Im 26 and still have not come out. As far as all my friends and family are concerned im straight and just have not settled down yet with the right girl. This is part of the problem... being in my mid 20s and still not out to anyone has meant that everyone in my life is hetrosexual and I have never had any sort of outlet to discuss my feelings of sexuality or discussion about the issue. My hobbies also mean I am deeper in the kingdom of hetrosexuality - I play rugby and squash and lift weights which has also meant I am less likey to talk to like mined people. In short I feel trapped, alone and sad. I feel if I had come out earlier when I started to have these feelings (about 19) I would not feel so isolated about being gay and intergrating myself in the gay community. I am really worried that some of my friends (who are all hetrosexual) may disown me and I will be left without their friendship that I have come to love. I am only 90% sure I am gay. I have had relationships with women but never felt any type of connection and could never repay true affection that were given to me. In these relationships I felt nothing but gulit as I always questioned my sexuality and leading my girlfriends on. I have read so many people on this board about how they have come out to their parents, people as young as 15 and I completely applaud their bravery. It makes me feel such a coward because I am reluctant to do the same, yet I know my mum loves me very much (as I do her) but feel this deep sense of being someone who seriously disapoints her and if it changed our relationship I would not be able to cope. Sometimes I go to sleep hoping that I do not wake up in the morning. Coming from a rural and traditional part of the UK has not helped either and I am worried about any abuse or gossip people may spout at my family because of my sexuality. I also feel a liar. I have always felt I have lived a principled life - I have done volounteer work, contributed to society and always worked hard in my studies and employment - yet I have come to realise I have infact lived a lie for 7 years and lied to all my friends and family. People may say it is a different sort of lie or try and put it into context but I feel thoroughly dishonest and such a prick. On a funny side of things my colleagues keep setting me up on dates with their single friends! I work in education so I really would not want any of my students knowing for the obvious reasons - perhaps best to keep it from colleagues so the students never find out. Anyway, totally depressed and flat. Fed up and need help and advice from anyone.
Aww I dont know if im going to offer any advice but if it helps im just like you, im 26 and noone I know is any the wiser that im anything other than straight. I agree that it seems harder because we are that bit older, although im not sure if that is completely true or whether it just feels harder whenever you decide to admit to yourself that actually there might be something there and you might need to start doing something about it.
I completely understand your predicament, i have only just come out before christmas after 34 years. It is hard, by the sound sof it you may have similar stories to tell as i do, i was always involved in the church, youth work, gym, running all the physical activities, Which just because you are 90 % sure do not need to stop. i dated girls and loved the friendship type of the relationship but not the physical. You can only be true to yourself and at the end of the day the longer you wind yourself up the more of a mess you become, I know i've been ther. After 9 years of marriage it screws with your mind and yes you do feel awful but since coming out that is beginning to fade and you become yourself the biggest step you have taken is joining EC so welcome, there are so many people here that can offer advice and help.
Welcome to EC! You took a big step with coming here. The best thing to do is to take things at your own pace. Remember that there is no timetable. I am 40 and came to terms with my sexuality only about a year ago. Once I have I have been a lot happier. You may want to try joining a support group so you can talk out your feelings. In addition hang out here for a while.
Hey, thanks for you kind replies. 1974, I was wondering how your hetrosexual friends and family felt after you came out. Cheers.
My parents dont know but my siuster has been fab. the rest of my friends basically said thank Fk for that :icon_bigg You will be surprised at what reactions you get, i was expecting to be shunned but honestly it hasnt happened like that at all. I havent told ALL my hetrosexual friends but several of the running club now know and they are absolutely fine with me in fact they ask me how its going so it is not all that bad. Sometimes we put more barriers up ourselves that arent actually ther. If they are your friends then they will remain your friends if not then there is nothing you can do about it.
Hi there and welcome to EC! I am glad you joined. In fact by joining EC and by writing your story out, you have already taken the first step. Starting to talk about your feelings and your sexuality is always hard but by starting to do that you started to turn the page. It does not matter how old you are. It is never too late to come out and to change things. You are not a coward nor are you a liar. There are reasons why we choose not to come up earlier. Often it is because we feel that we are not ready to take such a step. But it is okay. It is perfectly alright.We try to fit in as best as we can, because of the societies and surroundings we live in. At some point our hiding and fitting in becomes a 'normal' part of us even though it is not. We start building up internal homophobia, which starts taking over and does not allow us to look at ourselves from a different perspective. But by starting to open up about yourself you start changing it. Please know that you are not alone in the feelings of losing your friends and friendships that have come to mean a lot to you. You are not alone in fearing that you will disappoint friends and family. But most of the time, things do work out. Your parents will always love you. Your friends spend time with you because they like you for you. Your sexuality does not change that. It doesn't matter what you like in your life. Remember that all gays are different, like everybody else. What matters is that you pursue the things you like doing, like playing rugby and squash. Don't define them in terms of heterosexual sports, because I would be willing to bet with you that there are tons of other gay men who like to play them. Hey, you might even fall in love with someone who goes to the gym. Coming out to friends and especially to parents and other family members is never easy. In fact, they are one of the hardest things we can do. But there are ways in which you can prepare yourself for it. Try to become even more comfortable with yourself. Try to embrace your sexuality. It is something that you can not change, nor should you and you should not fear it. You are almost there, I think, but maybe stand in front of the mirror and just try saying it out loud to yourself: I am gay! Another thing you could do is try joining a LGBT group (if possible). Talking with others who are going through and have gone through what you are going through always helps. Sharing your fears and worries and being able to relate to someone will allow you to get to know yourself better and normalize your sexuality. It could even help you to move slowly forward. Yes, joining a support group can be challenging as it requires us to step out of our comfort zones, but if you can and want give it a try. Also, do you have access to counselor/therapist? If you do, I would recommend seeing one. Again, talking out loud about our fears and worries and about the journey that we are about to embark on can help us to understand it better. It can help us to understand ourselves better. Talking about it, will help you to feel better about yourself as well. Also, stick around here on EC. We are all here to help you. Keep reading the stories, and post what ever you feel you want or need to talk about. Sometimes, writing out things and reading them can help us as well. The most important thing though is, take your time. There is no rush. I hope this helps you a bit. Welcome again to EC!
Thanks to everyone who replied. I think the simple process of just writing down my frustrations. Im going to have a beer and get some sleep and sleep on it. Thanks once again.
