In summary, I am a twenty-some year old virgin guy who has done well enough for himself and remains closeted due to societal and familial pressures. Though my story is written with personal nuances, I know that I am not alone in what I am going through. But, it would be a relief to get it off my chest. I think it started when I was young. In elementary school, I was always friends with the girls, got picked on a lot by the guys for hanging out with them. I always felt I was different somehow, but my ability to conform and adapt got the best of me and eventually I shed off all of my friends who were girls and tried to be a more "normal" kid. Throughout middle school and high school, the attraction became clear. At first, I looked it up desperately on the internet and saw that it could be a "phase". I rest assured and never acted on any impulses. It helped that I was an overweight nerd, who was like-able enough to be friends with the "cool" kids, but not attractive enough to really inspire any of the classic high school flings. Then came college and medical school. My hard work through high school had paid off, and my work ethic from not being distracted by dating,etc probably helped me focus my energy on my academics. But despite these superficial accomplishments, I became (and may still remain) deeply depressed. I had thought the "phase" would go away, that somehow magically I would be attracted to women. I wanted to have a family and I wanted to experience life like the rest of my friends around me. As their sexual conquests added up, talking with them became either a giant lie where I would invent fictitious encounters or I would awkwardly deflect the question.It felt like I was leading a double life - a life where I had to pretend to hit on girls that I did not even feel attraction too and play this game with my friends, though I have never felt like I was ever one of them. I've tried to "turn" myself by watching heterosexual material, and at one point convinced myself that it could be done. When I would slip into the "other side", I felt ashamed at myself, further feeding into a spiral of self-deprecation, low self-esteem and worsening depression. At one point, my life and my being felt so empty - it was a feeling worse than death - I had thoughts of ending it all, ending my frustrations, ending my pain and suffering. Countless nights spent in tears, screaming silently until my face was blue and cursing my existence, culminating into one final rest of eternal peace. But the thought of hurting my family and my loved ones kept me going... One day during third year of med school, an old childhood friend reached out to me. She was a nurse now and wanted to meet for lunch. At first I was reluctant, but I still went to meet her. Her intentions were clear. She wore a low-cut shirt (I guess something I was trained to notice?), was very handsy, and "said all the right things". We actually hit it off. I was infatuated and excited. My desperate attempts at achieving a heterosexual lifestyle seemed at hand. For once in my life, I could probably say that I truly had a crush on a girl. My heart beat faster every time I thought of her and I felt high. I even started to have erotic fantasies about her, improved my diet, started working out - the whole shebang. Throughout this, I knew that I still had strong homosexual tendencies, but at least I felt that I was on the right track. I even asked one of my close friends who is a girl, to help me practice kissing since I had never done it before. I watched Youtube videos about dating and kissing - just like a teenager, though I had long since crossed that age threshold. You could say, I was in love - butterflies in your stomach, kind of love. Long story short, my mother, for some reason, did not approve of her. We argued over her, and I bowed down to her request to end things, though secretly I know it's because I was worried that I would not be able to "perform" when the time came (and I felt like that time was coming quickly). My reaction to the break-up was violently emotional - something that I had never experienced before in my life. I had gotten through life being level-headed and rational. But, I could finally feel what heartache meant, even if it was just a fling. The things was, throughout that time, we held hands, but we did not kiss, did not engage in anything else. But we were quickly getting there. I realized that the thought of her was more sexy than actually being with her. I loved the idea, but in person, I was not attracted to her. The anxiety of not being able to "perform" (gotta love these euphemisms) overwhelmed me. I think I was truly in love, but perhaps it was more to the idea of her than to who she was. Fast forward to today, I am about to embark onto medical residency, still as much a virgin as I was since I was born. Neither kissed nor had any kind of physical encounter of any sort. My parents, who had me later in life, are now pressing me to find a girl, marry her and give them grandchildren. I find myself holding a grudge against my mother for her lack of support for my love life, but secretly relieved that I had gotten out of it. I am at a dilemma. I have played charades for all of my life, and it is a game that I play well. Sometimes, I worry that if I lie too much, that it will either implode on itself or I will actually immerse myself in a complete delusion. I am angry. I am sad. I am frustrated, both emotionally and sexually. None of these describes the happy go-lucky person I tend to be when not confronted with these issues. Sometimes, I want to run away. Give up all that I have here, and escape to a place where no one can find me, where no one can ever bother me about who I actually am. But I am tied to my family and my profession, things that I will never give up. So, all in all, I continue to be closeted due to societal, familial and professional pressure. On the inside, I feel trapped. I want to try to have a heterosexual relationship, but I am paralyzed by anxiety with the knowledge that I have no true attraction to women. As I near my thirties, and my parents constantly wonder why I have not even had a date in years, I think there will come a time when I have to make a decision. I don't want to be the 60 year old virgin who lived a life of regrets (though, I have utmost sympathy, and may eventually head down that path). But I also don't want to be the guy that tears up my family, who has recently been through a lot of stress with my elderly parents. It kills me that I cannot have the life that my colleagues are having. I want a wife. I want children. I want my parents to have grandchildren. And probably most importantly, I don't want to live and die alone. If only people could see that underneath my accomplishments and my demeanor, that I am dying on the inside. That the core essence of my being is being chipped away slowly until it becomes nothing. And the sad thing is, this nothingness and meaninglessness, no matter how hard I try to cover it up with worldly possessions and accolades, are what will define my life. Apologies for the rant. :bang: It is difficult to sum up an entire lifetime's worth of stories and pain into one post. But if you have read to this point, thank you for taking the time to indulge this humble sufferer.
Welcome! You are sooooo in the right place! I think you'll find, as you spend more time here, that there are an awful lot of people around who have been where you are now. Some have stayed single and closeted. Others have carried the charade through and gotten married. I think it's safe to say that, without fail, those who have gotten married are entangled in huge messes that are very difficult to unravel, and come at a huge emotional (and often financial) toll. I don't hear anything in what you're describing that indicates you're straight, and, honestly, not much indicating you're bisexual either. My guess is you were probably more attracted to the idea of having a girlfriend and being "normal" than to the actual person. So I think continuing to pursue a heterosexual relationship would probably be a pretty big disservice to you. On another note, there's a serious concern for someone in his late 20s allowing his mother to dictate what happens with his relationships. That's a pretty clear indication of enmeshed boundaries. (You probably already know this.) I do get the issue of elderly parents, not wanting to disappoint them, and the pressure to make them happy. At the same time, it's clear you aren't happy. And I suspect that the pressures of medical school and, soon, residency, serve as an effective source of numbing (essentially, work as a drug) that keep you from really feeling the full brunt of the feelings. I can't tell you what to do. But I can tell you that... in pretty much all cases, once someone gets this monkey off their back -- by letting go of the "secret" about your sexuality -- things get better. Yes, the short-term pain of having the conversation, dealing with the disappointment, and so forth won't be pleasant. But my guess is, your parents probably already suspect (they'd have to be utterly, completely oblivious not to think about the fact that you've had no serious girlfriends...) and while they may be in denial about it, they probably already know at some level. So it may not be as bad as you think. In any case, I hope you'll stick around here. I think reading the stories of others who have been in similar circumstances will be a huge help, and as you do so, it will hopefully stir loose more feelings for you to talk about... the way out of this dilemma is, most certainly, by continuing to talk about it, think about it, and feel it.
