I am currently 30 and in the closet. I am in a situation where coming out will be impossible for the next four years. First, my family are among the most homophobic people on the planet. My story with that is here. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/148715-extreme-fundamentalist-parents.html Back in 2012 I moved back to my small, conservative hometown and underwent another around of reparative therapy which lead to the most depressing three years of my life. I have reached the point where, at least to myself, I have accepted that this isn't changing and this is who I am. Unfortunately, coming back out of the closet isn't something that I can easily do. First, I would need to move somewhere far away from my family. The thing is, even if I took a risk and did it here, the town where I live is so conservative it would make things much worse than simply staying in. This is the kind of place where if I was caught in a gay bar it would have serious social consequences, not to mention the fact I could come out to a vandalized car or end up being assaulted. Discreet hookups to relieve the tension are not something I feel good about because I have a very low sex drive and am interested in more of a long term, romantic relationship. So in order to be true to myself, I have to move. Thing is, there isn't any way I can do that until 2020 without taking a huge risk that would have a 50% chance or greater of me losing everything. By everything, I mean I would likely end up homeless and on the streets if it didn't work out. I am not sure that is a risk I am willing to take. I'm likely going to have to wait the next four years out here, whether I like it or not. All of my family, friends, and acquaintances are extremely conservative so I won't find any allies there. When I move, I will have to completely re-invent myself in a new place I know nobody. Thing is, I will be 35 when I finally move and can finally start living my own life. I feel like I will have missed most of the best times of life during my twenties and during my prime. It is really sad and depressing for me to think about. I know 2020 will be here sooner than I realize given how fast time flies, but it's still going to be a long wait. Can anybody else relate to this? Did anybody come out as old as 35 and how did it go as far as finding a relationship, settling down, etc?
That’s really tough. I read everything you wrote, and others might disagree, but based on what you’ve said there’s no way that I would stay there and keep myself in the closet. I would rather risk homelessness (I’ve had my share of unemployment) than live an existence like that. Being closeted significantly reduced my quality of life, and I will never get those years back. I came extremely close to ending my life on multiple occasions. But this is just my opinion, and I am not familiar with the particular socio-economic circumstance you find yourself in. I’m interested to hear other opinions on your situation.
I'm sorry that's the situation you're in. There's no way that can be easy to live with. We're all here for you, my friend. We all love you, and care about you. And even if it takes some time, it'll all work out. (*hug*) Stay strong. (*hug*)
It's highly unlikely your parents will ever change, as you realize. Do you have siblings? Move away as soon as you possibly can, far away. When you return to visit, you don't have to say you're gay. They really don't want to know. I'm so sorry your parents are so abusive towards you.
I have one sister but unfortunately she is just as bad. She actually burned a rainbow flag and posted it on Facebook after the SCOTUS decision. My plan is to move as soon as I can, but unless something unexpected happens, that won't be a realistic possibility until 2020. I made a series of bad decisions between 2012 and 2014 that has put me in an economic situation that has handcuffed me. Of course at the time, my goal was to complete reparative therapy, find a woman, get married, and live the quaint Republican life everyone expects of me. Nowadays I am really kicking myself.
Hey friend. I am sorry this is your situation. It sounds terrible. I trust your judgement when you say it would be better if you waited. However, if you ever find yourself suicidal, get real help immediately and leave if you can. And if you can build friendships here at other online sites with other gay men I think that will help you bear it. That all being said, 35 isn't old, especially not for a man. You can still build muscle; your *ahem* will still work well for half a decade, probably more, without any worries at all. You MIGHT have missed some "fun" years but frankly you'll be hitting the age when men are looking to settle down which sounds like what you want anyway. ---------- Post added 17th Dec 2015 at 01:25 PM ---------- This thread has lots of good discussion and support of a similar situation http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/199563-destin-lonely-old-fag.html
Your safety and security should always be your first priority. If coming out is likely to expose you to hatred and violence that you cannot escape from, you shouldn't do it. It goes against the grain for me to say that, because I know how liberating it is to come out and live an honest and authentic life, but coming out at any cost is not the way to go. If you are able to identify ways and means of moving away sooner (maybe by taking a second job or increasing your income) you should do it, because four more years is a long time in the closet. If it's not possible though try to avoid spending the time dwelling on it because you have plans to make for your future - a brighter, happier future. Think of those plans as stepping stones on the journey towards coming out. It will make a difference if you view it that way and maintain the right attitude. Definitely use the internet to make connections and find support. I don't mean hook-up sites that are geared towards sex, but places like EC where you can talk in a natural and honest way. This is especially important if you are having low days. Keep yourself fit and healthy so you have a good chance of meeting someone in the future. The worst thing to do is neglect your wellbeing. 35 isn't too old at all. We are increasingly seeing men in their middle years come out for the first time, in response to shifting attitudes and changes in the laws of various countries. You are/will not be alone on this journey. Just make sure you don't journey alone, when there are people on here who will lend and ear and offer support and respect. You've been through a lot, but you don't need to go through anymore alone.
I don't understand why you think you would be homeless if you left. You may have good reasons that are private. But Remember, I bet your family digs all this stuff about the pilgrims escaping relgious persecution. Well, that's what you're doing. Escaping persecution. Is it fair? F-no. But trust me, the next five years will be gone in what feels like five minutes. You have to figure out what is keeping you there and if its worth it. Remember, the big rewards take big risk. If you are not willing to give up certain comforts and take a risk, there will not be much of a reward. Do you think you would be homeless if you left or is something THEY convinced you would happen? I bet they've been scaring you your entire life because that's how they were raised.
You mentioned some bad financial decisions are the reason for waiting four years. While it may seem radical, have you considered bankruptcy? Are you currently employed? Do you have any marketable skills? Own a vehicle? Four years is an unimaginably long time to endure this situation. You might want to get on Google and look for GLBT organizations that are at least in a nearby city and pay them a visit. Some radical thinking is needed here and you're going to have to leave your comfort zone to escape this situation.
I have considered bankruptcy but I am not sure how that will affect my future ability to rent, find a job, etc. Plus, I have researched Chapter 7 bankruptcy and I don't think I can qualify because technically I am making ends meet. I am just not able to put any money back to save for moving. I actually have a decent paying job for my area. My best option if I was going to forego my credit would be to surrender my car to the bank and buy a beater. I bought a car that I can barely afford but prevents me from having a lot of money left over. Problem is, I am $15,000 upside down on my loan so that prevents me from selling it or trading it in for something more reasonable. My only option on my car is to surrender it to the bank and therefore have a repossession on my record. I have a good friend who owns a dealership and even he told me to surrender it to the bank because there is no other way out. Would this be worth it and would it come back to bite me once I move to a new city when it comes to things like renting, employment, etc? In terms of marketable skills, I am in IT/tech support with about 5 years of experience. Problem is, long distance job searches are next to impossible at my career level with my experience. I am fairly marketable but I need a local address because I am not marketable enough to land a job long distance. Otherwise, I will have to save money and move with no job, which is something I cannot do until 2020 once my car is paid off and once my credit cards are paid off. As far as LGBT life in my area, there are a couple of gay bars but I have been reluctant to go because I am afraid of being seen, or my car breaking down there and having to explain to somebody why I am there. I am also pretty introverted and fear going to such a place alone. I also fear going in and being so terrified that I will present myself in a manner in which people will be turned off by me. Should I bite the bullet and go alone and see what happens? I agree that stepping out of my comfort zone is definitely going to be necessary if I don't want to wait four years.
is there any way of living with a friend or relative in a different town - even on a short term or experimental basis.. sort of try to use that as a springboard for getting a new job? but keep the option of returning home if it doesn't work out financially it does seem that your home town is suffocating or studying at a college/university that is away from your parents. Something that would (a) further your career that you can't get at home and (b) that your parents may even help support financially??
It won't be good, but it beats the alternative. There aren't any great options here, this is about picking the lesser evil. Have you considered chapter 11? Is there any move you can make that would make you a better candidate for either 7 or 11? Are you saying you owe $15000 more than the thing is worth? Seriously? Do what your friend said and surrender it. Its not personal, its business, and definitely not a good reason to stay in the closet another four years. Will it help when looking to rent or get a job? No, but you still need to have your priorities straight. Probably, but you should still listen to your friend. Its all about choosing the lesser evil. I'm in the same field and could probably help you get a job in Tulsa. If you want, you can even tell people you live at my address. I also have an aunt in Kansas City I'm sure would offer something similar. If you really need a place to stay, I can talk to her about that too. I'm pretty sure she would be open to it, and you would actually be living in a rather posh part of town. My aunt was actually the first person in the family I came out to. She's very liberal, atheist, and already has an actor living with her. She doesn't even charge him rent. You really don't want to go this route. Look into chapter 11 if 7 is not an option. While I do understand some of this, I wasn't really talking about gay bars. I meant something along the lines of a local GLBT organization, like PFLAG or something similar. They exist to help people in situations like yours. Stepping outside of your comfort zone is mandatory in this situation, but I do think it will be worth it to you. I'm in the process of coming out myself, so I'm having to do the same thing man.
That's awful that even in your late 20's parents are still trying to convert you. But I have to agree with Open Arms-- they don't have to know in a case like this. Maybe everyone hates gays and lesbians where you live and you may be out of a job and a decent life in that town, but there are much more liberal cities where you would never have to worry about that.
