become attracted to a woman? Or should I stick to being gay and accept myself? How will I ever accept myself if I know I have a chance of being straight and having a wonderful family like lots of other people out there? My head is a mess... I am getting really sick of the searching and sometimes I get shut down, my mind just cant process anymore with all of the confusion and the searching... PLEASE HELP, with your comments, with your perspectives... I don't go to a psychologist because they will just tell me to accept myself but what am I going to accept if sexual orientation is not black or white?!?!
You should be true to your feelings. You cant change your sexual orientation. The fact that it is fluid doesnt mean you can change it because you want to. If you start an heterosexual family JUST because you think thats what nature/society wants you to, you and your familly will end up being unhappy. You should love the person you start a family with. There is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with being gay. There are gay animals in every species. And you can have an homosexual partner and still have children, if thats what you want. I definitely dont think you should end up with this relationship just because you wish you were straight. You say you are madly in love with that man. Are you aware of how many people out there dream about having a relationship with someone they are madly in love with? I think you should enjoy every moment of it without feeling guilty. Will you be in love with a woman in the future? maybe, maybe not. Who knows, maybe you are not 100% gay, maybe you are. I think it would be a huge mistake to give up what you have, which is wonderful, just because maaaybe some day you like a girl and then society will accept you. Screw society! its not your fault, its theirs and someday in the near future homosexuality will be 100% accepted.
I very much agree with AnotherStranger's advice. Many people, including myself, would do anything to have the kind of loving and caring relationship you have with this man. Don't take that for granted, and don't let it fall apart just because it's "not what nature wanted." Huge thing to consider; If nature didn't want you this way, then it wouldn't have made you this way! I'm 100% gay, and I've come to peace with that. But that doesn't mean that I can't find a woman attractive. I just can't picture myself living the rest my life with one, or worse, having sexual relations with one. (No thanks!) I had a healthy relationship with a girl for a solid year, but my lack of desire to do anything sexual with her is what caused it to end, and it helped me realize I was gay later on. I don't want to try and TELL you what you are, but I see some of my old self in you. I wanted to be the typical happy straight family for years, and I was actually afraid of gay people for a time. I thought being gay meant I had to talk in a feminine accent, wear pink shirts and skinny jeans, enjoy shopping more than video games, and that I couldn't have kids. Ever. But boy was I wrong. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with being gay. You can't change it, and to be honest, you should never want to. Be with who you believe will make you happy for the rest of your days, don't throw it away to try and be what's socially "acceptable." It's just not worth the mental torment and self-doubt. If you want to have children of your own some day, surrogate mothers, and possibly uterine transplants (still in testing) are an option. Be comfortable and happy with yourself, whatever you choose to be. But make sure it's what makes YOU happy. Not nature, not family, not society, YOU. Just remember;
Well the fact that you've dated both guys and girls tells me that you're at least bisexual. But... as the two before me have said, don't give up what you have. Like ANerdWhoCares said, there are many guys, including myself, who really want to be in a relationship such as your own, so that's something you should be proud of. Don't worry about any of that "it's natural to reproduce and it's everyone's duty", or "God didn't intend for me to be this way". At the end of the day, not all animals reproduce and there are some gay animals (although I really don't think they actually distinguish sexual orientation like we do) and if God didn't want homosexuality to exist, he would of done away with it long ago. Live your life in the present, in the now. Don't worry about where you'll be in the future. Plan ahead to make your life with this guy as good as possible and most importantly accept who you are. Don't conform to boring old society or the rules of nature, conform to yourself and who you are.
