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Avoiding Awkward Conversation and Vulnerability

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by JBB, Jan 26, 2016.

  1. JBB

    JBB
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    A little background info about me: 31 y/o lesbian, been dating women exclusively since 23 y/o. I am totally out to my friends and have a happy & fulfilling social life. My family is a different story, however. I have brought past girlfriends around my family and I am sure that they know just who those girls were. I have never officially come out to my parents or verbalized my sexuality to them. We are not a close family in that particular way - we don't talk openly about awkward subjects (I suppose you could say). In essence of avoiding an awkward conversation and making myself feel vulnerable (when I also don't feel that they deserve me to be vulnerable with them), I have no authentic personal relationship with them. I am now 31 and have a girlfriend who I can see myself marrying. I want to authenticate and validate my relationship with her to my family, I'm just not sure how to go about it. My parents are NOT big talkers and as I said, they avoid touchy conversations in general. This may seem like a cop out, but I've been considering bringing back Facebook (which I'm friends with my mom on - it's been inactive for several years) and publicizing my relationship and orientation that way. I'm sick of things just being assumed and swept under the rug. Any other suggestions are welcome but I just don't think a conversation is going to happen. I don't feel like I owe them a letter. I feel that they are the ones who have avoided this sensitive subject with me more than anything and made me feel invalid about my relationships. What else can I do?
     
  2. Chrissouth53

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    You're 31, been dating women for 8 years, brought women with you to family affairs... you don't think they don't know you're a lesbian???

    And if they're not a family that communicates a lot about sensitive subjects, they fact they never mention it to you is probably indicative that they know.

    I have a suggestion... assume they know. You don't have to tell them. They already know. You can restart facebook if you want but again, they already know. And if/when they say "well, you never told us", just ask who they thought the women hanging around with you were.
     
  3. TheBiBoy

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    Good advice, Chris gave you. If you have been dating girls for that long then your family probably already knows unless you have been very good at hiding it from them. If want to have a foolproof way to avoid the awkward conversation just assume that they already know. Although, by saying this I am not saying it is the best thing to do for some people as coming out can relieve us of many things and if things went well, they can make anybody feel much better about themselves. So, if you feel that you are keeping such a secret away from them and it is making you feel bad, by all means you should just tell them but only if you feel ready. If you don't feel ready to answer questions, I don't think you are ready to come out.
    If you are going down this route, I think the only way you can be ready for all these questions is to spend time in your head thinking about questions they might ask and if you want questions that you think they might not ask. If you come up with questions that you assume they won't ask, it will really help you in case they do ask. But, I know, you cannot read your family's minds and know what questions they are going to ask but this is what you should do to be at least a bit prepared. Then with the questions formed you should come up with your answers and then things should be less awkward.
    Even with all the preparation in the world, coming out, at first is always an awkward process to go through. But hopefully after following my advice it should be that bit less awkward and will help you get through the conversation quicker. If you need more help please feel free to either ask here or on my profile wall messages as I would be glad to help.

    Best of Luck,
    TheBiBoy
     
  4. Cort

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    Regardless of what you decide to say or do, I think you don't want to go into it with the mindset that you need (or want) your family to validate the authenticity of the relationship you have with the person you potentially see yourself marrying. The authenticity and validity a relationship shouldn't ever been conditional on the opinion of family and friends.

    I agree that it can be nerve wracking to be vulnerable and exposed to your family, especially given that there seems to be a history of everyone just keeping to themselves. That said, there's an incredible sense of freedom and release that occurs when you choose to be vulnerable with family - when you choose to just throw all the cards out on the table.

    Being vulnerable with someone is almost like a gift of sorts - an extremely valuable gift. I can understand why you wouldn't want to give your family the gift of vulnerability since they rarely give it to you.

    That said, why not be the one break the chain? Why not be the "bigger person", so to speak? Why not do it for you (and for the health of your relationship), instead of thinking that you're doing it for them?

    Just my perspective.

    Best of luck.
     
    #4 Cort, Jan 26, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2016
  5. Bibliovian

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    We have almost opposite family lives. My family is so entrenched in my life...it's kind of difficult for me to imagine what I would do in your situation. I literally had to come out to everyone on the same day, but individually, so everyone found out directly from me, and not before anyone else...families are complicated.

    In your situation, I think a good choice may be actually just activating your facebook. I think if you are hoping for visibility and recognition of the legitimacy of your relationship, putting it out there on a visible platform will make it somewhat un-deniable. It might be a good way of having the conversation with conversing about it...

    that's what I did with everyone outside my family. Don't have to answer to anyone's opinion you don't care about. Don't have to see people's initial reactions. It's quite nice, actually.
     
    #5 Bibliovian, Jan 27, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2016