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A fork in the road; I will eventually have to make a decision.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Dioxide, Dec 27, 2015.

  1. Dioxide

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 26, 2015
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    Location:
    Hawaii
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I've had feelings, crushes, whatever you call them for both males and females for as along as I can remember!

    I've only dated one person of the opposite sex in my entire life and I savored every minute of it because the feelings were real. The relationship ended because she moved to another country and I'm scared I may never feel anything like that again. I've not dated a person of the same sex at all but I really want to... and it's difficult because everyone sees me as an ordinary straight guy.

    I have been trying to understand myself for a long time. What's been difficult for me is that if I accept a person, any person, as my significant other in my life, then I'm either gay or straight... no in between. But that does not mean that the feelings that I did have for the other sex were not real. It sounds weird and I'm probably not making any sense. I've deducted that it's really useless for me to come out as bisexual unless my significant other (if I ever find one or if I even attempt to make the move) happens to be a guy. It's a catch 22... in order for me to come out as bisexual, I have to pursue/date guys openly.

    I believe in soul mates and my soul mate is out there, man or woman, whom I will happily live the rest of my life with.

    I need advice because it would make my parents happy if their only son had loads of kids (I have two younger sisters) but conservative as they are they would not think twice of shunning me for life. The only reason why I joined this site is because I need all the help I can get on what to do. I have feelings for a guy I work with who I suspect may be gay or bi. Otherwise, I would have just lived my life like your average straight Joe.
     
  2. mychemromance99

    Full Member

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    432
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    Location:
    India
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Are your parents homophobic?
    If they are, coming out to them might not be pleasant.
    You want to date guys right, so try coming out to people.
    Start small, come out to a close friend, someone who isn't homophobic and who won't judge you. Slowly but steadily you would have come out to more people than you can imagine. Now guys or girls out there will know that you're bi, and you would be able to date guys. People won't approach you as ling as you're in the closet (or maybe they might) :slight_smile:
     
  3. Chloe

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 1, 2010
    Messages:
    536
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    Location:
    Eastern USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    It makes sense, although many would say the bisexual label still applies even if you have one partner for the rest of your life. Bi is about potential, not action.

    Many issues here -- and what applies to your exact situation depends on things I don't know about. Anyway, some of my thoughts:

    First, it's a bad idea to have kids because someone else wants you to. Your parents will have to deal with you not having them. However, if you want kids, you can do that with a male. Many gay men want to be fathers. It's obviously more complicated to get the baby, but plenty of people do it. That doesn't mean your parents will like that arrangement, but it's not about them.

    As for the shunning, it might make sense to do what you can to keep your options open, not burn your bridges. I mean to take things slowly and not confront them. If you're dependent on them for support, a practical approach would be wise. If you want to be with men, at some point you'll probably need come out, but you don't need to make an announcement up front. I imagine you'll want to minimize the pain you cause them. Even though you're doing nothing wrong by being with a man, there will be some suffering on their part. That's part of who they are and if you love them, you have to work with that. Harming or losing family connections is not something we usually want, but sometimes there is no choice. Living a lie is worse for everyone involved.

    That doesn't mean there can't be a few smaller lies. My mother, as far as I know, doesn't know several things about me, and there's no need for her to know: that my male partner of 15 years knew I was bi when we met, that I still have sex with women once in a while (a couple of friends), that I had my tubes tied when I first started dating men (after considering myself a lesbian for a long time) and would not give her grandchildren, that a major reason I didn't want kids was because I was afraid I'd be too much like her, and that if my partner died, I'd date women again. There is currently no need for know these things about my orientation, even though I'd rather be honest. I had a better relationship with my father and he knew most of this information.

    My point is that I try to be practical and to reduce everyone's suffering as much as possible. As much as I want to come out to certain people, I weigh that against what I'd gain and what could be lost.