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Family hc Christian. 23. Unsure about sexuality.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by 25826200c914, Dec 30, 2015.

  1. 25826200c914

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2015
    Messages:
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    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    So to start, Hello. I'm Ryan.
    First time talking about this to anyone, I want to make it short & sweet, but also give the full story & as open as I can be. Any sort of feed back is so appreciated, thank you in advance <3.

    First gay Signs

    First kiss was with a bestfriend (boy 11 yrs old), playing spin the bottle & he encouraged me to kiss him once it landed on him, then on doors opened.
    First boy crush, was with a boy on my football team when I was about 8 yrs old. I thought he was beautiful & quickly became friends with him, but at such an innocent age, I thought nothing about it being gay.

    Family Background/Experience
    My family is full on Christian, most of my uncles are pastors, couple cousins aspiring pastors, own 4 church's, We all get together very often (cousins, uncles, aunts, etc..) We also have a successful business & I work with them, so they have a say in my professional life. Grandfather (87 yr old pastor) Prays at almost every family event, it's a big deal religion.

    Opposite side of the family has some hardcore Christianity influences as well, My mother not being one of them, but jokingly tell my mother one day "I'm gay" Her immediate reaction : Eyes wide open in shock, Small breath inhaled as if out of breath, due to panic with the words "You better not be."
    So I quickly took it back, & that was the end of it.


    Sexual preference/experience


    First gave a guy head when I was 20 years old, Was also a transsexual. Closest I could get to a woman, while being in denial. I immediately felt ashamed, disgusted & regretful.
    Needless to say.. I continued hooking up with trans women, and I enjoyed giving head & pleasuring another guy. I immediately felt so connected & right when our bodies were in direct contact with one another, But I always denied backdoor pleasure on myself.
    Needless to say.. this year I had my first anal experience, & instead of being ashamed.. I was filled with such a colorful & happy feeling, It made my week basically..

    But instead of embracing it, I turned it around & convinced myself because it hurt & didn't enjoy it, I must not be gay. All it took was a good ramming to see the light, I'm cured! I'm not gay!
    As you can tell, the denial was pretty strong with this one... Perhaps still is.

    But yeah.. no, I am not fooling myself. I've come to realize, I love the pleasure of a guy & giving pleasure to a guy & the comfort of another guy.

    My Questioning & Confusion

    So my attraction to a guy is rare, but it has happened.
    My attraction to a Woman is more intense, & often.. almost every other woman I'd sleep with, I love looking at their body & admiring. But sleeping with women more & more leads me to depression, lower self esteem, & sometimes guilt.. But the lust for them still exist.
    As soon as any romance starts, the Depression .. etc becomes quicker, I become distant, I can't interact & want out.
    But the thoughts of being with another guy, make me feel (true) best way I describe it.
    I feel better about myself, my Self esteem boosts immensely, I also interact with women a lot better.

    BUT, I can't find myself attracted to a lot of guys? I find myself more looking at girls. I feel maybe it's because I'm so inexperienced & hid those feelings for so long, & even when I find myself at a gay bar, Hooking up with a guy seems wrong too me, but being in a fulfilling relationship & even married to a great guy.. makes me feel so happy, way more happy than seeing myself with a female married, I already see the big "No" in my head when thinking about it.

    Like I said, any feedback is greatly appreciated.

    Sorry it's so long, best I could do to get 23 years of frustration typed out >.<

    Thank you. <3
     
  2. Steve FS

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2015
    Messages:
    64
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    Location:
    Washington State
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Is there a reason why in particular that you can't imagine yourself wanting to be with a women? Is it because you don't like them sexually?

    Or what makes being with a guy better for you?

    I'm suspecting than some internalized homophobia is going on with you, and you are trying to actively deny that you are gay. I spent a lot of time picturing the "right" situation - wife, kids, dog, white picket fence. It is a stereotypical, but happy goal, and while I do still want it sometimes, I have to realize that that kind of life isn't for me.

    I recommend that you explore the other side of you. Try talking to other guys and see how you feel.