I've been questioning my sexuality for 2 years now. I'm 22, and feel 15 emotionally. Ive come out to two people, but not for the right reasons; my therapist suggested i do it, and it wasn't even to my very close friends. Actually, I feel that I have no close friends. My uncertainty about my sexuality has caused me to lose all self esteem and confidence. My life has gradually become extremely dull over the past 4 years. These last two years have been mundane and unenjoyable, as if my life were completely paused. During that time, I lived at home, and still do. I have fearfully stopped reaching out to friends, and do not enjoy company. I'm very depressed, and sometimes think of death. I feel that I am alone, even around my family. Two days ago, my little brother texted my friends to come over and play video games, so I was obligated to reach out, and hang out with them. I was worried, anxious, and sad the whole time they were over my house. I couldn't communicate, and was judgmental of every word I spoke. I am rotting in my house, unable to sustain relationships, and too nervous to start any. The frustrating part of this scenario is that I am not convinced I'm gay. Up until college, I was all about girls. Guys have never turned me on sexually, although I have found them attractive in the past. The reason I started to question my sexuality seems to be a combination of a few things. First, I stopped being turned on by girls during freshman year(that is virtual girls. I had never gotten lucky, and my experiences were through porn... lots of porn). Second, i noticed i was deathly nervous around girls, so much that I feared any interaction with the opposite sex. Third, I noticed my roommate was an attractive guy, and was thrown into a pit of intense questioning because I was capable of seeing him that way. Currently, I am confused. My days feel the same and I am just watching them pass. I don't know what I want. It's killing my self-identity. I sort of want to tell my good, lifelong friend/neighbor about it, but I haven't even solved my problems on my own yet. I don't want him to think differently of me if i tell him what is going on. i don't think it would make our relationship weird, we have a long history. I'm just very hesitant to talk to anyone. A girl texted me tonight wanting to hang out, which is what spurred this post. I think she is totally cool, but Im scared because i have a feeling I'm going to be my usual nervous wreck. I'm just not sure if my avoidance, depression, and self-hating character has closed me off and made me incapable of being in a relationship, or am I not attracted to girls and guys would work better. So do i tell my friend what is going on with me? and any other advice? Thank you if you have read this post.
Even though I am only 14 years old when I come out to different people at school its like more and more of the stress goes away, now whether or not they accept you for this or not is something you cannot control. As for me I have gotten complete good feedback when I tell them. Whether or not you want to tell your neighbor or family is entirely of to you and I do not wasnt to recommend anything to you for fear it will worsen your situation. Although I see no reason why you should feel so bad about this, if people treat you differently because of this then they really arent worth your time. If you really want to go hang out with that girl tonight then go ahead, dont worry about what could happen or it will happen. But by reading this post I can guess you;re most likely Bi.
Hey! First... I can imagine how difficult and scary and challenging it must be to feel what you're feeling, between not knowing who you are, having anxiety, and having difficulty connecting with people. My first question is... has your therapist ever evaluated you for anxiety or depression? A lot of what you describe in your post are consistent with those two diagnoses... and both of those diagnoses can severely depress sexual arousal. So -- not saying you do have either of those -- but if you did, that would make it nearly impossible to accurately determine what your sexual orientation is. Also, I'm a little concerned about the quality of what you're getting from your therapist. If she hasn't at least screened you for those disorders... she's asleep at the switch, because I'm picking up warning signs from one posting, and she's seeing you consistently. And furthermore, unless she's ruled those out, she ought to know that it's near impossible to get a reliable read on sexual orientation from someone who is experiencing severe anxiety or depression, and I don't think she's doing you a service by encouraging you to come out when you're still questioning. The truth is... there's no rush or agenda or deadline by which you have to come out. Now... it is true that being closeted can make one depressed or anxious... but that's not what I hear you describing. I hear someone who's genuinely unsure, and that's very different. So perhaps the first step is to discuss this with her. If she's a good therapist, she shouldn't be upset or offended by your asking about this. (If she is... she's not a good therapist.) See what comes of that, and maybe take a breath and relax and see if you can simply be OK with taking your time and letting this emerge in its own time. As far as the girl... there's no reason you can't hang out with her... if you want to. If it would be overly stressful, then perhaps right now isn't the best time, but you could just tell her you'd like to do it another day. One last thing: Somebody might come along and try to tell you you're asexual, demisexual, or some other unrecognized label. I'd suggest ruling out that idea. Nothing you're describing fits with the widely accepted definition of asexuality, and the others are terms that nobody credible uses. Your situation is almost certainly a byproduct of the mood issues you're describing and I think it would be a huge disservice to you to buy into one of those labels rather than dealing with the actual issue that's likely causing the problem. Feel free to talk more about what you're feeling, or to PM me or any of us on the advisor team if we can be of further help. This is definitely a solvable problem, and you're already taking the steps to do so by talking about it.
