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tired of my life and needing some help..

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by gelert, Feb 5, 2009.

  1. gelert

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    hi
    i am posting this as i dont really know what else to do..am unsure where to start really. I and have had what i think is a kind of dysthymia (mild depression) since as long as i can remember. I am now 36 years old, and have been taking anti depressants for a year, after a breakdown at work.

    I have never been confident of my sexuality, or confident in myself, and as a child was painfully shy. when i was a little kid i was happy, and would act the fool all the time. I remember one time i must have been acting a bit camp or something and my mother looked terrified and told me never to act that way. it scared me and it felt like a lost a part of myself somehow, and i think i became afraid of expressing myself.

    later on, in my twenties, after years of depression, my sister asked me one morning why i didnt have a girlfriend, and said 'we all think theres something wrong with you' (meaning family i guess). this started making me paranoid, and that night in my local some friends were making gay jokes, and i reacted kind of defensively. they all started calling me queer, and before i knew it half the people i knew were treating me like a leper, and others were making snide remarks and asking why i dint come out.

    after a few weeks i stopped leaving the house, and had what i now know was a nervous breakdown. i wanted to kill myself, adn could think of nothing else. I would watch tv with my stereo playing full volume to try and stop myself thinking about what was happening. somehow i got back on my feet after a couple of months, and put it behind me, i remember deciding to live my life on my own, and made myself forget. i moved away, got a job, and carried on, but always having worries in the back of my mind that wouldnt leave me alone.

    I used to get very nervous around girls, i couldnt speak, and would blush. the more attractive a girl is the worse it is. I guess as i have got older i have become more used to
    talking with girls, but still find myself feeling very self conscious. i only lost my virginity at 32, it was ok, but i couldnt stop shaking the whole time. it was a fling with a friend which shouldnt have happened, as she was married and we were both drunk. I always seem to have something holding me back, and i worry that if i do turn out to be gay, i would ruin someones life by getting involved with them.

    Im not sure if im gay or not, but think i might be attracted to men more emotionally than sexually if that makes any sense, as they dont make me horny. I am ashamed to say i use porn, and fantasise sexually about women, but i am wondering if i do this to fool myself into thinking im straight? i probably think too much!

    about a year back i had another breakdown, due to stress at work, and family health worries. I finally went to the doctor ( i hadnt been for fifteen years) and he put me on anti depressants. They havent really worked all that well, and i still get very anxious and paranoid around people. i changed medication about a month ago, and while i feel less depressed, the old demons have come back to torment me. i feel like i did after the first breakdown again, i am so tired of not knowing who i am or what i should do. i will have to go back to my old job soon and im not sure i will cope. I dont know if im straight or gay or bi or just have social anxiety.

    sorry for such an essay for a first post. i know nobody can tell me who i am or what i am, but maybe some of you guys can relate to any of this? I have never talked with anyone about this, and dont think i could...just hope for some advice maybe

    big thanks to anyone who read this far
    :help:
     
  2. Legnaj

    Legnaj Guest

    Dunno if this helps but just some thoughts.

    Know that your not alone. Sexuality is a complicated thing. I personaly would say to confront your problems becasue it seems like you've been repressing them for a long time. Identity of one's self is truely important to achive before one can really start living life to the fullest. My only worry is your medication.

    I would be in full support of what I just said BUT the very worries you have to confront...are confronting you right back. Might make it a medically challenging. Best thing to do is to talk and by the looks of it your on the right path, I think :c )

    I mean you know what the issue is that's hindering you. Now you have to come to terms/peace with it. Whatever the outcome is after the issue is confronted, I think, will be a better situation then your are now. Knowing you can put those memories away for good becuase you delt with them and all. Knowing that they can't hit back becuase they've already been beaten. GL
     
    #2 Legnaj, Feb 5, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 5, 2009
  3. Mirko

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    Hi and welcome to EC! :slight_smile: I'm glad you joined.

    You have mentioned a few things (in particular regarding the depression) where I think someone else might be in a better position to give you some advice.

    You have mentioned that you are seeing a doctor. I am wondering though are you also seeing a therapist/counselor? If not, maybe that would be something to look into. From my own experience, talking with a counselor about my feelings, and the coming out process has helped a lot. Talking aloud about our fears and about ourselves can make a difference. Sometimes things become clearer. Also with the input of a therapist/counselor you might be able to really 'examine' yourself and get to know yourself.

    It seems that you have oppressed your sexual identity for some time, and doing that can in itself cause a lot of stress and anxiety. Letting go of that, and trying to change things can and most likely will take some time. In some ways your post reminds me of my own experience of not talking about my sexual identity for a long time. I only came out this year. I think it is normal to feel defensive and trying to protect oneself in particular if one is trying to figure things out and understand as to what is actually happening.

    It is perfectly alright to be still questioning your sexual identity. I would not worry about that. The important thing is that you do take your time in figuring things out and really go with what you feel comfortable with.

    Remember that we can have different levels of attachments to females and males. From what you have described there is a possibility that you might be bi (leaning towards females more so than males). But with different experiences and following what feels right for you you will be able to figure it all out.

    I hope this helps a bit.
     
  4. biisme

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    First off, welcome to EC.

    Secondly, I'm sorry that you've felt this bad for so long. (*hug*)

    As you said, we can't tell you who you are, but we can listen and talk to you while you try and figure it out. Legnaj is right; sexuality is a complicating thing. It's also fluid. Who you're interested now may not be who you used be interested in, or who you're doing to be interested in in the future. There is a possibility that you're gay. Or, you could be bisexual. However, the fact that you're questioning seems to indicate that whatever you are, you're not completely straight. You might like girls 95% and guys 5%, but there's still that 5%. Whatever you decide you are, you are welcome here, even if you decide you're straight.

    Do you have any close friends or family that you could possibly talk to about this? If you know someone who would be supportive, it might be nice to talk to them. You don't have to go to them with everything all figured out. An honest thing to say would be that you're questioning/still figuring it out. Or, you mention going back to your job, do you have any friends from work who you could talk to and might make it easier for you to go back?

    And one last hug for good measure. (*hug*)
     
  5. gelert

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    thanks guys, for your thoughts and for the (*hug*) 's god knows i could use some. I just wish i could have some peace of mind, my only escape is sleep, and i cant even sleep properly anymore. it is a start to post here, I am lucky to have found this place, although even coming here is making my head hurt. i need to talk to someone like you say, or i will forever be in torment. my anxiety levels are thru the roof, and feel sick all the time. maybe the meds arent working. no friends at work i would talk to about this, but i might speak to my mum, and hope she doesnt freak out. I did see a counsellor one time, but it didnt work out and just made me feel worse...she did say that she thought i was afraid of myself, which is probably true though.

    if you feel attracted to someone, can you describe how it feels, in terms of emotionally? such a basic thing, and i dont even know how feelings work.

    i think i had better get out for a walk and some air, it might make me feel a bit better. thanks guys (*hug*)(*hug*)
     
  6. Jim1454

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    Hi there, and welcome to EC.

    I'm glad you're taking steps to figure out who you are and to work out the things in your life that have been bothering you. Going to see a therapist would likely be the best thing for you. While it might not have worked in the past, I'd suggest trying it again. Therapists are like shoes - the first one you try on isn't necessarily the one that fits.

    It could be that you have social anxiety. But what brought it on? Well - it could be your orientation issues. It's very hard to say.

    What I would suggest is working on just one day at a time. One moment at a time. I think many people get so worked up over their 'wasted' past or the uncertainties in their future that they become overwhelmed. Instead, just focus on right now. Today. What do you have to do today? Maybe it's ironing so you have a shirt to wear to work tomorrow. Maybe it's picking up groceries. Maybe it's getting the phone book out and making an appointment with a counsellor. Don't try to map out life-altering plans. Don't expect things to be perfect. Try to let go of the fears and just do what's in front of you.

    All are easier said than done. But with practice it can be done. And life gets much better as a result. I've "been there and done that."

    Again - welcome to EC. I hope you find it useful to share your thoughts and feelings here. Good luck.