I don't have any clear reason for writing this; just wanted some feedback I guess. Short story is that I've identified as a straight guy for most of my life; I can remember being about 5 and coming across this girl in my class who I developed this huge crush on for years. And since then I think I've developed a kind of worship for women in general. I almost can't cope with the way women are beautiful...their hair and skin and bodies can almost be too much for me to handle. So to speak. It's a bit like wanting to drive a Ferrari when you've only mastered your cheap hatchback...a feeling like I'm not good enough/not cool enough/not able to ever be on the same level. At the same time I used to fool around with a guy friend of mine...we used to play mummies and daddies but grew out of that after a few years. And I thought nothing of it till I noticed attractions to guys beginning when I was about 17. When I explored those a bit more I noticed that actually I felt more comfortable with the fantasy of a BF than a GF. That kinda freaked me out. Kinda meaning definitely....meaning very definitely. Anyway I got into my first serious relationship when I was 21 with a girl I met on the internet, and she seemed to be everything I could want. She was goodlooking, I felt pretty strongly attracted, we really clicked emotionally, but I figured in the end that I wasn't comfortable in the relationship with her; lots of things felt really great but something undefinable felt unsettled and nervous and fidgety. Same kinda thing happened when I was 26; met a girl, we really clicked, I really felt like I was attracted to her and I can remember on one occasion really finding a deep love for her going right deep down inside. But at the same something didn't feel right; I never felt content, even though she ticked almost all of the boxes for me (she was a bit overweight, which I wasn't that into). The sex was alright, but I felt like we never connected emotionally during sex....I've had lots of sex, but don't feel like I've ever made love. Having said that, and as daft as it sounds, hugging her felt like I was everything I wanted during sex so there was an emotional+physical connection there somewhere. So I'm thinking now that I must be gay. I've heard of other guys who have gone through the same sort of story and figure deep down that it probably applies to me too. But this attraction to girls hasn't gone anywhere and it's causing me to feel stressed and liable to freakout. What am I supposed to do with these attractions? I don't think that getting into a relationship with a girl is a good idea, but at the same time I feel like I need more than a casual screw every once in a while. I can feel myself wanting a girlfriend and missing all the things about being in a relationship with a girl, but I figure that's not an option anymore and so I feel like I have no outlet for those feelings which is a big problem. I went and saw a female sex worker last week and it was actually really good, it felt like it satisified a whole lot of things I've been wanting but I don't think that's much of a permanent solution. As far as guys go, I've slept with a guy once....and it was ok but nothing special...would probably get better over time. My guy attractions are there but not that strong, probably kept in check by a pretty intense fear of being gay and coming out (a result of my upbringing). I feel/think that maybe what I need is to experiment more with guys but get pretty easily freaked out at the thought because all the guys I look at on dating sites seem pretty rabid. What I'd really like is to run into someone like I used to work with. Nothing happened at the time but I can remember feeling reasonably comfortable about fooling around with him....there wasn't this huge attraction, it was just something I wanted to do with a buddy of mine. It felt very low key, where all of my feelings for women seem to be really strong and intense....but ultimately impotent if the relationships never work. It's like my heterosexuality is 80% cooked and I don't know whether to give upon it (and if so, how?) or.....<blank> What's the <blank> option? Gay man who visits hookers? Gay man who visits therapists? Gay man who visits hypnotherapists for a trundle back into childhood looking for some kind of traumatic experience? Anyway loads of stuff going on; anyone got any thoughts? If you can recommend a smiley for me to use at the end here, we might be off to a start... Wait, I think :bang: is pretty close to the way I feel...
First, welcome to EC! You are most definitely not alone. A lot of people are confused about their orientation well into their adult years. Some never figure out what label best suits them. Some don't think it matters. The best advice I can give is to try not to think about what you might be or might not be. Go with the flow, if you can. If you feel interested in someone, go with it; if you don't, don't feel like you have to do anything with anyone just because that person is male, or is female. If you can, try to not think of yourself as straight, or gay, or bi, or confused - just think of yourself as you.
Welcome to EC Matt! First of all you are not alone. I am 40 and only within the past few years I realized I was gay and it was not until almost a year ago I finally accepted it. For a long time I thought I was bi and tried to date women thinking if I found the right one I would fall in love, marry etc. But it never happened. Now I am happy and have been dating a guy for a month or so. There is no rush to decide who you are. From your posting I think you may be bi, but its is up to you to decide. Just relax and hang out here for a while. EC helped me a lot and there are tons of cool people here.
As EM68 said you are not alone. I see a lot of my own story in yours. Here is some advice based on what I learned during my coming out. First don't label your self yet. Secondly just let your self feel the feelings you have and don't judge them. It will be very confusing at first, but that is ok. By letting your self fully experience the feelings you will come to understand them. Third and this one took me a while to figure out. If you are gay, it does not mean you have to think girls are icky. If a really attractive woman walks by she will still turn my head. Just because I don't want to have sex with her does not mean I can't recognize and enjoy her beauty.
You're definitely not alone. I always tried to push away my attraction to guys because I also found women attractive. I sort of created barriers to every seriously considering being with guys--first it was, "I couldn't imagine actually having oral sex with a guy," then "well I wouldn't actually want to fuck a guy," then "I could never imagine actually kissing a guy." One by one the barriers collapsed and I ran out of them. Like you, I've found an emotional connection with women and sometimes the sex is great. At the same time, I feel like I've been keeping a much more powerful emotional and sexual possibility at bay. I finally just started letting things flow, as other folks are suggesting in their posts. When you stop trying to label and control your thoughts, it's amazing how you can get some real insight and clarity. It takes some time to switch into that gear, and it can be scary, but it is well worth it.
Welcome to EC! I notice that when you talk about women, you put some emphasis on emotional attachments. But when you talk about men, you seem to be discussing them solely in a physical way. You use terms like "experiment" and "fool around". And while there's nothing wrong with fooling around with guys, that's not all it is. Gay guys don't just like having sex with other guys. They form attachments. They fall in love. They settle down with other guys. Not all do (and, I should point out, not all want to), but it IS something that happens quite a bit. I point this out because I want you to be aware of it. If you ARE gay, it's not really something that you can "get out of your system". As others have suggested, stop trying to steer the train. The train is on its tracks, and it's gonna go whichever way it's gonna go. Let it go that way, and see where it takes you. Lex
Thanks for your advice everyone; I now there's no magic solution but your words are encouraging. It's difficult Fire; I don't feel that when I'm attracted to a woman that I can just go with it. There doesn't seem to be any point entertaining a fantasy that we might get together romantically or sexually. A romantic relationship feels like it will probably fail sooner or later, and even if I could find a casual relationship, I've very rarely met a girl who is genuinely ok with casual, and chances are it would feel hollow and unfulfilling to me too. I guess that just leaves guys, and maybe that's what the universe is trying to tell me about.
Hi Curious, thanks for your post. I think you're right and I wish it was easier to just do what you've advised. But you probably have learned that it takes alot of willpower and plain hard work. I guess what I'm thinking is that I'll live a life where I need both men and women in my life, but at the moment I'm finding it hard to make that a reality.
Hi Lex, Absolutely right. I think part of it is that women have always felt like a natural place to form emotional attachments.....I draw a blank when I try to think of having an emotional relationship with a guy. I think the thought scares me....you can have sex with a guy and not be gay, but once you fall in love with a guy...that's a pretty definite sign and I'm scared to go there because it feels like I could never go back from that realisation. It's probably scarier to look at from the outside than when it actually happens, I guess I wish I could test drive how that felt or hear how other guys describe being in love with another guy. The only people I've been in love with so far have been women and they've been very traditional romantic man-woman relationships....and that's been really appealing. It just feels very odd to take the woman from that picture and replace her with a guy. Maybe that whole romantic relationship is something I feel is only right with women? But maybe the reality of a male-male relationship works out really differently to being with a girl, and if it happened to me it wouldn't all the same things but with a different partner?
Hi EM, thanks for writing. Yeh, it's a tricky one. On the one hand I guess I have a gut feeling that I will end up gay, but at the same time there are all these heterosexual currents running through me that, when I really explore them, seem to run deep and true. Thinking about this over the last few years I've figured that what goes on subconsciously is probably far more important than what happens consciously. Conscious thought can be derailed by so many influences it's difficult to rely on, but subconscious thoughts are fairly simple, strong, and direct. And I kind of think that sexuality these days is so over exaggerated....it feels like it's in my face most of the day, and that I probably over exaggerate my feelings for women as a defense mechanism against the idea of being gay. Or maybe that's just part of the equation. I figure that women will probably be part of my life for the rest of my life...looking at how I feel around women it feels like more than a passing phase, so I guess I'm looking for ways to let than unconscious sexuality breathe rather than getting caught up in the day to day conscious chatter. It would be kind of nice to tune out all that garbage and just feel the simple version of my feelings than the complicated chattery version I get in my head, so I guess some kind of meditation training is in order.
Hi Star, What you and everyone else have been saying follows a common thread, so I'll take the hint about letting myself experience things more fully I guess the point I'm at right now is one where it's more than a head turn. I think it's a genuine desire to have women in my life, but I feel like without being able to be in relationships with women, how am I gonna create that life for myself? What are the outlets for these feelings?
You seem willing to explore, so let me ask you a few questions. I'll have a follow up question. Put sexuality aside for a moment. I'm just looking for the relation in these questions, not the gender. 1. What are you looking for now? Some one to have fun with Someone to come home to. Some where in between? 2. In ten years do you think you want to Still be single and dating Living alone but in an exclusive relationship Living with someone? 3. Now picture yourself driving to a family event, it is a long drive say about 5 hours. Who is in the car with you: Just yourself The person you are dating A person you have long term relationship with.
Ok now on to the gender. These questions kind of dig deep, so you don't have to post you answer if you don't want to. Here are no right or wrong answers so please be honest with yourself. The goal here is to probe your feelings and figure out what you truly want. 1. When you picture these relationships, generally what are the gender of these people? 2. Are there ever times where that person is of a different gender than you usually picture? 3. When you think that what are your thoughts? 4. Does it seems like something that would would like? 5. Do you think it is something you would want to pursue? 6. What would stop you from pursuing a same sex relationship? 7. What would make you want to pursue a same sex relationship? 8. What would stop you from pursing a different sex relationship? 9. What would make you want to pursue a different sex relationship?
