Hi I'm Rory, I'm 22 years old and I'm gay. I came out aged 19 and I've had a boyfriend since I was 20. I'm still with him and things are pretty awesome. I'm comfortable in my little group of friends and with my parents. However, so much of the time in new situations I'm not comfortable at all and have extreme anxiety over my sexuality. I really do not fit the 'stereotype' for being gay at all. I'm fairly masculine, not especially trendy, pretty shy/nervous, very nerdy and very dopey. If anything I'm the furthest thing from the stereotype. People are pretty surprised if they find out I'm gay. This makes me really nervous when I'm coming out to new people. The thought of just casually bringing my boyfriend up in conversation makes me feel kind of nauseous as I know people just will not be expecting those words to come out of my lips. If I was some big, loud effeminite person I feel as though I would be more confident and would expect people to accept me more easily. However, I'm just a very plain, average guy who is pretty geeky and pretty shy. This makes me lack a lot of confidence in myself a lot and not feel very comfortable in my sexuality. Everyone just assumes I'm heterosexual from looking at me and I somehow feel like I ought to change, that way I could accept myself a bit easier, and others may too. I expect people to not accept me, where as they would accept some very effeminate, stereotypical gay. I know that sounds stupid. Furthermore, I live in a rural area where there really aren't many gay people at all. Its a nice enough place but I often just feel so out of place. Its like I'm living in this bi heterosexual world and I don't belong in it. Although people aren't really homophobic here I still feel like its a big deal. A lot of people may not have heard a guy refer to his boyfriend and this makes me feel uncomfortable, and I find it so hard to bring it up in conversation. Does anyone have any advice for me in how to feel more confident and self accepting? Also how can I reduce the feeling of anxiety when I try to be open about my sexuality? I feel a huge rush of anxiety go through my body if I ever try to refer to my boyfriend casually in conversation and feel really stupid, like 'why did I say that?' afterwards.
Like you, I'm rather masculine. I don't come across as gay at all. When I was dating my ex, he would often introduce me as "not stereotypical at all." Like you, I really struggled with this aspect of myself for a long time, especially admitting I was gay. Even despite being ~100% out, it still can feel awkward at times. Over the past couple of years, I've started hanging around with a lot more straight guys, and most of them are very comfortable with their sexuality. As one friend said to me, "who cares if THEY'RE not comfortable with my sexuality, I am. If they can talk about their girlfriends freely, why can't I talk about my boyfriend?" Getting used to telling others about your boyfriend will probably take years to get used it. It took me a long time as well. I don't know if the anxiety feeling ever goes away completely, but I've gotten much better with it. It takes a lot of getting used to with the thought "this is who I am, and if you don't like it, tough shit. I've gone through too much anxiety, feelings of shame and repression of my true self to go backward because YOU might feel slightly uncomfortable."
Thanks As for your friends comment, I'd love to feel like them, but I'm not an especially confident person and another person's opinion gets me very anxious. I think you're right though, practice makes perfect!
Being vulnerable in front of others is hard for everybody. It's especially hard when you're different than your expected to be. High self esteem can help cushion the blow if you aren't accepted by someone. I would say just work on improving your self esteem. It can can't hurt anything.
