where to start? I have been married for 15 years and am at that awkward age where you question yourself more. I've always know that I am gay but have always had a sense of having to conform and so have always lived a str8 life. I had gay relationships when I was in my early 20s but all under the radar and never lasted, usually because I was with married str8 guys. I was married at a young age and it lasted 5 minutes but then after a few years married again. I never dabbled with my gay side during the period in between, but mainly because of my job. At the time, it would have been a game changer, completely taboo and neither friends nor work would have accepted it. I have always been attracted to men, but have rarely done anything about it, apart from a handful of occasions where I've been working away from home and been a little drunk. I convince myself that I am bi and so happy with my str8 life but it's not true, I'm just hiding reality. My wife is great and we have three beautiful children and this makes me even more wrapped in guilt. Don't get me wrong, my wife and I have drifted apart over the years and I think she's quite mean and insulting toward me at times but maybe I bring it on myself. I tend to do stuff; cleaning, cooking, childcare etc and this all gets taken for granted and she is bloody miserable most of the time. This makes me really resentful which is not fair on either of us. I can be a sulky twat at times but I am bloody sure that she creates an environment that she knows winds up my OCD nature. In terms of a physical relationship we are lucky to have sex more than twice a year. I just can't be bothered to initiate any more. This just can't go on and I know the underlying reason for my unhappiness is in knowing that I am pretending to be something that I am not. I had depression related to work a couple of years ago and had counselling but even though I couldn't discuss it, I know part of it was being in turmoil over my feelings and when I had morbid thoughts it was just because I couldn't see a way out. So what's changed? I've spent a year trying to like myself, getting fit again, losing weight, building muscle and taking up interests that is let slip. This has helped me feel that I'm worthy of more than just being a good dad. The real change though was a few weeks ago when I met the most incredible guy on an app; ok so I spend time on gay networking apps, but this was the first time that I have ever met someone as a result. He instantly connected with the same sense of humour and I had to meet him. After that first meeting I went back again and we have spent a number of great evenings together. He's so complimentary and ive never felt so good about myself. I can't believe how quickly you can connect with someone. He knows I'm married with kids and is obviously not happy with it and wishes I was single but so far he's understanding and says until he's no longer in control its ok. Of course I know this means that eventually we will get more connected than just dinner, drinks and a good night. The result being that we will both end up wanting something that means I have to make a call. Do I back off and lose what might be the most comfortable thing I've ever know or do I face up to what I know to be true. I'm not 20 any more, I'm not infatuated and being naive ( well maybe a little), I'm just experiencing something o desperately want more of. I have stayed over a few times and it feels so right although at the same time so wrong. I know I must face up to who I am. Even if it's not to be with this guy I know I must face facts as its not honest or fair but I don't know how to deal with the consequences. I'm so scared of upsetting everyone. My family, friends, children and I feel so selfish. What happens, am I to loose everything before I can rebuild? I am so scared and a simple song on the radio now reduced me to tears. Help!!!!
Ok, reading your post, it seems you have three primary issues here: 1) You are gay. You have tried to live a life denying this or mostly hiding from it, but that's gotten to be too much to maintain anymore. 2) Your relationship with your wife is no longer working. Whether that is due to your orientation and the issues related to suppressing it (see #1) or a matter of your relationship just not working over time (as happens to many) isn't clear from your post and may not be clear to you yet. Assuming it even matters. 3) You have met this guy and really clicked with him. Let's set the third issue aside as it is (IMHO) secondary to the other two. Re point 1 - I would say that it is pretty much always better to acknowledge a truth (even an uncomfortable truth) than to live a lie - even a comfortable one (and yours frankly sounds like it's starting to get less comfortable at an ongoing - or increasing? - rate). Re point 2 - From what you've written, your wife is not exactly living a life of wedded bliss either. Are you entirely sure that she wouldn't be happier if the two of you ended your marriage and went your separate ways? Just as you've found someone who you click with (and who is of compatible orientation), perhaps she could find someone she could click with and be compatible with. Even if you hadn't met this guy yet - it sounds like the pressure of trying to deny who and what you are was already starting to take its toll. Finally, there is the issue of the impact of a divorce on your family (which I'm sure is on your mind). I realize it is traditional to think that such a thing is the most ultimately catastrophic thing that can happen to a family and that experiencing it is ultimately destructive to all concerned. But, really it's not (speaking from experience here). Over the course of its history, many (most) families experience all kinds of major stresses. Loss of jobs. Deaths of loved ones (including spouses and children). Loss of homes to natural disasters or financial collapse. Etc. Yet they continue and survive and sometimes even get stronger. I would suggest that, in the grand scheme of things, two mutually unhappy people getting a divorce is probably something that can be survived, at the very least. I obviously don't know you or your wife well enough to make any firm predictions - but I can suggest that, based on what you've written, staying together doesn't seem to lead to any kind of happier future for either of you. And while a divorce may be temporarily very stressful on you, your wife, and your children - rest assured that you and your wife staying together and slowing strangling each other emotionally isn't going to do any of you any great good either (you've basically flat out said you and your wife are just going thru the motions, while your kids may not have noticed the tension between you yet, they almost certainly will eventually). My 2c worth, Todd
Hi Todd, thanks for taking the time to respond. What you say is pretty much exactly where I sit. At a crossroads. I know what I should do but am so afraid of the consequences and having to deal with the almost certain sense of loss. You are right in that the guy I met is not the main issue, all he has done is to make me realise that someone can make me feel good, alive and myself. What scares me most is losing what I have and the feeling of guilt. Why can't I just be happy, suppress my feelings and carry on. I know that's what friends and family will think. It feels as though I would have to walk off into the wilderness for a long time before anyone else could come to terms with it. Lose my friends, family and worse maybe my children. Maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion, but I can no longer keep doing nothing and I don't want to live a deceitful double life. I'm just not sure that I am strong enough to start from scratch and to handle the rejection.
Hm. It seems to me that no matter what you do, some sense of loss is inevitable. Either you remain in the closet, in what sounds like a non-functional marriage, and end up losing this guy, and any hope of feeling 'good, alive, and myself'. Or you take the steps needed to live as you truly are, which will involve a certain amount of loss and stress up front but offers the hope of feeling 'good, alive, and myself' for the rest of your life (not counting the various speedbumps that come up in life - because those happen to us all, gay or straight). One path offers loss of hope and nothing else, one risks some loss but also offers hope of a better future. I would suggest that 'just being happy while suppressing your feelings' is an oxymoron akin to 'jumbo shrimp'. And if your friends and family will truly think that (and I wouldn't be so sure that they will, or at least not all of them), then I would suggest that they aren't worthy of you. Because, stripped of all the pretty rationalizations, what they would be asking you to do is to spend the rest of your life being miserable for the sake of their emotional complacency. Which pretty much drops a nuclear bomb on any moral high ground they might imagine they are standing on in my book. Looking at your situation, I would suggest paying a visit to EC's LGBT Later in Life section. Introduce yourself and lay out your situation as you've done here. The Later in Life section has a number of regular members who have gone (or are going) through pretty much what you are now in one form or another. They can provide first hand advice and insights on this kind of situation that I cannot. In particular, I'd suggest talking to one of the EC Advisors: Greatwhale. He's gone through the process of divorce with kids and can likely speak to a lot of this kind of thing firsthand. Most likely he'll chime in if/when you post to the Later in Life section - but if not, then you should be able to either locate him directly or ask the EC staff for help on this and they can reach out to him or put you in touch with another advisor who has experience in this area. I'm certainly happy to talk as much as you'd like and advise to the best of my ability - but I've never been married to a woman, nor do I have kids - so much of what I can say is necessarily theoretical. Best, Todd
Thanks Todd, I know that everything that you are saying makes sense. It's exactly what's going though my mind. I will try as you suggest to post on the Later in Life section. If it wasn't for children and the though of losing everyone, I know what I would do tomorrow. I am so close each day to saying something but just haven't been able to bring myself to take the step. It's that one thing that once said, can never be taken back. The biggest struggle is holding back the tears each time I run through what I should be saying. Thanks for your support, I'll re post as you suggest as I think it will help to understand how someone with children has dealt with it.
