Ok, I've never been the best at putting my feelings and such into words, but I will try my best. For the longest time, I was honestly confused. I would date girls and even got married once. The Marriage didn't last long through no fault of my own. But I always found that certain guys would turn me on as well. Mostly it was actors, but occasionally I would see a guy out in public and think 'wow he's cute'. But there is also this: I always felt this nagging feeling I was someone I shouldn't be. A little later on one of my friends I confided in said that maybe a was a woman trapped in a man's body. His claim is he watched me a lot (I don't know if it was because he was gay or anything we haven't talked in a long time) but he noticed small details of things I did. Said I was feminine in a lot of my actions. It kind of scared me at first, then I kind of noticed it myself. Ultimately, in the end. I feel far more comfortable when I dress and act like a woman. Blouses, tight pants (I feel so sexy in them), I wear wigs as well. I have a small wardrobe full of clothes I like to wear around the house. High heals included. Recently, I met this wonderful guy, he has been very patient with me and everything. But we've talked about this. He is gay, and me? I wish and want to be a woman. It just FEELS right. Now there has been other things that has happened in my life, some or all may have been catalysts for me actually coming out with a good friend of mine who I am living with. I lost my mom to ALS a year ago this past October, my dad has Alzheimers as well. So in a sense I have lost both my parents. After some time to talk and think about things, my 2 friends and I came to the conclusion that I didn't want my parents disappointed in me. My mom was the most loving person you could know, but, she and dad where both Catholic, and the day I gave up my religion, will I won't ever forget the look of disappointment on my mom's face. I never wanted to see that again. So I did what I could to make her happy. Even at the cost of my happiness. Now that time is over and I feel free! Telling my roommate/ best friend, and telling my new friend it feels so liberating! The thing is, I'm not happy in my body. I really wish to be female. My gay friend who has taken a liking to me, will he has gotten feeling for me to the point that he says he loves me and doesn't care if I am a guy or girl, that we will get through it, together. The issue is we don't know where to go now. We don't have a lot of money for any hormone treatments or anything. And as for another coming out thing. I have a job, what do I say to my boss once all this starts? When do I say it? I know it will get to the point that I will be forced to tell my boss, but should I mention it as soon as I start my treatments so she has time to do business related stuff. I DO plan on having a full job done. Which means yes, I plan on being snipped and sown up. Would this change anything though? Would I still be considered Bi as I would still be interested in females and males. There are other questions I may have and will have I am sure, but things start getting muddy now. The only thing I DO know is I SHOULDN'T be a guy and that I am attracted to males and females. Both of those feelings are buried deep. I just find it hard to really put into words. People question me, and wonder if it's just I'm confused. Some may even question me on here as I may not have worded things right, left stuff out etc. But with as much conviction as I can muster, I repeat: I SHOULDN'T be a guy and SHOULD be a woman, and am interested in both sexes. I am sorry if this comes off as confused and jumbled and maybe rude in the end. Like I say, I'm not the best at putting feelings and emotions into words. Short of I'm happy, feel empowered, confident and relaxed dressed and acting like a woman, and sad and depressed as a guy. Maybe that's all I needed to say, who knows. But any thoughts, advice, anything really to point me in the right direction would be great and very much appreciated!
Welcome to EC. I think you will find a lot of people here who will give you good advice. I am not sure what to say about the living as a woman. Others here will help on this. But I think the fact that you have recently lost your mother and your father has alzheimers (I am sorry to hear - I had the same with my father when I was your age). It does at least mean you can begin to concentrate on your future. Without fear of disappointing your parents. Are you in a situation where you can get some counselling. It sounds like you have a lot of things to think about in moving forward?
Thank you for replying, in the time since I posted this my my friend heard back from the local LGBT group in our area. He forwarded me the email he sent and the reply. I guess there is a counselor whom I can speak with. So we are gonna find out when I am off next week and setup an appointment with her. It's actually really got me excited! You or others may know the feeling of waking up Christmas morning when you were a child? That's how I feel. Weights have already been lifted by my initial post and the fact that I actually have 2 friends who are trying to help however they can. I don't know if I mentioned before, I don't think so. Anyhow, my room mate is bi and while he doesn't have the need to become a woman, he has said that whatever will make you happy and feel comfortable I really don't care. We'll always be friends regardless of if your male or female. As for my parents, yes it really sucks. I'm adopted and as far as what I was told don't need to worry about any of that stuff. (sighs of relief). My parents loved me, and while I really would like to believe that nothing would have changed between us, I also feel that after enough convincing it may have, especially since they held onto their catholic beliefs. Which is fine, believe what you want it's not my place to say or do otherwise. But it does close the doors some. For so long I have had to hide my clothes, and even attempt to make any effeminate gestures to appear as me being clumsy or just being a goofball. Ultimately, I'm just glad to have friends that I have. I will be slowly coming out of the closet with some of my older friends except for maybe one, whom we where best friends in highschool. Always hanging out, staying the night at each other's house, so much so my dad had pulled me aside and said and I remember it: "Son, your gonna need to lay off staying at each other's houses for a little while, otherwise people will think you guys are queer." That kind of hurt my feelings in more ways than one. My friend and I said that it was fine, we knew where we stood. I know I did, he was just a friend and a good one at that time. Now we've reconnected after my mom's funeral and I've found out he is a children's pastor... How do I tell him about this?! I don't know this may need to become another thread to talk about if no one sees this part. Will thanks for the reply and I really am looking forwards to all that my future holds, from what I read it's not gonna be very easy to do all this, but it doesn't effect my excitement in the least. I am excited for this!
