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Should I have done this?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Absentminded, Feb 1, 2009.

  1. Absentminded

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    There's this girl that's been messing around with me since November. She cheated on her boyfriend with me for about 2 weeks, and then told me that she really likes me a lot, but didn't feel comfortable cheating on her bf with me (even though she's messing around with everyone she can). So, we stopped messing around, until early January. She started flirting with me really heavily, so, I got up the nerve one day and when she was, I kissed her. Since then we've been messing around, because she's broken up with the guy. She just came out to her parents, introduced me to them and everything (they, along with her younger siblings really like me, unlike her ex), and her dad even said that he wouldn't mind if I was a girl that she dated. That was all good, up until now.
    We were messing around, and it really wasn't much of anything, because she said that she'd like to take it slow because she's been hurt a bunch of times, and, I specifically told her "The last thing I want to do is hurt you, or anyone else." She really liked that, and said so. Now, on Friday, I got the nerve to finally ask if we could give things a try, and she said yes. Not even an hour later, she calls me and basically says "I don't want to date right now". Later, after bashing the crap out of a pinball machine (I was at a bowling alley), I called her back, and asked her why. I asked her "Is it because you're not used to girl/girl?" She told me it was that, and that she'd just come out to her parents just 2/3 weeks before, and didn't know if she could handle that. Then she got upset with me for being upset with her :dry:...then I told her "look, I just don't like that you lied, all you had to do was say you weren't ready right now"
    But, after that, I went back inside. She then texted me with "Would you mind if I dated someone else in the meantime"? That might not have bothered me so much if she hadn't said just last week that she "didn't want someone different," and that she only wanted me, for the first time in ages. [The quotes were from a message of just last week]
    So, yesterday, I sent her this:

    Well, I have plans next weekend, it being my birthday, so, that's out.
    I'm still a little bit mad right now. I would have been fine if you'd said 'no', and left it at that. You didn't have to, and I'm FINE with rejection, I'm fucking used to it. And then asking me if you could date someone else in the meantime? Um, okay, why do you think I got back to you the way I did?

    "Thats just it for once in my life I dont want someone diff...Kat I want you!!! just not right now ok?"
    Yeah..that sounds like a lie right now...a total fucking lie.
    That kinda hurt.

    Every time I wanna put my all into something like this, the person on the other end does a nice job of making me not want to bother. I told you that the last thing I was out to do was hurt you or anyone else. That still holds.
    But, I'm not going to bother anymore.

    D'you guys think I was in the wrong of sending it? My friends and I don't, considering how she played me.
    And anyone who read this, and to those who reply, thanks!
     
  2. Louise

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    I think that this girl is amazingly unstable at the moment and the best thing that you can do is get as far away from her as possible, she is just going to screw with your mind and your heart. You were absolutly right to tell her where to get off.
     
  3. Lychee

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    I think that it was the right thing to send, as you made your feelings clear and you stood up for yourself, instead of letting her manipulate you and exert her power over you. This girl seems like she just wants to be in control of everything, and wants to feel more powerful and stronger than everyone else. This is probably due to her own personal insecurities.

    So, by telling her that you won't stand for the way that she's been treating you was definitely the right thing to do, both for yourself, and possibly for her, in the long run.

    :slight_smile:
     
  4. Absentminded

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    Now she's begging for forgiveness. She told me she feels horrid. I'm telling her I still wanna be friends, just not to manipulate me.
     
  5. Maddy

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    You could be describing my relationship with my ex perfectly. She specialised in sudden switches from "I love you" to "I don't want to be with you, why can't you accept it", while sleeping with half the population and claiming to be madly in love with a girl on the other side of the world. I'd say to try and move on ASAP - I know it's not easy, but she is just going to keep messing with you until she gets bored and finds someone else to string along.
     
  6. Absentminded

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    well, it's not exactly that extreme. She understands now, after quite a few lectures, from both my friends and myself, that she hurt me a lot. And that I'm really pissed off at her. She seemed to take what I told her to heart too, which is a good thing. If anyone wants to know the details, they can PM me.
     
  7. Absentminded

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    We're sorting things out. She understands that I was really hurt, and she told me she didn't mean to do it, she was just really confused. And to that, I told her she needed to get her fucking priorities straight when it comes to dating.
    She also told me that she regrets now being with that other person, because all she does is think about me, and I told her that I feel the same way..
    We agreed that she won't be dating much of anyone anytime soon too, including me.
    PM me for more details.
     
  8. Absentminded

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    Whoops..double post.
     
  9. mattblack

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    Hi Kat,
    Maybe I'm reading the situation wrongly, and maybe the two characters I'm reading about here are actually quite different in person to the way i see you both in my head...but I'd stick by her in the meantime. If she is really unstable, or if she is just a bit freaked out, I think the best thing you can do is stick around and be solid for her. I'm not saying you should put up with being treated badly, but instead you should show her how good things can be when you treat each other well. if she is in a cycle of cheating and getting together, breaking up then making up....she might just need someone in her life who is there for the long haul.
    You're in the situation and you know her on a level that I can't, so your gut feeling will be a better guide to what to do. I guess I'd also recommend you apply a gut judgement to your own actions too...are there things you've said and done were actually the opposite of what you really thought or felt? It might be useful to let her know that you've said things when you're angry or hurt because you were angry or hurt.
     
  10. Absentminded

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    Well, I took her back this morning. She apologized about 40 times last night, and then this morning gave me a rose, and then later, asked for another chance. I told her not to play me this time. She said she wouldn't. I told her that I can basically be what she needs, and I'll do whatever it takes. We both said that we can't get each other off our minds, and I told her, I'd never lie to her, and I hope for the same. I'm going to try really hard to set her straight like she's asked me to help with. She even told me she's quitting her party scene style for me. She seems to be wanting to put in some effort. She understood my reasoning and why I was angry, and she knows I'm not mad anymore. (I've left it out that I can't hold a grudge...)
    It makes me happy that I can try to help someone for the better too! It's the first time in my life I've ever gone against what every single one of my friends is saying, and doing what I want. It's nice.
     
  11. silverhalo

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    well congratulations and I wish you both all the best, I hope it works out for you.
     
  12. Absentminded

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    welll, I thought things were going better. They were worse. I just got dumped. For being 'just another girl', and not giving her the 'spark' she was looking for.
     
  13. silverhalo

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    Aww im so sorry for you (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
     
  14. Maddy

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    (*hug*) I'm so sorry about that. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk about it - I've been there, done that, and know exactly what mistakes I made and how to avoid making them again.
     
  15. LostAddict

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    Wow... that was brutal. Sorry that such a shitty person used you, I hope things in the future work out for you. =]