Hello. I am new to the site and looking for advice. I have always known that I am gay, but with having straight friends and family I have never been able to tell anyone. I am starting to wonder if certain people have an idea anyway. Recently I was out with my brother and the subject of having a family came up. Because I have never had a girlfriend or obviously not shown an interest in girls, he asked me if I was gay. Having had a few drinks, I just brushed it off and denied it, but I think he knows I'm lying anyway. What should I do? Should I ask him about that night? Leave subtle hints? I am due to have another night out this weekend with my brother and his mates. One of his mates is openly gay and I am eager to tag along to see if he has any idea and possibly talk to him about it. Is this wise though? What if he talks to other people about it?
I think talking to your brothers friend isnt a bad idea. Just make sure that you tell him to keep it a secret for now, he probably once went to the same as you do. Just dont put pressure on yourself, tell whenever you're ready, you dont have to come out. And remember, just because you're environnement is all straight, doesnt mean they will judge you
Thanks MayaBee. The only problem is I think my brothers friend is hot and I secretly fancy him. I am scared in case I come on to him after a few drinks.
Are you sure he would really object? A bit of sweetness might help you make a friend so long as you don't overdo it. Besides, the feeling could be mutual.
We dont really know each other that well anyway, only met a few times. Also, I dont think I could deal with the fallout of a public outing should anything happen. I would probably say it was just a drunken mistake rather than admit I'm gay.
Probably would be better to talk to your brother's friend when alcohol isn't as heavily involved...? I don't personally know anyone to come out in such a setting, but I can imagine from the numerous stories I've read, and what I've experienced myself in terms of coming out; alcohol likely would make things worse.
I dont think I will actually be able to say the words 'I am gay' though. I might just wait to see what happens on my night out. I know it sounds mad but I might have a few drinks first even though I know it's a bad idea?
Don't drink (too much) before coming out. It'll impair your judgment. And if you don't want to sound too awkward, say something to your brother's friend like "[insert person] looks real nice, doesn't he?" (Saying that to a straight person might make them uncomfortable, simply because they really don't have anything to say.) Or just try to insert it into conversation. Have you had any funny/interesting/relatable experiences with guys? You could always put it in that context. Coming out doesn't have to be such a formal process. And it's not always clear-cut. Just find an opportunity and seize it. Good luck
I had SO many conversations about girls that I awkwardly made my way out of - with my own brother especially. He's older and a bit old fashioned in terms of social issues. Despite this we went out together a few days ago and spent all day joking about it. It may be a HUGE issue for us to deal with, but it won't be anywhere near as big an issue for them. Some people simply won't even care about it. I practised saying the words 'I am gay' to myself privately over time to prepare myself. I think it helped.
I guess you're the adult here, you can make the drinking decision on your own. But my advice; keep it within moderation for this night? Probably best to save getting shit-faced for a night that's not as important. :lol: As for actually bringing it up, I know I wasn't fully ready to say I was gay until a month AFTER I had come out. I would beat around the bush a lot, and do my best to avoid saying the word. Even if I was basically saying the same things, like "I'm into guys" or "I like dudes" it's not as daunting as saying 'gay' in my opinion. Whatever works for you, but this isn't something you should hide. My family and I are friends with many gay people who still aren't OPENLY out, they're in their 30s-40s, and they're MISERABLE! Don't end up like them. Face the demon, and don't look back!
Thanks all for the advice! I dont know whether I should say 'he looks hot' if I see anyone I like as a subtle hint. I've always looked at other men when out with friends but no one ever noticed or didnt say anything if they did notice. I am also wondering if my brother has confided in his friend about me already.
Didn't take the plunge! The situation was not right and I had too much to drink anyway. I've been thinking a lot lately. I feel like just blurting out I'm gay, but the thoughts of what would happen if I did are stopping me!!!
Reading between the lines, I suspect your brother suspects and is cool about it. I think casually dropping it a conversation might work. Something like when he comments on a hot girl, you comment on a hot guy! Be spontaneous! By the way, everyone finds coming out scary as hell.
Not the ideal setting, but I will be at a new year's house party with my brother and his friends and was thinking should I say something that might suggest I'm gay without actually coming out? If I did though it may ruin the atmosphere.
