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Anxious about coming out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by queenkeke, Jan 27, 2016.

  1. queenkeke

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2016
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    Location:
    Lexington
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Here is my current situation:

    Publicly I've been straight and have always dated guys (I'm 23), but within the past few years I have started discovering my attraction to women. I am certain this is something that is a part of me, and I am totally comfortable with being bisexual. I would love to be able to come out to my family and friends, but I am absolutely terrified. Heres why...

    Firstly, I have a very awkward living/relationship situation. I currently live with a guy who I have dated on and off for two years, currently we are off. I love him very much, but my sexual attraction for him is gone. I would really prefer to have an open relationship with him, but I don't know how receptive he would be to that idea since he seems to be very territorial of me. But before I could even put that on the table I would have to come out to him, which I don't know how he would deal with that information. I have severe anxiety disorders and he has been guilty of some verbal abuse and minor manipulation (which he has admitted to... not an empty accusation) in the past, so I feel like it's easy to see why I would be scared to tell him. If I were to come out and things didn't go well... I would be totally screwed since we can't really change his living situation (I am financially independent and have good credit so I would be able to move out... be has bad credit, is not financially independent, and would not be able to move out or find a new roommate.)

    Secondly, I come from a family who has always lived in a small town in the mountains and are very religiously stubborn people. They are loving and kind to gays, but still do not approve of the lifestyle and 100% believe all gays will burn in hell. I know my family loves me unconditionally and I would never have to be scared about them abandoning me, but one of my fears is family disapproval and I don't know that I could handle their disappointment (even though it's not a "choice" I made). I was mainly raised by my Granny (who is a Virgo) and she basically brainwashed me as a child to hide any part of me that would make people not like me or to hide anything I did that wasn't "socially acceptable". I've not even felt comfortable telling my family that I am a spiritualist and not a Christian after my uncle told our family he was a Buddhist (They refused to accept it and always said it was just some phase.... he was in his 40's).

    I will say that there is ONE person who actually knows the truth, and she found out by accident. Luckily she is bi as well, but I don't feel comfortable talking to her about it because her family/lifestyle is way more relaxed than my family. I am so stressed out and depressed over everything and I just don't know what to do from here....
     
  2. ems

    ems
    Full Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    East sussex, England
    First off its great that you know and accept that u are bi. It can be really hard to accept ur self. As for your living friend, maybe test the waters first? Causally bring up Iver gay marriage or gay pride or a friend who thinks she might be bi, something like that to see how he reacts. If he reacts good thats great and means hopefully he should be accepting of you. If hes not then at least you know.

    Your family situation is a hard one and dont know what to say as my family is like it too. I hope it works out for you. We are always here if you need to talk or just rant
     
  3. frogger

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2012
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    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I agree with testing the waters. If your status is currently off then can't you already go date or see other people? Cuz if your not dating then you should be free to go date someone else and you aren't required to tell him that your bi in order to do that. But if you feel you need to then definitely start with testing the waters.

    Also you deserve to be happy and who you want to be, so even though you say you love this guy, you can't let yourself be stuck in a situation because of his financial situation. It would be rough but I'm sure he could figure it out. And your not together right now technically, he's just a friend, so your not supposed to be stuck with him. But at the same time I totally understand not wanting to leave him out on a limb because you care for him. That was a fear of mine when I broke up with my gf, because she was very dependent on me.

    Coming out to family is always scary. Even if you know they are ok with gays etc. Because they are the ones you want that approval from. My ex came from a Catholic family where her parents outright were not ok with gays on any level. Her dad would even say derogatory things when Ellen came on tv. So it was very rough and during the 4 years we were together she never came out to them (but yet I would come stay over in her basement room many nights). My family was on the other end. Not openly ok with gays, actually i was unsure what my parents thought. They are Catholic as well but very loving and accepting of me. Granted my sister's first reaction was to tell me what a sin it was etc. but she's come around now and I can tell she loves me and was even accepting my ex as part of the family. Your family loves you and although they will never understand it on the same level as you do, they sound supporting and loving and like they will accept it on some level even if it's not immediate.

    Even though this one other person may have a different family/lifestyle that doesn't mean it won't be good for you or help to talk to her. No one's life is perfect and EVERYONE struggles with coming out. Idk how close you are with this person, but I'm sure you can connect with her on some level and maybe talk about some of these things if you want.