So I’m not entirely sure where to put this. I’m not really looking for help since this particular issue of mine is irreparable but I’ve been sitting up all night thinking about it (it’s now 4am here) and I just needed to get it off my chest so I decided to write it down and share...... Sometimes I find myself envying and hating my “older brother” and feel he got the better end of the stick. I envy him because he was never gay. He was never teased or bullied. He never had to grow up depressed or alone. He never knew what it was like living everyday with thoughts of ending his own life. He never knew what it felt like knowing that the only reason you are here in this life is because his ended far too soon. He died at birth. His umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck and he was premature so he didn’t have a fighting chance and died several minutes later. A few months passed before my parents tried again and sadly had me. That’s why I sometimes find myself hating him, for being too weak to fight for his life. If he had made it I wouldn’t be here (I can say that with confidence since my parents only wanted two kids and they had already had my older sister). And I like to think had he lived, he would’ve been okay and wouldn’t have had to go through what I have.... I know it’s stupid to blame someone I never knew or who never even got a shot at life but is it so wrong to wish things had been the other way around and it was me that suffocated at birth? Huh and here I was thinking I wasn’t going to ask for your opinion!
Your a beautiful person. You know why? Not because your a man, not because your gay, not because your this, not because your that, but simply because your a Human Being and thats good enough for me. You may feel depressed, you may feel alone, you may get bullied, but just know that the entire world is NOT like that. There are places you can go that accept you for who you all, gay and all. There are places you can go that wont even give your sexual orientation a second glance, its a non issue. There are places you can go that accept you MORE because your gay. The world is a big, big place that has a spot in it for everyone. You may feel like a Square shape trying to fit into a Circle slot on a toddlers shape game, but on that same game there is a Square slot, even if you have not yet found it. Everything happens for a reason, it truely does. Your brother may have died, but you didnt. There is no way to reverse that, no way to turn back the handles of time. The only thing you can do is not live your life in vein. You have been given the chance he never had, and im sure that if your brother could tell you anything it would be "Hold on, and keep fighting". Your situation may be grim, but you found your way to Empty Closets so there IS hope. On this site you will find hundreds of people who know what your going though and actully CARE what happens to you. Im not talking about a fake, forced type of care, this is the real deal. People will sit on the computer at night and check for your responses, waiting to see what happened to you that day. Good never comes without Bad. It is a two way street. But just like Good never comes without Bad, Bad never comes without Good. You may be going through some rough times, but i can promise you there is always light at the end of every tunnel, no matter how long or dark it may be in the moment.
were gay because we are born this way. there is nothing wrong with that we get teased because people are scared of things they dont ubderstand. not our fault. but you know what. all the bull crap we deal with in the end makes us amazing people. i got teased for years. now i refuse to say something harmful to anyone. even if they deserve it. to the people who teased me...i thank them. they made me who i am today.
Hi StrataScribe, From your post, I get the impression that you don’t feel very good about yourself and seem to think that you are only here because your brother died. Worse yet, you seem to think your parents “sadly had you”. Nothing could be further from the truth. They may have had you with or without your brother and if he had survived, he might too have been gay or severely handicapped. Geez, quit speculating on your non-existence and don’t envy a brother who died. You are the one who IS alive and it’s you that has to do the fighting now. Your parents made a conscious decision to have you. Although my parents only wanted 2 kids initially, here I am, number 3, gay, proud, and lucky to be here. You mention things you’ve experienced like “teasing, bullying, being gay, growing up depressed or alone, living everyday with thoughts of ending your life.” Wow! Those are heavy issues and you definitely need some professional help and parental support, even if you don’t think so right now. The fact that you’ve expressed your thoughts here is a damn good start. What makes you so sure that your brother wouldn’t have run into the same issues, or much worse? We just don’t know, do we? To answer your question, yes it’s wrong to wish you had died at birth instead of your brother. You have a great life ahead of you. We all have times when we think it might have been better to not have been born. Trust me, the feeling doesn’t last long when I think about all the great things I’ve been able to do and experience. I don’t want to miss music, love, sex, good food, wine, friends and relatives, EC, writing, photography, I could go on. You need someone to confide in, parents, older sister perhaps, a close friend? There are a lot of experts here at EC and we do care. You may well need some professional help so you don’t blame or hate your deceased brother. He is not the cause of your misery. The bullying and teasing cease when you become proud of who you are and become impervious to the prejudices of a few. Coming out will also help tremendously, once you are ready to do so (*hug*).
Yes, your brother never had to suffer the abuse that you did. But he also never got the chance to smile. To have fun. To enter the huge, sometimes-scary world and live a kick-ass life. My parents only wanted two kids. I was supposed to be the last. But seven years after I was born, my mother got pregnant. They discussed things, and decided that they were going to go ahead and make it three. And thus my sister was born. And my sister has taken full advantage of getting this shot at life. She's a tunneling engineer, plays on pub soccer teams (quite often as the only female), goes rock climbing, visited Europe and China, makes stained glass sculptures and jewelry, got married, and recently became a professional football player. In short, she's living. She's out there kicking ass and taking names. You don't have to follow her course. Visiting China and playing sports are great if that's what you like, but if you don't, there's no reason to do that. The real question is this - what DO you like? What DO you want? Because bemoaning your awful fate - being gay, being teased - is normal, and to be expected when you're 16. But you're 22. Your fate is no longer in the hands of others. The steering wheel is right in front of you. You can sit there in neutral and bemoan where you're starting from, or how crappy the car is. Or you can put that sucker in gear, and get going somewhere, and see where you end up. I'm kinda suggesting the latter. Lex
Celine Dion was the last child out of, uh, I think it was 13 or something... She was conceived accidentally. But she's not depressed about her existence. I mean, come on, imagine a world without Celine Dion in it!! The accidental child was the one who was blessed with an amazing voice and got famous and made a great life for herself. In other words, you should be proud of your existence, and definitely shouldn't feel guilty about your brother's death. (*hug*)
I don't know if this will soud harsh or not, but its something that my best friend has been telling me about my aborted child. If it was meant to be, he'd still be here. If your brother were supposed to be in this world, he would be. But instead you are. So obviously you are supposed to be here. I believe that infants and fetuses that die are reincarnated because they haven't had a chance to live. Your brother's spirit is somewhere else in this world going through all the things that humans do. You are here because you are meant to be. It wasn't time for your brother to be in this world yet. He may be out there now or just waiting for his time.
I guess I shoulda mentioned that there would’ve been no intentional or accidental third child somewhere down the road as my mom had a tubal ligation (her tubes were tied) the day I was born. And if my brother had made it, she would have had the procedure back when he was born. I realize it doesn’t help to fixate on stuff like this and it’s only on my worst of the worst days which are thinning out thankfully. Most days this is a nonissue. It’s just something that creeps out of the woodwork once in awhile and I tend to overanalyze even the smallest things (damn OCD!) and unfortunately yesterday was one of those days. Maybe it would have been a good thing to mention that being gay is not my problem. I love that I’m gay. Yea, I admit it’s taken me a lifetime to accept it but my sexuality isn’t what holds me back. It’s my insane paranoia and complete backwardness to all things human that I’ve built over the years as a result of the bullying and such (which revolved mainly around my sexuality since the obvious possibility that I was gay made most people I ran into jerks). It’s just the looks, comments and limitations it left me. And now, as crazy as it sounds, I’m terrified of interacting with people. Not because I’m gay - I know there are plenty of gay supporters - but because of the paranoia that I’ll just get hurt for the umpteenth time. It’s just something I’m learning to cope with - that not everyone is out to hurt me... Funny you should bring Celine up, heatqueen! Haha! I’m like a close relative to the Dion’s! Not sure the exact connection - second or third cousin once removed, um, or something like that! I can’t say she’s my favourite but I can’t deny how touching her “My heart will go on” is. I want to cry - a good cry - every time I hear it!
I always say: "you must live, despite of everything". life is such a great thign don't spoil it with feeling depresive or sad.
That's what I was going to say again... You are the way you are because of the way people treated you. So now you've got some re-programming to do of yourself. And that's totally doable. When I read the start of your thread, and about your brother, he could very well have endured a much more difficult life than you have. He might have survived - only barely. He might have been severely handicapped, and never have had the opportunity to run or swim or even talk. He might have been a financial burden to your parents for the rest of his life. His death, and your birth, could very well be a true blessing - exactly what was meant to be for your family. Accept what you can not change, change the things you can. Also - have an attitude of gratitude! Because while things might not be perfect, they could always be worse.
The French have this wonderful expression, C'est la vie. It translates as, such is life. There are somethings in our life that we can not control. We can't control what happened before we where here, we can't control how others act, and sometimes stuff just happens. The only thing we can control is how we react. We can choose to let it define us and hold us back or we can decide to overcome it and build the best life we can. I've been through a lot of rough stuff in my life, and I made the decision to take the later route. Yeah it has been hard, and I have been hurt, but it has been worth it. I've known people that have taken the former route and I feel sorry for them. They had the opportunity to have a great life and they decided to concede defeat and live in the gray twilight. This is your life and no one else's, it is up to you how you live it. My parting thought is this. "Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorius triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat." Theodore Roosevelt.
