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Not coming out - acceptable in a relationship with an "out" person?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by yellow2002, Dec 25, 2015.

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  1. yellow2002

    yellow2002
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    Hey all!

    I'm just dealing with a huge infatuation with a woman who may actually like me back. She's literally just...amazing.

    She's out and super proud (struggles with a really conservative family, but they're moving along).

    I personally don't feel 100% comfortable pursuing a relationship with a woman because I don't want that person to feel some type of way because i'm not "out."

    My mother is sick and her ailing health would worsen with high stress and finding out her daughter is in a relationship with a woman could tip her over the edge. i have a super conservative, religious, homophobic family. i've always been the "liberal" one. they even struggle with interracial relationships and such. their idea of delving into something new is ordering take out from a local chinese restaurant.

    i'm the first one to leave home, leave my hometown, and study something in school that wasn't "safe." i'm the only one with tattoos and piercings.

    the girl is outside of my race, faith, and grew up with a completely different background than me. i fear my family will literally explode. i'm not dependent on my family, really. i'm states away on my own, but they mean the world to me. i'm super invested in them and don't want to lose having a place to go to at Christmas... i just know they don't accept this for so many reasons.

    i guess i'm wondering if i should ever come out to my family? is it ok if i don't ever share that part of myself with them? would you be okay with being in a relationship with someone who wasn't out/planning to come out to their family any time soon?
     
    #1 yellow2002, Dec 25, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2015
  2. Distant Echo

    Distant Echo
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    Quite simply yes.
     
    #2 Distant Echo, Dec 25, 2015
  3. PlaidGlove

    PlaidGlove
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    I would say yes, but at the same time people are different in this respect so your best bet is to talk to her about it, I'm afraid.

    You could try to test the waters by asking something along the lines of "OK, so you're out. How would you feel about dating a non-out person?"
     
    #3 PlaidGlove, Dec 25, 2015
  4. OGS

    OGS
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    It's going to really depend on the person and I will illustrate that by being the odd man out. It's hard for me to imagine a situation where it wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me. I just couldn't do it...
     
    #4 OGS, Dec 25, 2015
  5. xenu

    xenu
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    It might be doable given that you live several states away from them, but I would definitely talk to her. Also, social media is something to be careful about.
     
    #5 xenu, Dec 25, 2015
  6. yellow2002

    yellow2002
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    Maybe in the beginning. I just don't want to come out because I'm having my first experience with a woman... If we decide to get married or something really serious, I would definitely want to have that conversation.

    I just don't to be on my third and worrying about coming out to my family.

    Does that seem more acceptable?

    I'm concerned since she came out and college and it was extremely painful. It's been a few years and she still feels a lot of tension going home for the holidays. She really prides herself for coming out and believes that's essential to growth, but I'm :confused:

    I don't want to stress her out by not being out... ugh :help:
     
    #6 yellow2002, Dec 26, 2015
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