Why is coming out so hard???

I think for many people who are LGBTQ, coming to terms with who we are is often a very scary step for most of us, especially since we live in such a heteronormative and cisnormative society that tells us that anything "other" is stigmatized. I know when I was first staring to come out to people, I felt the same way you did. However, I learned that if my true self makes people in my family and friend group uncomfortable, that's their loss and not mine, and that being my true self was more important than their feelings. Thankfully in my case, all of the important people in my life were completely accepting of me. As long as you feel you will be safe being out, it's definitely a process that I would consider choosing, because as you said, being closeted carries a tremendous weight with a person, but it's also true that there are some cases where people need to wait to get to another point in their lives before they do come out. If you just feel as if some family members may be uncomfortable with you being gay and that your personal wellbeing won't be compromised, I would say "fuck their feelings" and come out at your own pace. It's completely up to you, however.

 

So I'm in the exact same boat as you are. I am not able to tell anyone that I am gay. I so very much want too, but that would mean things would change for me in my life. People say it wont change but I am pritty sure things will. I am the type of person that wants to keep it safe until i am ready to be open. So I was taking this 2 day drive trip with one of my good friends. I knew I was going to tell her my true self. I was going to tell her early in the trip that way we could be quiet or talk all about it through out the trip. I tried to tell her once we hit the long strait freeway that went for hundreds of miles without any turns. The hardest part was that she never stopped talking and it was all about her. I did not expect this from her. I manage to get a few words in, but otherwise it was her talking all through out the trip. At a certain point, I gave up because that moment of telling someone was just not sitting with me and I no longer felt safe telling her. I was kinda pissed off that I was not able to tell her, when I clearly was ready for anything to happen once i did come out. But NO. It never Happened. SO now I am stuck again and trying to get myself together in this new year and hope to come out to one person early in the year as it's one of my new year resolutions.

 

I was in the same boat as Zg & Pistol not even 3 years ago. I can't tell you how many times I would sit there with a friend and fixated on wanting to say "I'm gay." The words would never form. As a result I sank into a deep depression (situationally, not clinically) and it suffocated many aspects of my life. It becomes almost like a mental fixation. You begin to reach a boiling point because you want to be comfortable in your own skin.

The problem is you're going through a loss process right now. The loss that others will no longer perceive you as "normal," you're now "the gay guy." I come from having dated girls, playing sports, playing in a metal band. I "act straight." I felt like a liar and it became even harder to tell others because you have to backpedal on so much of your life.

Like Bryan said, if it is safe for you to do so and you're fairly certain you won't get disowned or beat up, coming out is something I would strongly consider. Since coming out I'm a MUCH happier person. My friend's mom saw me a few weeks ago for the first time in 4-5 years and she commented "since coming out you're friendlier and less stressed. You're relaxed." I can put a picture up on a dating site and not worry about who will see me. Or be out on a date. If someone new finds out I'm gay, good. Join the club called "everyone else."

If either of you guys want to talk more, write me on my wall. Best of luck as you begin this difficult, yet potentially very rewarding journey. We're here if you need us. You don't have to go through this alone