The situation is this. My sister has been living with Guy for about 6 years. They had one split about 4 years ago because "he had to find himself" but are now talking about getting married. The trouble with this is that I have been told he's gay. Recently at my 3yo's birthday Sis and Guy met friends of mine Martin and Jaqui. Turns out Martin knew Guy from high school etc. After Sis and Guy leave my friend Martin asks me what I think of Guy and I tell him I think he's a flake but if my sister's happy that doesn't matter. I ask him what he thinks and he says "well you know he's gay?". I'm taken aback and Martin fills me in on a story about him where Guy's rejected lover trys to commit suicide because he had been rejected after a short relationship with Guy. Martin is also a good friend of Guy's highschool girlfriend. When the girlfriend is told of the connection of Guy being my Sister's boyfriend she says "but he's gay". This revelation went some way to explaining some behaviour/incidents I'd observed. Splitting for a few months so he could "find himself". Arriving home with story of "got drunk, fell over, slept in gutter, lost keys and wallet". Looked like he'd been beat up and I now think he might have been "gay bashed" because the incident was hushed up. There's a whole lot of other incidents that just look strange until you factor in the gay angle. They bought a house in the inner city that just happened to be next to a friend of mine and when I ran into that friend and we discovered the coincidence he told me that he thought the hot blonde (my sister) was sharing with her gay friend and he was shocked to learn that they were in a relationship. His "gaydar" is pretty good btw. My dilemma is that I'm fearful for my sister in that if they go through with the marriage thing and then he changes sides again it's going to emotionally destroy her (she was pretty screwed up after the "finding myself" episode). The other thing I'm worried about is that if he's in denial but still having gay daliances I'm concerned about her being exposed to the possibility HIV. Do I tell my sister what I know. Do I shut up and hope for the best but I'll find it hard to deal with the guilt if anything bad happens. I know I can't say anything to any of my family. I don't want to ruin my relationship with my sister. What to do
first off not all gay people have h.i.v but talk to your sister alone tell her that people that know guy say his gay and you are not saying he is but thats what you have heard and that you are just trying to help her BUT she needs to make her own dessions and that you will be there for her no matter what she desides to do and also tell her to think about this before it get to out of hand P.s I love you all (!)
Sounds like good advice Ohioboy. I think honesty is the best policy, if it is at all possible. You don't have to accuse or be judgmental - just be honest about your concerns out of love for your sister and potential brother-in-law.
I think TeeBe has the right angle for this one. If possible, go to the horse's mouth, that is, ask the guy in question. Just find some time alone, and tell him that there have been a few instances that there have been people that said that he was gay. Asking him would put you in a less confrontational spot if this blew up between him and your sister. Good luck!
I think I'll just have to try and talk to my sister and hope I can put my concerns in a way that she knows is coming from love and concern for her. I really hope she is happy however things work out for her whether he is gay or not. I couldn't talk to him as he is really intimidated by me. He rarely will look me in the eye after their temporary split he wouldn't go anywhere because he falsely thought I wanted to beat on him. He would freak if I said I wanted to talk to him. It's a dumb situation there but it has some history. Thanks for your perspective.
Can you ask your sister if they have a good sex-life? - I'm no expert, but I reckon a gay guy wouldn't be up for spontaneous sexual advances because he'd have to psych himself into getting it up.
