Well, January 10, 2016 will go down in history for me. I don't even know where to start, what to say, what to exclude. I apologize in advance if this becomes a book, but I'm just going to type everything I feel. The happiness, the awkwardness, the shock, the concern, the pessimism, the optimism. So, I left early this morning to go to a event. My family was supposed to be sleeping, so I could leave my coming out letter in the living room and leave for a few hours and give them time to process what was said in the letter. But of course, my dad was awake at 5:00AM. Because of this, I left the letter in the mailbox so he would see it when he left the house. I was gone by 5:30AM. In the letter I said they didn't have to call me. We could talk about everything in person when I got home. They sent me a text around 10:30AM saying they support me, will always love me, and are here for me, but they have some concerns and worries. The text warmed my heart and relieved the stress I was feeling about whether they read the letter yet or not. I got home around 1:00PM and they surprisingly didn't mention it for about an hour. I showered, ate some food, and then my brother left to go to the gym. So, it was me, my mom, and dad at home. We talked about every question they had. So here was what they said. Once again, they said they loved me and supported me. However, they had quite a few concerns and worries. Firstly, jobs. I am going into a career field that may be a little more difficult to be LGBT+ in because I would be working with kids and of course having to deal with parents. While it was annoying to hear, they talked to me about possibly not coming out openly until I have a job for a few years as they worry about it preventing me from getting hired. They also mentioned not saying 'boyfriend' or anything in an interview as it may stop me from getting hired. Hearing those things kind of hurt honestly. I believed being gay has been generally accepted in society, even in the world of education. But they mentioned how some parents may not like their child being taught by someone openly gay and it hurt to hear. I still don't know my feelings on this. They also mentioned health, which I knew was coming. They mentioned STD's and AIDS and the AIDS conversation somewhat bothered me because it has never been discussed before. It is not like they mentioned AIDS when they thought I was interested in girls, but it was mentioned several times in our conversation. I don't think they realize straight people are just as likely to contract AIDS, but I didn't want to start a fight in this whole process. Those were their two main concerns. They talked to me about how I planned or could meet people in the community. I lied and said I haven't thought about it much, but they mentioned how they didn't like the idea of gay bars - something else I didn't want to start a fight over. Side note: My dad didn't mean it as a joke (I think), but he said, "Is there any gay Christian sites?" and my mom and I laughed at that comment. They also talked about shock factor. Supposedly, my mom and brother were completely shocked by the letter and didn't expect it. My dad on the other hand, said he wasn't exactly shocked. He said there were no real signs, but he has always had some gut feeling - it was something he said he can't describe. He didn't think I was definitely gay, but he had feelings that I might be. Their attitude during the whole thing: They refused to say they are ashamed, but I can tell at this point they are a little. My family is quite traditional and this is not something they consider "normal" honestly. Some things were worded in ways that bothered me. I asked them whether they were ashamed and my dad mentioned the phrase, "It is what it is" which rubbed me the wrong way. My mom had a habit to say, "You were born like that" which just gives me the wrong impression ("like that") but I know she didn't say it intentionally because she rephrased it after she said it. What I am thinking: I'm very happy with how it went. I wouldn't say it was perfect, but it went much better than I expected and I know it went better than some other people experience. Even though this is going to take a lot of getting used, knowing they will remain by my side is an amazing feeling. They have no familiarity in the gay community, so I know they will need to learn a lot. I'm sure my dad will read some articles on having a gay son and stuff because that is the way he is; hopefully those resources help. Things are somewhat awkward at this point. My mom has always been my go-to and we have a very close relationship. However, since I've been home, I find her being more quiet than ever and us having very short conversations that don't flow. I think she is still in shock and processing that I'm never going to have a wife. Another thing they brought up was whether I'm sure. It was a tough question to answer because they didn't understand how I know my sexuality without ever being involved romantically with a male or a female. I didn't want to be blunt about it, but I am only sexually attracted to boys. They even asked, "You are sure you are not bi?" I don't know if that question was sincere or whether they are still hoping I may be bisexual, which I know I'm not. My brother and I haven't had a full conversation yet, but he did make one comment. He tended to make a joke that I have 1,000 girlfriends. He said to me when I got home, "I guess I can't joke around about 1,000 girlfriends anymore?" I laughed and said, "Yeah, I guess not." I don't imagine anything changing with us. Overall though, I am so happy this weight is lifted off my shoulder. 2016 just started and it already seems to be the best year of my life. I look forward to everything ahead. And lastly, thank you Empty Closets. For most of my teenage years I never imagined coming out; I thought I would be that guy to marry a wife and live in the closet the rest of my life. But here I am, 20 years old and I have told the biggest secret of my life to the people I love most. This site saved my life as I was depressed and really confused for a long time. Thank you for always being an outlet for me and I look forward to helping people like myself in the future.
The title to your post fits perfectly. Good for you. I hope it gets better for you now, and I have a suspicion that it will and you will be fine! I wish the best of luck to you....as a gay man, as a parent and as a father. I recently came out myself, in April 2015, thou later in life at 56. I'm a recent widower and had suppressed my sexuality off and on for 40 years. Once I got the courage to come out to one brother which went well, it was like an immediate relief and flood gates were opened. I was able to talk to my other sibs as well that day, and for the most part the news was received well. I called or spoke in person to each of my kids (son 37, son 33, daughter 31) soon after and their reactions were all the same: very loving and accepting. If my parents had been living, I suspect they probably would have been accepting, too.
Huge congrats! That must be a weight off your shoulders. I'm glad your parents reacted better than you expected. Try not to take their comments about work too much to heart - they're thinking about it from the mindset of their generation. It's all very new to them, and it sounds they'll become more comfortable with it once they've had some time to get used to the idea.
Congrats on telling your parents! It's not an easy thing to do. You should be very proud. Be patient with your parents. It's going to take some time for them to adjust. They may say some things that offend you when they really just don't understand and that's not their intention at all. As far as getting a job, that's a silly thing for your parents to worry about. Do they really think you're going to talk about your sexuality in an interview? Eventually I'm sure you'd like to be out and open at work. When that happens I highly doubt anyone will hold that against you. As far as them bringing up AIDS, that's pretty normal. My parents did that same. And statistically, gay sex does put you at greater risk of contracting HIV than straight sex. But still, your parents should trust that you're safe and smart. Which I'm sure they do. The "are you sure?" question is always annoying, but pretty typical. But like you said, it sounds like overall things went really well. Give your folks time to adjust. If they say something that makes you upset, let them know. They're learning.
Congratulations lovetoomuch, that's a huge milestone. Your folks sound like good people so I'll bet they come around the rest of the way. Good luck in the future.
Excellent !! Welcome to the other side of the closet door!! Go easy on your folks, they are new to this and its easy for them to put their foot in their mouths when really they only want to say supportive things.
Thanks for the responses everyone! I really appreciate the support and your kind words. I realized after rereading my post about 100 times that I may have come off as ungrateful or not very thankful. I know some individuals 'come out' and face much, much worse than what I experienced. I am beyond grateful for how supportive my parents were and I am very lucky. I also do have faith they will come around. As many of you said, they are being exposed to this community for the first time and they will hopefully learn a lot from me. I look forward to what the year and the rest of my life has to offer. It's beautiful to know they will be my side as I get to live without lying anymore. Thanks again for the kind words, you all know how to put a smile on my face!
Congrats! Yeah for some people (like me) it's indeed difficult to come out... You should be very, very proud of you!! Lots of hugs (*hug*) Book addict
Thanks Book addict, it's still hard to believe I did it! These past few days I find myself forgetting that I even came out to my family. We really haven't talked about it much since Sunday, but they have been very open and loving lately. My mom and I were home alone today and she said, "Give me a hug, I will always love you no matter what."
I often use the phrase "It is what it is." For me it means acceptance, understanding that some things can't be changed and have to be accepted as they are. Give your father some time and he'll be okay. Congrats on the successful coming out.
