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Man with Girlfriend has Gay Epiphany and May Love Best Friend...Help?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by swofford1, Dec 28, 2015.

  1. swofford1

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    A lot going on in that title, isn't there? In the past few months I found myself facing some extreme life decisions, and the most recent just hit me like a brick wall. There are multiple parts to my predicament, and I'd appreciate advice you may have about any of it. I seriously apologize for the length; I'll try to be as brief as possible.

    I am 23 and a senior in college. I just accepted a job offer [finally] in a new city to begin this June, I have a great family, loyal friends, and a wonderful girlfriend of 2 years. A few months ago, she started asking me about our future. She is a year younger than me, and a year after I graduate she wants to find a job where I am working to be with me. And then eventually get married. I was at a place where I didn't know what I wanted. I am extremely independent. She is independent too, but not quite as much. She wants to spend every day together. I agreed to it, as the idea sounded more appealing the more we talked about it. Then I started to have my doubts. Then I realized that this isn't something I should just be 'mostly okay with'. She is so 100% committed; moving to be with me is exactly what she wants, but I don't know if I would do the same if the roles were reversed. I wish I was as certain as her, but I'm not. I feel like I'm making this commitment under the assumption that one day I'll want everything that she wants. But that seems like a bad idea; I don't know if I'll ever get there. I don't want to spend every day with her, and I'm really not convinced that there is anyone in the world that I would want to do that with. All in all, I think she loves me more than I love her, and I don't think that's a good sign. So, I'm trying to decide whether or not to break up with her. She is an awesome girlfriend, and I'm afraid that one day I'll realize she was exactly what I'm looking for and it will be too late. Meanwhile, we're spending New Years together, and then in a few weeks she's coming with me to a family wedding. Really great timing to have these doubts. Are these fears that everyone has or are these signs that I should end things?

    THEN, I had a kind of 'gay epiphany', if you will. The idea has floated around in my head for a very long time, but I usually just shooed it off. Not exactly because I was ashamed of it, but just because I felt like it would be obvious at some point and I should just wait and see. Also, I had never had sex or been in a serious relationship before my current girlfriend, so I thought that would clear a lot of things up for me. I am not religious, have gay close friends, and find nothing morally wrong with homosexuality. I think my hesitation just comes from it being such a drastic change from what I had expected from my life and the identity I've created for myself. Nevertheless, I finally decided to fully embrace the possibility of me being gay… and it just hit me all at once. I looked up pictures of nude men and for the first time, allowed myself to enjoy them, and I did. No more excuses ("I'm comparing their body to mine", "they're nice to look at; looking at an attractive person doesn't make me gay", "I just find the idea of sex arousing, so seeing naked men arouses me by making me think of heterosexual sex"). Nope, I like them because they're hot and it makes me horny to look at them. Dicks are nice; I'd be interested in touching someone else's. After acknowledging these feelings, a flood of realizations came to me, and being gay seems to explain a slew of thoughts and behaviors from my past, all the way up to me struggling with a 'lower sex drive' than my girlfriend and my inability to fully connect and commit with her. I'm still not sure if I'm bi or gay or just misinterpreting my feelings, as I have had feelings for women in my past and enjoy hetero sex. To sort all this out, I want to give it time, but I think that also means being single. I know she will be devastated and completely taken off guard by both the break-up and my sexuality. And I don't even know how and when to do it. I really don't want to make a brash decision without thoroughly thinking it through, and I also feel bad that my family (and her) have already spent a lot of money for her to come to the wedding. On the other hand, I'm going to continuously feel like a total shit head for having these thoughts while she is convinced we'll spend the rest of our lives together. I'm hoping for a reverse epiphany where I realize I was overreacting and she's perfect for me…that's doubtful, though. What do I do with my newfound confusion?

    And finally, I don't know how to tell my best friend that I'm struggling with my sexuality. I have other friends who I'll talk to about it, but I really want him to know. He is straight, and though he is not prejudiced at all, I'm so worried that it will alter our entire friendship. We are extremely close. We tell each other everything. We're probably going to live together next year. I don't want any of that to change. I'm also worried that I have feelings for him. I'm (likely)gay, he's attractive, AND he's the closest person in my life, how could I not? I feel like suddenly he would feel weird about our entire friendship and the countless gay jokes and outward signs of affection we exchange. Actually, we might act pretty strangely compared to most straight friends. We hug frequently, joke non-stop about secretly being gay together, flash each other our balls, lay on one another (jokingly at first, but then totally casually), exchange brief massages, fake hump each other, text/talk almost daily, say dirty things or send dirty texts, say 'I love you' (ironically and unironically), jokingly do couples things like hold hands or stroke legs, etc. These things became ways for us to show affection for each other as friends, and I'm starting to think that to me, these were actually ways for me to subconscious homosexuality poking out. Perhaps I get such enjoyment out of these actions because I have feelings for him. Which makes me think, what if the exact same thing is true for him? The idea that he might be struggling through sexual confusion makes me really optimistic and excited. I've begun fantasizing about coming out at the same time or experimenting with each other. I don't want to get my hopes up, though, since the chances are so unlikely. He's a "very straight" person, much more than I am. He talks about attractive women a lot and is constantly trying to hook up with them, though he usually doesn't follow through. He does have hookups occasionally, but I feel like they don't fulfill him as much as he wants them to. Sometimes it seems like he does it because he thinks that's what college guys are supposed to do. But whenever I think that, he'll go and say some really horny/douchey shit about women, so maybe he really does like being that guy. He had a girlfriend years ago, but since then has only been interested in hook ups. He's sporty, bro-y, and masculine, unlike me (I know those are just straight person stereotypes, but they're hard to ignore). Then again, he doesn't act with me like he does with his other friends. I grew up being exposed to homosexuality and blurred gender roles, whereas I feel like he was raised to be the hetero manly-man that men are 'supposed' to be, which could make it harder for him to recognize any homo feelings. Is this just wishful thinking on my part? Are our behaviors with one another common or could they signify of repressed homosexuality? How do I tell him that I'm confused, and do I even mention my possible feelings for him? Maybe I can try to converse with him to gauge how he would react to my confession before actually doing so.

    I'm am very new to this confusion, but I'm also slightly excited to embrace and tackle it. Thank you to anyone who bared with me through this rant and has advice.


    TL;DR: Girlfriend wants my commitment, I have a lot of hesitations so I might break up with her. I just had an epiphany and realized I might be homosexual. I'm not sure what to do with this information. I think I am gay for my best friend, who sometimes shows homosexual behaviors towards me, but is mostly likely straight. I don't want anything about our friendship to change. Help?
     
  2. Van

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    First of all, hi and welcome to EC! :slight_smile:


    And now back to your story.

    You've got a lot going on and advising you or telling you what to do is so not what I'm doing here, these are just some thoughts that came to mind while reading your post.
    1. You don't seem to be in love with your girlfriend.
    2. You clearly don't feel at your best in this relationship, because you can't give her what she wants.
    3. I don't think you're confused in the slightest - you're most likely not straight.
    4. You've positively fallen for your best friend.

    I will try to imagine that I was in your situation and tell you what I think I would've done had I been dealing with those feelings and thoughts.

    I'd try to have an honest conversation with myself. I'd ask myself if I was in love with my girlfriend (you care about her and you probably really love her, but are you IN LOVE with her?). I'd try to look at this relationship in perspective - is this marriage really what I want... do I want to start a family with her, live together, have kids with... Think 5 years from now...

    I think what you can do is really ask yourrself all the questions that are bothering you. And try to be as honest with yourself as possible.

    At some point you'd have to talk with your girlfriend, because she needs to know all this, too. If you can't commit to this relationship, she has to know, so she could start looking elsewhere. I'd talk to my friend, as well. I might not go into the "I'm in love with you" stuff just yet, but rather open up and tell him how you feel, what your thoughts are...

    I don't know, it's very tricky, but you need to do some thinking and come up with solution, because these thoughts will haunt you until you decide for yourself what's best for you, what will make you happy.
     
    #2 Van, Dec 29, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2015
  3. xenu

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    I have had straight guy friends that weren't afraid to say 'I love you' and show affection, but not to the degree that you're describing. Sorry, time limitations on response.
     
  4. CameOutSwinging

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    In terms of your best friend, I think the reason you're feeling like you're in love with him (and maybe you even are) is because you long to have a close, intimate relationship with a man and the relationship you two share is pretty close to that. You do a lot of things that are intimate, both physically and emotionally. Basically if you were having sex, you'd be full on dating. But that's a big difference between friendships and relationships. I think it's healthy to have close friendships like that, and if you had a boyfriend right now, you might not feel the same way about your best friend. You might accept more that it's just a close friendship and that he's straight (as far as we know). I don't necessarily know that his behavior is homosexual in nature. It is just a level of intimacy that he feels comfortable having with you. It could be totally platonic. I have a best friend that is 18 as well (and actually is gay, and we've had sex) who acts that way with me sometimes, but he's told me in no uncertain terms that while he loves me, it is not romantic. Sometimes actions don't tell the whole story.

    That said, if you do want to dip your toe into the seeing if he's interested pool (because, let's face it, you never know), I'd start by telling him that you think you're gay. You guys are close enough where he should be a person you trust with this information, and if he does have the same curiosity with himself, he might just open up to you as well. Don't go confessing your undying love for him, as that tends to freak people out. Yes, it could turn out that you telling him you're gay makes him stop doing a lot of things and maybe pulling away a little, but at least it would also solve the question for you. I don't want to advise you that you have to cut him out of your life or something drastic, but I do think if he's not interested, pulling away a little might not hurt either of you.

    And then find another guy who can fill that romantic hole for you. Because right now, you're using him to fill it. And part of that reason is because your girlfriend doesn't fill it either. No fault of her own, she's just not the person you're meant to be with.
     
  5. Celatus

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    Wow this is quite the story. I think your girlfriend will probably be devastated. But that's better in the long run than hiding your innermost secrets and bottling everything up. If you lied to her over a long period of time, she could be much more affected. I think, really, you're going to have to find a way to tell her your feelings. But don't be so quick to break off your good relationship with her, you could decide that's for the best. That's not something you'll be able to get back once you break it off.
    And as for this friend of yours, I would tread carefully. First see how he feels when you tell him your feelings for men. Don't make a direct advance, that could turn out rather poorly. This is really dramatic stuff, yikes. Best of luck.
     
  6. swofford1

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    Thanks, all! Your advice was extremely helpful. I think part of my confusion is that I feel this way most in the absence of my girlfriend. When I saw her the other day after being apart for two weeks, I was smiley and excited, and since then, we've been having a great time and the sex has been very good. Still, I cannot deny the feelings that I've been having and I need to express them to her soon. These are a lot of changes to go through, and I believe it will take me some time to figure it all out, but I think I'll be happier and more comfortable with myself when it's all over! Thanks for listening; it's great to know there are total strangers out there rooting for you :icon_bigg