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I Know I Can't Be The Only One Out There

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by LostInNJ, Feb 4, 2009.

  1. LostInNJ

    LostInNJ Guest

    I hope this is a good spot to write this and I look forward to seeing some insight. I need some help understanding. The easiest way is to start from the beginning. I have known that there has been a difference with me as early back as elementary school. I kind of figured it out when my eyes were wondering in different places that most of my friends weren't. At first I figured it was just a phase or I'm only curious, it will get better. Well.... not exactly. I finished elementary school, high school, and college and it has to be one heck of a phase for it to last this long. Although I've never actually been with anyone, I feel its been blatently obvious to me as to my true nature. In a social setting, I come across as quite the ladies man and the girls are all over me and some very interested in me. I don't flaunt myself or flirt with them, there is just something about me that the girls really like for some reason. Not one person has suspected my orientation. But are any guys even looking at me? Where are they? I'm now 24 and only out to 3 people right now which I just told in the past few weeks. I told my brother who doesn't seem to understand and two friends who are accepting and haven't looked at me any different. But I'm not exactly sure how I feel about them yet. Part of the problem is I'm not even comfortable with it yet, so I don't know how to read how they are taking it. I love my friends and how close we are and the things we do. I also love my job on my 5th yr in a police dept. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. However, my ears are always open and over time my insides have been chipped away whenever a friend or coworker rags on gays. I know they don't mean it towards me, but now they are talking about me. I know people say if they won't accept me for who I am then they're not my friends. However, I'm not totally sold on that. They do love me for who i am, they just don't know something about me. Being gay doesn't define us as people, its merely an attraction difference. I often ponder what me coming out would do. Would coming out make everyone realize how close they are to a gay guy and that nothing is really wrong with them or would it go the complete other way and bastardize my life and career. I fear coming out to anyone from work would end the career dead in its tracks, sadly. Most of my friends are from there or at least associate with my other friends. So ultimately I really have nowhere to turn at the moment. I kind of feel lost. I'm tired of hiding in the closet because its so lonely in there. I long to have that guy to share my world with and have a life together with, yet I'm still too scared to tell anyone. The only reason I told the two friend that I did was because I have seen them around other gays and how accepting they were of it. My brother, eh. . . I could have waited on that one.

    Ultimately what I think I'm getting at is, I know I'm not the only one having this struggle. I give all of you who are out, all the credit in the world. Its one of the hardest things for us to do. And its truly a shame any of us even have to go through it. I think I feel lost and helpless because I can't tell many of the people I know and feel like there is nowhere to turn right now. Yet I don't want to keep it to myself much longer either. Its been hard letting it eat away at me over the years already. I can't sleep at night, I can't eat, I've lost interest in the things I used to love doing. I can't let this keep happening to myself. I know there are other people going through the same struggle or something similar. I finally built up enough to post on here to chat you all to see what others are going through or have been through and look forward to what you have to say.

    -Lost In NJ
     
    #1 LostInNJ, Feb 4, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 4, 2009
  2. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC! :wave:

    And no, you're not alone there. Even most of us who are totally out of the closet were, at one point in our lives, there. We've agonized over who to tell first, whether we can get by on aversion and "pronoun games" for another few weeks/months/years, and lay awake worrying whether we'll end up friendless, or at a suddenly very cold work environment, once people learn the truth.

    You'll be happy to know that, for most of us, it ends up being like any other waiting period. Those hours leading up to a huge test. Waiting for the results of that doctor's exam. We tend to make ourselves sick with worry, but then we get the B+, or the doctor says it's "nothing serious". We breathe a huge sigh of relief, and we can get on with our lives.

    Our sexuality tends to be a huge deal with us. But the sexualities of others, unless we're interested in hopping into bed with them, tends to be a very small deal indeed. And that's generally true of most people. They're not friends with you, or cordial with you, for the sole reason that they think you're straight. They like you because they like you. And they'll almost certainly like you after finding you that you likey the dickey. Because it's probably no big deal. There probably will be a small period of adjustment, especially when they have to go back and remember all the "faggot jokes" they told in your presence over the years. That's cool. Give them time to readjust, and then you can resume your friendship/co-workership/relationship.

    Lex
     
  3. EM68

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    First of all welcome to EC. IT can be hard to decide whether or not to come out at work. I just started a new job a few months ago and the people seem a little more conservative so I am a little afraid right now coming out there. Also there have been a few gay jokes said. I know its not aimed at me, but it does suck. I would check NJ law on whether you can be fired for your sexual orientation. I live in MA and gays are protected but I just don't feel comfortable right now hopefully some day. Is there one or two people at work that you can talk to that will not tell others? If that is the case then try talking to them. Also join a LGBT group like PFLAG its been real helpful to me and everything they say is help in confidence. Good Luck. If you need anything you can write me on my wall.
     
  4. Jim1454

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    Hi there and welcome to EC.

    As Lex said, we all have our own stories, and while they're all slightly different they are also very much the same. For me, it wasn't my co-workers that I worried about. It was my wife! But I can understand your situation as well. It's not easy at all.

    But what you are longing for is out there waiting for you. A great guy for you to get to know and feel comfortable with. You'll feel more comfortable with him than you've ever felt with anyone before.

    I'd like to think that in the police force there would be someone you could speak to about this. Some kind of 'diversity' counsellor or 'ombudsman'? I'm sure you'd like to know that you're somewhat protected at work - and in fact you might find that the police force would be very supportive - at least officially. You might very well have an uphill battle to fight to win over the hearts and minds of some of your coworkers. Some of them might never come around, and that's a potentially frightening thing to contemplate.

    But you're not alone. This IS something that is very difficult. Not because it should be or needs to be, but because society simply hasn't come around yet. I'm hoping they will. And I'm hoping that by coming out myself I'll educate others about what we're like - i.e. no different from them.

    Good luck! Feel free to PM me (as I'm a moderator here) if you want to chat one on one.

    Again - welcome to EC. This is a great place to work through some of this, and gain strength from others that have already walked the path you're facing.
     
  5. xequar

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    Consider this-You said you're on a police force, right, and have been for five years?

    Your fellow officers have literally trusted you with their lives time and time again, and you've done the same. That's what they're going to care about, not to whom you're attracted. Conversely, if they do get hung up on the fact that you're gay, you can remind them that you guys all trust each other with your lives on a daily basis and that they have far bigger concerns than to whom you're attracted.

    Good luck!
     
  6. beckyg

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    No, you are certainly not the only one out there. In fact, I have read stories before of police officers who have come out with complete support from the people they work with. People often make those gay jokes out of ignorance or just the fact that they don't really think that anybody they work with could be gay. Your coming out can be a valuable lesson that gay people live and work with us in every profession. Like somebody said before, you have had plenty of time to have established a relationship with these people. I'm guessing your coming out is going to go over really well. (*hug*)
     
  7. TheRoof

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    (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
     
  8. LostInNJ

    LostInNJ Guest

    My thoughts are all over the place, I'm trying to get this to make sense. I'll start with this, Although most people think new jersey is all industry and city, its not. I'm from a part up north where we have many farms, lakes, woods, and its more on the country side. But its not the middle of nowhere either. Its a nice happy-medium.

    With that said, I know I can't be the only gay one in northern nj. I've been looking at sites such as PFLAG to see about meetings and stuff. I know i will never have a pair of balls to go to one right now. I'm way too scared. But I noticed that there is really nothing up this way. The closest is the next county away. Which isn't bad, its only 30 min or so. But what are other people doing up my way? Where are gay people networking with each other, meeting each other, and all that stuff from up by me?

    Tonight for example, while grocery shopping. I spotted an attractive guy, which triggered my gaydar. Keeping in mind i would never go up to him, all these thoughts run through my head. If he is in fact gay, how does he deal with it? How does he meet guys? where does he go to do it? does he go to meetings, clubs, bars?

    When I'm in a crowd of people or a public place, I think to myself, i can't be the only one up in here. Where do I find them? How do i find them? What does everyone else do? I feel totally lost when I start thinking about it. :icon_sad:

    I don't even know what kind of response I'm looking for, guess I'm just venting. :confused:
     
  9. Lexington

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    They're driving to the next county, 30 minutes away. :slight_smile:

    It's easy to take for granted when you're in a bigger town, I guess. But the fact is that these gay clubs, gay support groups, and whatnot...they don't just happen. Someone has to form them, or open them. And until someone does, there simply isn't one there. This doesn't mean you have to start one, mind you, but that IS what happens.

    Lex
     
  10. kramer362

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    Man I relate completely. I'd love to at some point to be able to not consciously be thinking about the fact that I'm gay. I can't help but wondering how openly gay guys function normally and live there lives. And yeah I've done it where in a big crowd I'll even think 'well theres a few hundred people here so at least 5-10 people are probably gay' haha.

    And I hate when my gaydar is triggered and I don't have the balls to follow up. I wish it was possible to just meet someone anywhere like heterosexuals, instead of having to go to special places that cater to gay people, places I'll feel completely awkward in. Consider this an annex to your vent, LostInNJ :confused:
     
  11. LostInNJ

    LostInNJ Guest

    Yeah, unless you're in a well populated area with a lot to do, its very hard. Someone I know said he felt most comfy while away at school. He tried going to a gay bar and felt so comfy there because he said he fit in. Every type of gay person was there he said it was comfy. Well the closest gay bar to me is 45 min, and i don't have the balls to go walking in one right now. I completely agree with you, wishing we could just meet them in everyday public just like everyone else.
     
  12. EM68

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    One thing I did to start meeting other gay people is started to attend the local PFLAG group. I am lucky its the next town away from me. Also this week I joined a gay professional networking group. The next meeting is next Tuesday night. I will see what happens. There is a gay bar down the street from me. I have thought about going by myself, however I am not the type to go out to a bar or movie by myself. But I am tempted to go.
     
  13. edogs334

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    In your initial post you said you work for a police department in northern NJ. There is an organization called GOAL-NY or Gay Officers Action League of New York(http://www.goalny.org/Home.html). They have a link to Mid-Atlantic GOAL, however, the link doesn't seem to be working. Also, just for informational purposes, the Metro Police of DC (MPDC) has a Gay and Lesbian Liason Unit- their website is www.gllu.org -very interesting to read about. Hope this helps.
     
  14. edogs334

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    I did some more digging and came across the contact info for NJ GOAL:

    Gay Officers Action League
    New Jersey Division
    P.O. Box 10133
    Brunswick, NJ 08906
    1-888-GOAL-NJ2
    (201) 489-0895
    [email protected]
     
  15. The Enigma

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    What the fudge? You can be fired for being gay? That's a new one to me.
     
  16. edogs334

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  17. LostInNJ

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    Thanks. I had no idea there was even something like this out there. It might be quite a while before I am comfortable enough to go to one, but good to know its out there.

    I knew NJ has laws to protect that. Things have moved in the right direction in that regard. The only thing is, as i'm sure with any job, mine has a lot of grey areas that arent black and white. They can fire someone just cause they don't like them if you get a good enough paper trail and it would show nothing to do with the fact they hate him. So I'm very cautious with work. I've seen it happen.
     
  18. edogs334

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    I definitely hear you in terms of your fear of being fired-officially- for reasons other than your sexuality. It's very easy for management to do, especially if you have an at-will relationship with your employer. And in a public safety organization, as I'm sure you know, it's that much harder to come to work every day if you know that your coworkers don't like you (which equals no support if you find yourself in a bad situation). When I worked as an EMT, one of my coworkers coined a saying that said "God forgives; the Brotherhood doesn't." I thought it was kinda BS at the time, but there is some truth to that- you do something that pisses off certain people in your department- no one will ever forget about it. Not that someone being openly gay is anything to get pissed off about, but seriously, I could definitely see why you'd be ultra-cautious about telling people you work with. It's not your typical cubicle farm.
     
  19. LostInNJ

    LostInNJ Guest

    Yeah, definitely. I look at public safety and being gay with quite a big similarity in the aspect of understanding. If you're gay, you can talk to people and stuff, But only another gay will really know what its like and what you have been through. Same thing with public safety. I can come home to the dinner table and say I had a rough day, but they wont get it. Only someone in the field would know. Not saying office workers have it any easier, but public safety ppl are a breed of their own. Who in their right mind willingly deals with the things we do? lol.
     
  20. EM68

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    I know what you mean. In Massachusetts your are an employee at will. I worked at a company in a group with all women. None of them really liked me so they did not help me at all while training so I was let go for not meeting expectations. This was a while ago and in the long run they did me a favor.