Some context: So in regards to my sexuality, I'm only directly out to two friends in my school, and one friend who lives pretty far away. For the first friend I told her quite some time ago that I'm bisexual but like girls more, for the second two more recently I just told them that I like girls. It went pretty well with the three of them. This year particularly I'd like to just be out/come out to pretty much everyone- especially since I'm concretely sure I like girls (and although I'm a little iffy about the guys part again, I'm okay with not having an exact label before coming out). There are a lot of reasons why I want to come out, however I still have a lot of irrational fear about all this. Anyways- the exact situation is that two of my friends (whom I'm not out to) and I got together and filmed a New Years Q&A video a week ago for fun and one of them is going to put it online. The problem is in that video they brought up dating and sex (a lot...), and they asked one or two questions like 'what celebrities would you date/sleep with' 'if you had a choice between these characters who'd you be with' etc etc, which I wasn't too happy with, but I got less happy when they said stuff like "but we're girls so we can just skip the female ones." I just didn't want to not say anything and have this video go up to thousands of people (they have a lot of people following them online), and continue pretending to deny/not say anything about a big part of my identity (at least the sexuality part). So in a sort of spontaneous decision I ended up blurting out "well- if you have to make my choose I'd choose to be with her." (I wasn't interested in any of the guys they were talking about anyways) It wasn't even subtle, it's obvious to anyone who would watch it that I just kind of admitted that I like girls. I got an incredibly shocked reaction in return which would have been funny if I didn't immediately regret saying that on camera. Afterwards, when we stopped filming, I tried to play it off as a funny joke (because they were still berating me about it and laughing), which sort of worked. Then I ended up telling them to please take it out of the video, and made up a lot of excuses why. Then I made a resolve to stop being so scared of being open about these things, that it wasn't such a big deal anyways, and told them it's fine to keep that part in. In other words, I made a huge mistake of acting really weird about it. At this point I did tell them to keep it in the video (they just think it's a joke and they want to put it in ) but I still feel incredibly queasy and scared. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be open about my sexuality this way, but I feel irrationally anxious about that video going up before I have even come out to any of my other friends. (I have two more I'd like to come out to directly, apart from that I'd just like to be indirectly out to everyone- it's one thing I'd like to accomplish this year) I'm debating about messaging the two friends I filmed the video with again and asking them just to cut those one or two questions out. I can come up with good excuses why I want them to leave it out but I really don't want to continue bothering them about it and running the risk of making this situation even worse or more suspicious. Should I just leave it? It's not like every person I know would watch it anyways, and I'm not sure what I'm so scared of. I guess though I'm a little worried about some of my friends being angry that I just subtly came out to the entire internet before coming out to them. What should I do in this scenario? I'm pretty sure that if I'm out I won't be in danger, I live in a moderately accepting environment, quite a few people in school are openly LGBT, and there is little to no chance of any of this going back to my parents. I'm moving away from here this year anyways so even if something goes disasterously wrong I have the promise of a fresh start in a few months. Still don't know why I'm so terrified though. Thanks everyone- any advice or insight would be nice (*hug*)
If it makes you so uncomfortable, then your friends should respect that and take it out of the video. I mean, you can still come out to your friends before the video is posted if you feel like you want to. Some of my friends were a little upset when I didn't tell them right away when I found out my sexuality. However, it was a passing thing, and they're all really supportive. If you don't have the time to come out to your friends to come out before the video was posted, and your other friends get upset, then just explain your situation. Tell them that you didn't want to remain silent and ended up blurting out the truth. You can also say that you were planning on telling them but was waiting until you were 100% sure you liked girls. You weren't trying to intentionally upset them or anything like that. If you really don't want those questions in the video, then don't be afraid to ask your friends to take it out. Just go with what your gut says and don't worry about the other people.
Do whatever makes you feel the least uncomfortable (since it sounds like none of the options are ideal)!! It's hard to explain why somethings make us feel so scared or uncomfortable, while other objectively scarier things are a breeze! Sometimes we need a push to do things, if you feel comfortable enough, you could use this video as that push to come out to the other friends you mentioned. Either by just coming out to them, maybe telling them about the video before hand and saying 'there'll be a video I want to you watch, there's something I've been wanting to tell you' (or whatever), or by showing them the video after it comes out. But, again, don't do anything you feel too uncomfortable with! (I do add the 'too' because it can be good to step outside our comfort zone from time to time, especially in what sounds to be a safe space.) Either/any way, good luck!
Hmm, that's a tough call. I think in your shoes, I'd send these girls a message and just honestly explain the situation. Tell them that there are people you want to talk to about it person first and ask them to please not mention it to anyone for the time being (this might not work if they're the gossipy type). It doesn't sound like they're high on the list of people you wanted to come out to first, but given that a) they probably already suspect, and b) you want to come out to everyone this year anyway, it might be worth just telling them so that you're able to talk to other friends in person rather than being outed by the video. I think this is your best bet to take back some control of the situation. You could also just ask them to take it out of the video and let them be suspicious about it, but it seems simpler to just tell them. You can also just let the video go out as is. You took a big step - you went from being closeted to not hiding it when asked directly - that's awesome! It might help you get the ball rolling with coming out, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I can understand if you're uncomfortable with it. Good luck with everything and let us know how it works out!
Thank you so much for the replies. I met up with the two of them earlier and told them to cut that part out (I thought it'd be easier to ask them in person rather than messaging in the end), and they didn’t really say much about it but agreed. I’m not 100% sure if they took me seriously but if they do end up putting the part in anyways, I’ll just accept that and use it as momentum to tell everybody I want to tell. But I think they’ll respect what I said and keep it out. Although this video thing would have been a good opportunity or push to just be out, I decided I want to do it on my own terms and talk to a few of my friends first (since these two friends are posting the video tomorrow, I have very little time to talk to anybody before it goes up). Anyways, I also decided that I wanted to tell these two friends directly too, sometime in the near future, rather than have them guess what I meant when I said that stuff in the video or brush it off as a joke (which, it was kind of my fault that I did pretend it was a joke at first). They’re both good friends to me and I think I want to be plain and honest with them when it comes to this. I suppose in a way this video situation did give me a little bit more of a push than before. I’m more comfortable doing it this way and I think it’s better for people to hear it from me in person first and on my own terms so I can explain everything, but that’s just my personal feelings towards this. Thanks so much for all the support everyone. I am aiming to be more or less out to everybody as soon as I feel fully ready and I’ve already started to build up some more courage for that. Cheers (&&&)
Glad you're feeling better about things! I can totally understand wanting to do things on your own terms as much as possible. If it gets left in the video, you can roll with it, but it makes sense that it's not your ideal way to do things. Good luck!
I'm probably going to go with whatever happens, and anyhow, try to come out on my own terms as much as I can this year. Thanks so much (*hug*)
