1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Is my boyfriend gay?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Pat828, Dec 15, 2015.

  1. Pat828

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2015
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    VA
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    I am a straight female and recently started dating a (presumably) straight man. He's made a few comments that had me questioning but I quickly forgot about them. When I introduced him to my friends, I overheard a few of them discussing how they think he is gay.

    More supporting info -

    -He is relatively inexperienced sexually. I am either his second or third partner (all females) and he is in his mid twenties. My number of sexual partners is significantly higher and, knowing this, he said he was nervous the first two times the opportunity for sex presented itself. He also, admittedly, has never finished when doing anything sexual with a woman (vs. just by himself). When we do have sex, he eventually just loses his erection.

    -He prefers oral and touching each other (for lack of a better term) to sex. I have exclusively been the one to initiate sex.

    -He helped an extremely intoxicated, male, homosexual friend to his room one night and admitted to me the friend kissed his neck. I can't imagine myself allowing the situation to get to that point? He was drunk himself though and maybe didn't have the quickest reactions. The friend also invited him to his room and he quickly declined.

    Evidence supporting him not being gay -

    -Although he doesn't initiate sex and doesn't finish during it, he tells me he enjoys it. He very frequently initiates oral sex and other sexual contact.

    -He is very vocal about finding me sexy and appreciating my body and the female form.

    -There is very obvious chemistry between the two of us.


    I apologize if any of the above comes off as offensive, that's not at all how it's meant. I wish I never overheard my friends talking about him. I really like him and I know I shouldn't care what other people think but I also don't want to be oblivious, with my head in the clouds, and potentially end up hurt in the long run.

    Are my friends just stereotyping and being judgmental or does it sound like there might be something else going on?
     
  2. Steve FS

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2015
    Messages:
    64
    Likes Received:
    19
    Location:
    Washington State
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Honestly, the one thing that makes me suspect that he is gay is the fact that he loses his erection and never finishes. If he's able to ejaculate on his own, then it's definitely a mental thing rather than a physical incapability. Every other evidence is pretty much hit or miss.

    I would recommend talking about this to him, particularly the sex part. Ask him what he thinks about during masturbation, and judge his responses accordingly. The last thing you want is to be the "beard" (the person a gay guy in denial is with to make himself appear straight).
     
  3. guitar

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2015
    Messages:
    2,062
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Southern Ontario, Canada
    He honestly kind of sounds like me. I dated several women into my early-mid 20s. I seldom initiated sex unless I was very horny. Like your bf, I preferred oral and making out. It always kind of felt "off" bit it never really hit home why.

    That is until I tried it with a guy and that all felt so "right."

    Denial & wanting to conform to society can be very powerful forces.

    Now, that's not to say your bf is gay. He could be shy or have sexual anxiety or mild ED. It's really hard to say.
     
  4. Patagonia

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2015
    Messages:
    145
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I think you need to separate all the invidual pieces of "evidence" you have. While you may love your friends dearly, they are experts on sexuality how? And they have such great gaydar because? Now, he isn't off the hook either. He "tells" you he enjoys sex. Can't you just tell from the expression on his face, how he moves his body (and yours?) As far as telling you about not coming for other women, that might be his way of saying, "its me, not you." ( but it IS him!) So lots going on here. But you need to find out what's going on in his head. Don't let your friends sow seeds of doubt. If they keep doing it, they are not your friends. Don't keep pressuring him to explain things. He may honestly not be able to. If he had a dominant mother and a passive father, he may be as straight as a flagpole, but may have issues he's not even aware of. Find out what's going on in his head by making him feel he can trust you. If he is gay, he needs to trust you that you will not ridicule him. If hes not, but keeps runing out of gas so to speak, you need to walk up to him when he's not expecting it, grab him, kiss him hard and tell him you're taking him to the doctor because you love him and you're not going to take no for an answer. Despite what your friends believe, there's no TV show called "Gay or Not Gay?" And even if there was, they don't get to vote! Hope both of you find the love and happiness you want!
     
  5. Chicagoblue

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 30, 2015
    Messages:
    376
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    chicago
    A lot of people have part-time hobbies judging who is gay and who is not. Even before I realized I was gay, I thought it was a waste of mental energy and pretty much rude/arrogant.
     
  6. Tightrope

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2013
    Messages:
    5,415
    Likes Received:
    387
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    It's very hard to tell. I almost think he is somewhere in the gray area. Toward which end he leans more is what is the mystery.

    Not everyone starts dating the opposite sex during high school and even in early college. Some people mature at a slower pace. This part doesn't cause me much in the way of suspicion. I know people who didn't start dating the opposite sex until their late 20s or early 30s who then got into successful relationships.

    As far as the sex goes, realistically, it's all sex. It just involves different activities. It sounds like you might be referring to intercourse when you talk about the more "real" sex. I think a few things might be going on. He could feel intimidated by your more vast amount of experience. He could also be fearful of impregnating you. That is why people talk about "pulling out" and finishing "outside." Among men, some have performance issues because they worry about hygiene and contracting something. It sounds like he enjoys orally stimulating you. Not even all straight men will do that. Is intercourse more meaningful and pleasurable to you than receiving oral sex? Maybe intercourse represents some sort of completion or consummation to you, which is entirely valid. We all know what we value and enjoy sexually.

    There are a few questions this brings up. First, are you able to gauge how many gay or bisexual people, primarily men, are in his circle of friends? Second, when your friends make these comments, what are they based on? We have little to go on about his mannerisms and other affectations which could tell you and us a little more. As for being offended, I, for one, am not in the least bit offended. You have to do what's best for you and, at the same time, what's best for him.
     
  7. Open Arms

    Open Arms Guest

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2015
    Messages:
    493
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Honestly, I think he is straight. I'm telling you... if he enjoys oral with women and even initiates it... he is NOT gay. Maybe bi. Be up front here gay men... how many of you want to get anywhere close to performing oral sex on a woman???

    He's losing his erection because of anxiety, possibly feeling inadequate, less experienced, and/or guilty... or terrified of making a baby... in my opinion. More straight guys have this problem than you might think.
     
  8. guitar

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2015
    Messages:
    2,062
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Southern Ontario, Canada
    Good point. I couldn't bring myself to do that when I was with women. A definite strong point in favor of him being straight.

    You know what too, some guys just don't like intercourse. They like other sexual acts but aren't crazy about banging.
     
  9. Tightrope

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2013
    Messages:
    5,415
    Likes Received:
    387
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Gay men - probably none of them
    Bi men - your mileage may vary
    Straight men - not all of them, the same way some women won't perform fellatio on their partner

    ---------- Post added 16th Dec 2015 at 12:12 PM ----------

    That could be. I'd say that most do because the friction is the most intense, and not like some other sexual acts, especially ones that have to do with kink, role playing, and dominance-submissiveness.
     
  10. BlueRazzberry

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2015
    Messages:
    93
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Washington
    Out Status:
    A few people
    It could be anything. He could have a low sex drive. He could be bisexual or experimenting/open. He could actually be gay and not know it himself. I've gone through all of these things. The best thing to do is to not assume. Ask him instead. You're in a relationship, so I don't see the issue in bringing it up, especially if you want to maintain that connection.
     
  11. CameOutSwinging

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2015
    Messages:
    735
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York City
    Man, and this is where I'll never get to claim 100% on the gay side of the scale. I always enjoyed performing oral on my female partners. There was a time when I was even downright addicted to it. That said, I don't think that I would miss it 100% and I desire it not at all these days. But I enjoyed it plenty at times. Sexuality is fluid, etc. etc.
     
  12. Gay1234

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2015
    Messages:
    280
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ireland
    I probably don't need to say anymore but all the posts up there will prove to be helpful. If I think of anything else to say I will update. I wish you good luck with your boyfriend.

    Good Luck,
    Gay1234
     
  13. BaldOldGoat

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2015
    Messages:
    85
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Seattle
    Gender:
    Male
    My bet is on bisexual, from the information you've supplied.

    For what it's worth, "straight" guys don't nuzzle necks and invite a perhaps "ping-ing" (as they say) fellow back. At best, that one is a Kinsey 5.
     
  14. europeanguy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2015
    Messages:
    445
    Likes Received:
    13
    Location:
    somewhere
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Family only
    i second this, i have no intention of going anywhere near a woman for this kind of thing
     
  15. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I don't think there's a clear answer. If he is gay, he may not be ready to admit it to himself.

    As to the issue of gay men performing oral sex on a woman... there are some whose immediate response woould be "EWWWWWW!!!!" and others who totally did it even if it didn't particularly excite them, so I don't think that really tells you much one way or another.

    If I were to make a wild guess, based on his lack of arousal, inability to finish, and never initiating, I'd say those might point toward his being gay, but that's by no means conclusive.

    The catch here is, if you do try to talk to him, he's likely to vehemently deny it, as many gay men stay in relationships with women for years before they're ready to even accept themselves, let alone tell someone else (read over the "Later in Life" section for an idea of what many men go through.)

    So ultimately, you have to think about yourself, and how well the relationship fulfills or doesn't fulfill you. YOu can try talking to him about it, and you can keep thinking about it and noticing his behaviors, but ultilmately, you will need to decide, and you may need to do so without his ever acknowledging whether or not he's gay.
     
  16. CapColors

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2015
    Messages:
    898
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    NYC
    There is a lot of good advice in this column already. I particularly echo Chips. Asking him may be the only thing you can do but it may not tell you anything except where his level of denial is.

    However, if it were my boyfriend, I'd do him the courtesy of gently asking. Maybe lead up to it by telling him you support LGBT rights or whatever.
     
  17. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Messages:
    6,943
    Likes Received:
    2,359
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm not going to repeat many of the good points that have already been made in this thread, but we do need to be wary of saying that gay men are somehow incapable of having sex with a woman. I'm pretty sure there are gay men out there who can and would and do, seemingly without reluctance and especially if it means covering up their sexuality. Plenty of gay men have fathered children and that doesn't just happen by magic. Sex with a woman might not speak to a gay mans deepest desires, but we shouldn't fool ourselves into thinking that it can't happen.
     
  18. animatedPi

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2015
    Messages:
    67
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    By reading what you wrote, he is most probably Bi-Sexual, but it's not to be certain, maybe it's just an overreaction, but I highly doubt that he is completely gay.
     
  19. JT1999

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2015
    Messages:
    546
    Likes Received:
    309
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    There's nothing you've said that makes me think he likes other men. He doesn't sound like the typical 'sex is the most important thing in the world' sort of guy, so maybe its just a low sex drive. I would go for that more than him being gay or bi.
     
  20. Tightrope

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2013
    Messages:
    5,415
    Likes Received:
    387
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Sure wish the OP would come back for some additional dialogue. There's a lot of good reading material here thus far.