hello, this might get a little bit long but i could really do with talking to people that understand. i turned 21 a few weeks ago and 2 days before my birthday i had a lesbian dream about a beautiful lesbian friend of mine, and i woke up in a daze and really excited, like the dream had been, ironically, a massive wake up call and i just thought FuCK!! how have i been ignoring this for so long?! the whole day after the dream i walked through town feeling like i was in a different world, i was finally allowing myself to look at girls and actually feel something, something other than jealousy, something really good. a bit of background, i've had quite a long string of short romances with guys, something always feels really off, and i always feel awful for leading them on, part me of just thought that how i was supposed to feel, that girls aren't really INTO guys as much as they're into girls and that was fine. sex is always something i dread, and kissing, i dread the moment that i know is coming, but i'm too quiet and confused to stop it from happening. so i end up in a lot of uncomfortable situations and end up having to turn to alcohol and sometimes drugs to cope with it. i thought that was normal. or i thought i was insane and just couldn't possibly feel anything for anyone. the relationships are usually over within a few months because i am exhausted from keeping up the pretence, so i end up distancing myself and being a bit cold and feeling terribly guilty for playing with their emotions. it has never been my intention. i get on with men as friends really well, but they usually end up wanting more than friendship, and i just go along with it sometimes. i don't even know.. a few days ago my friend (from the dream) came to visit me for my 21st birthday party, i've definitely always had a crush on her but never really knew it (i'm wondering whether she could maybe sense it) (i've known her for about 2 years). i guess she's my first real actual crush, which is crazy for a 21 year old, but i've never really felt this way about a person before. throughout the party we were cuddling and holding hands and after the party we all came back to my friends room and slept on the floor, me and her spooned and held each other all night and just gently caressed each other and lightly kissed each other occasionally throughout the whole day just watching movies. it is probably my favourite day so far, i felt so calm and at ease and right, it's making me cry, i'm a mess! there's also this other thing which i sort of never really allow myself to think about but has been on my mind a hell of a lot recently. when i was 12 there was a girl in my class i really liked, i thought until a few weeks ago i had just really liked her as a friend but now i realise i am an idiot!! so i always wanted to hang our with her and she described me as really clingy and annoying, which i heard from another friend, it upset me a lot and when i confronted her she just plum said she didn't want to be my friend anymore or talk to her. i couldn't cope, my mum called her mum (this sounds aLOT like mean girls) and her mum said the girl thought i was a lesbian. i was disgusted and ashamed. somehow the girl convinced lots of people in my class not to talk to me, i would cry in lessons and people would look over and laugh. i ended up dropping out of school about 3 months later because i couldn't face it, i taught myself from home for about 4 years before going to college and now uni. i missed out on a lot of childhood and maybe that incident was what made me repress my feelings, to be honest those years seem like a different life time, i think she really hurt me and i didn't understand. it's crazy because i've never pieced all that together before, it sounds so obvious when i put it all like this and think about everything i've done and been through but i suppose you can only understand the chapter when it comes to an end, when it's happening it doesn't make sense, i couldn't see the big picture and i've finally seen it and i feel fucking great. so the past 3 or so weeks have just been like i'm living in an alternate reality and i'm just at a loss, i'm confused!! i can't stop thinking about my friend from the party, so i suppose i most probably definitely certainly am gay, it's just a scary thing to admit to yourself - and i don't why!! i think another thing that's really playing with my mind is that my dad and brother are both pretty homophobic, they both have asperges syndrome which it makes it difficult for them to empathise, it terrifies me that it could change the way they think of me, or even stop talking to me. neither of them talk to each other anymore due to countless arguments which last year resulted in my parents getting divorced, my mum had been unhappy and depressed for many years/ most of my life. she's amazing and i love her with all my heart, but i guess our family dynamic has always been a bit weird, like everyone's, but maybe that's why i've been able to repress something so big, so i feel like i just let myself out of a tiny cage in my head, only to find there's another cage just outside. like russian cages. and now i guess what i'm asking is what do i do?! i feel like i need to have some actually experiences before i really come out but im terrified! it feels like the chicken and the egg, i dont know if ill be able to fully commit to being with a girl without coming out first and vice versa. i dont know, i dont even know what im asking, i think i just needed to put all these thoughts into writing before i exploded! thank you for listening x
Just wanted to share my story with you as well, as you're not the only one who has had something like this happen to you. I've always been different. I didn't always know I was gay, but I wasn't like the other guys. I hated comics and action figures and super heroes. I loved dolls and playing pretend with them. When I was 12, I first noticed that I was attracted to men. I didn't know what the attraction was (I hadn't been taught about sex or anything at that point) so I just chalked up those feelings and the sexual desire for the men as just me wanting to be like them. For the next 6 years, I would supress my attractions—subconsciously, I was aware I was gay, but consciously, I thought I was a straight teenager. I taught myself what makes a girl look good, and when I saw a girl that would fit the description that I taught myself, I'd tell myself that I liked her. It felt really awkward—I didn't feel real attraction to the girls, but I figured that it's normal to be like that, that not everyone is passionate in their love. Whenever I saw a cute guy, I felt something so powerful and arousing, but yet I never admitted it to myself. Two months ago, I was thinking about all of this. I was wondering why I, a relatively handsome 18 year old, has never been able to have a romantic relationship. And then all these memories flooded me. It was there; I couldn't deny it anymore. I told myself, I am gay. And there was a kid in my school who I really love—he was also gay. He's the first "real" love I've had, and yet I was too scared to approach him. Like you, I was filled with questions—how do I tell him I'm gay? Should I even tell him? Should I tell him I like him? I really had no clue what to do. In the end, I came out to him. For complicated reasons, he hated me and won't even talk to me anymore. But I don't want that to discourage you. Everyone is different, and from what I read, it seems your love is interested in you! I think you shouldn't be afraid, coming out is the most happy and liberating thing you can ever do. It's really amazing. And what's more amazing is that you have someone who loves you to support you! In my opinion, you really can't go wrong with it. But of course you have to feel comfortable with yourself and your identity first. It's never an instant thing. For months I would stare into mirrors for hours on end wondering who I really am. Some days I would be happy and proud of myself; some days I would be upset and confused. But ultimately, no matter what you go through, the real you will prevail—and you'll be happy with yourself.
