I need help with coming out advice. But first, lemme give some backstory. Buckle up, this is one huge piece of my life. Skip blue parts if you want to! Just extra decision-making material. The real, actual stuff I want you to know I'm Daniel, I'm fifteen and I come from quite the religious family (my uncle is in a very high position within his church) and I have trouble coming out. My mom is religious too, more so after my very religious grandmother passed away due to a blood clot passing throuh her heart six months ago. My aunt (the one not married to the uncle) is quite cool with this kind of stuff but though we were once close, she has since moved away. In fact, the move was why my grandmother died in Mossel Bay instead of Cape Town. Age 13: I first realized I was into boys when I caught and subsequently chastised myself for looking at the boys in my locker room at school. I did some internet research on it, and figured that I was just curious, aothiuh this continued. I then decided to do some further research, and that was when I first saw another real shirtless guy, and I was like "Wow, he's pretty." It was Taylor Lautner (I'm still in love with him!) and I actually got hard for a guy the first time that I remember. It was great. After that, I borrowed my mom's phone and, for the first time, watched porn. It was a video of a bunch of hot college guys jacking off and I went mad, because that was the first time I had seen another nude guy ever (except for the genitakia in the encyclopedias I've studied since I was eight) and there were 12 of them. I jacked off to this, butnas soon as I closed the page I saw that the last six pages of history were saved at the bottom of the screen so I quickly did six fast pokemon searches (my cover and the same thing I've done for a while now so I didn't thinm she'd be suspicious) Anyway, I gave it back. It was fine, I narrowly escaped capture. (For reference, my mom used the BlackBerry Unlimited Internet thing, so data was never a problem.) Skip a few weeks and I watched porn again, on the same site, on the same phone, everything. Only this time, I fell asleep with the phone still open on the video itself (three respectably good-looking guys doing stuff that went way past a circle jerk). I know, huge mistake. The next morning, I had forgotten about the phone, and I got angry at my mom and sister for some reason. I came back from feeding my new puppy and taking her outside to pee, when I heard my mom passingly calling out that she found her phone kn top of my face, and the moment she unlocked it, it opened on a porn website. I was struck dumb, but kept walking to my room as she could not see my face. Obviously she had "noticed" it was gay, or porn, because she called it just loudly enough for me to hear, not anyone else. That was the start of my war. At school, it the time, something unspeakable and not sexual had happened to me, so I was endlessly tortured with nicknames, especially by a certain, let's call him K. He was full of hatred and dating the girl I kinda secretly liked. I hated him with a passion, which doesn't say much because at the time I had really bad temper issues as well as violent thoughts, and I wasn't exactly tiny, although nor was I actually muscular. Around this time, we (my age's kids) had just heard of being gay, and word began to spread of guys looking at guys, because in my country there is apparently no such thing as a lesbian. If there is, please let me know. Now, K started to say he caught me looking at him, which wasn't true but could be because we were in the same bathrooms when changing, and because thwy needed someone to test the new rumors on. That someone became me, and that was when I started to undergo therapy for the fact that I nearly threw a kid out of the upper floor window, and because my favourite teacher (and the teacher who's favourite student was I) became worried after hearing the tide of teases turn against me once more. I had therapy for a year and a half, because of a stupid 14 yo boy teasing me. Anyway, the therapy helped nothing because I had developed a habit to mistrust head doctors. Also, every single time he asked me what was wrong, I'd say it was my parents fighting, which led to no progress because although they were occasionally fighting, it didn't bother me. So no progress on that front. I ended the year with only the aforementioned hitches. Also, I am never going to go visit my old school again, I'm way too ashamed. 14: Started new high school. I started and within a few days I clicked with Dewald (Potato Queen here) and instantly we became friends and realized how much alike our families were, even though he's so much more talented than I am. So, we got off on the right foot. Good. Throughout the year there had been one or two incidents concerning half-clothed men and my phone. Thus, doubt was stirred about my sexuality, which I had kept a close secret for two years now. However, there was a two-week period of absence from school that everyone questioned, since it is quite long for an unexplained absence. This was started by my waking up early one morning juet before I was supposed to go to hostel and experiencing something I haven't been able to explain, and which terrified me enough for my loving mother to try to get a priest. This is, however, not the place. However, during that incident, my mom took my phone and sent through it, discovering several gay porn videos that I barely ever watched, and made her ask me if I was gay, outright. I said no, because at the time I believed that I was not gay but bisexual. Not so sure about that either. That was also what made me trust my bestie enough to come out to him at the end of the year, the second anniversary of which is tomorrow. 15: Few more incidents this year, so now there are quite a few in the school who think that due to a series of unfortunate events, that both ThePotatoQueen and I are gay. Which sucks, because we have not really come out yet (well, he has, I haven't) but we can't credibly deny my being gay. Teachers seem to be fine with it and have never looked at me weird for such rumors, but it is really bothering my attempts for more friends. Some more info on this matter can be found here: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/family-friends-relationships/198411-story-betrayal-love-my-story.html Anyway, the boy above bothers my every fourth thought. And that bothers me even more. So now that you have the backstory, what do I do? My sister seems accepting but I never feel like it's the right time, and I'm scared she'll make some "I told you so" joke with me as she has some kind of legendary gaydar. She met my bestie for ten seconds last year and she asked me if he was gay before I even had any idea he was. So she must know about me. I kind of feel my mom maybe knows already, but I'm not sure and the only way to find out is no way to find out. She would be supportive of everything I do, but again, she was angry with me when I revealed my atheism in a fight with my stepdad. No-one else in my family seems right for the role. I still feel kind of guilty that in a way I was glad when my grandmother died, because I never could have dared tell her. Some teachers at school might seem appropriate but then, they aren't really family, are they?
Hello, Magenta. I'd recommend first coming out to people you know that you can trust - thereby creating a net of support. So if you've told, or are telling, a few close friends, that is a great place to start. Next you could try some teachers that you trust. However, if you aren't ready to be out at home then I would not recommend coming out publicly at school as word does tend to pass around and your parents would probably hear about it in an indirect way. That said, perhaps you should think about which of your family members would take it best (or the least worst). Chances are, people like your mom and sister have already begun to suspect. So personally I think that telling them outright would probably be best for your relationships with them. It would show them that you care and respect them enough to tell them yourself, and trust them with that part of you, rather than letting them 'catch on' through backstreet means. You could consider different ways of coming out - and with each person you could try a new way to see which works best. This could be via face-to-face, a long text, email, a letter. You name it. As a personal example, the first people I decided to come out to, as transgender, have been: -My GSA adviser at my last school, who was also my history teacher -My history class (under the same teacher) -My *eldest brother -The wonderful EC community *I chose to tell this particular person for a simple reason really. He's the most liberal and open-minded, yet still philosophically grounded person in the family. He puts love first, regardless. Unlike another brother, who kindly said he'd disown me if I was gay. Don't come out if you are not ready. Take this waiting time to learn more about yourself and ask all the questions that need be asked. If there is still denial, confusion, self loathing over sexuality, or otherwise... it may be better to wait to come out until you've sorted yourself and/or gotten the support you need, either through therapy or consulting with friends. Lastly, don't let anyone make you feel worth less than you are. You are a tremendously valuable young man - learn to love and respect yourself. Forget hateful people and work through this patiently and communicably with your loved ones. Best wishes.
I have came out to my closest friends, but the only other place I'm out is on the internet. I can't seem to find the courage. I also have this suspicion that both my sis and my mom know in a way, so maybe I should just confirm it by, perhaps, commenting on it next time I see a same-sex couple?
