Hi everyone, just found this website before and after reading some different threads I decided to make an account and post here. Although my situation isn't quite as severe as some, I can relate to some of what people have said and I wanted to share my story. I always saw myself as straight and was also attracted to women right until a time around 5 and a half/6 years ago when I noticed I'd started to get feelings for men I hadn't had before. I also became curious about gay porn and it went from there (earlier I found myself agreeing with a post I saw where somebody said when watching straight porn they were watching the guy). At different times over the years afterwards even as recent as last year I tried to convince myself I wasn't gay, earlier on that I was bi or that I wanted women and not men but in the end I always gravitated back to the fact I was interested in men and not women. Aside from this, I have had and still have issues, mostly to do with anxiety/being socially awkward. As of the last 2-3 years I haven't had any friends and even then ever since I left a training facility that I went to with a few of them 6/7 years ago it was very rare I actually saw them/spoke to them. It also didn't help that a particular game we played together and sometimes interacted on I had quit after being addicted to it. I basically cut myself off from them because I'd resigned myself to the fact that they didn't really want to know me, only when it suited them and it was always me that had to make the effort. I should also add that I haven't had a relationship ever or any kind, never a girlfriend and never any romantic interaction with anybody. I would say that in large part this is to do with my anxiety/confidence issues and the obvious lack of social situations. I also was of the mind set that I would always be alone, I wouldn't meet anybody/make friends and the only way I would possibly become involved with a man would be if I left home and got my own place. Aside from those issues, I also have a form of OCD to further compound things (I only found out this is what it was recently). The OCD had been around as far as 4/just over 4 years ago but the **** really hit the fan in November last year and soon after I started to see a counsellor and this time I was ready to talk to one whereas in the past when I'd seen one about another issue, I wasn't and so didn't get anywhere. Around that time I had become fed up of being in my self imposed prison and really wanted to get help to move forward in life and live a normal life. I've also been taking some anxiety medication for a little while now aswell as taking another medication to help relax my bladder (another issue that I have ) I have in the last few months embraced the idea of me being gay and also my parents had already said in recent months that they would be completely fine if I was gay and they just want me to be happy. I would like to finish on that note by saying that I came out to my mum before which was also the first time I had said out loud that I was gay and will be telling my dad/brother in the next few days aswell as my councellor when I next see him. I've recently been experiencing a kind of nervous excitement I guess which I attribute to me embracing the fact I'm gay and subconsciously that I wanted to come out sooner rather than later which like I mentioned before I did to my mum just earlier this evening. I've found some of the posts really helpful so far and I think this also inspired my decision to do this tonight and something I now also want to do is look for a LGBT support group in my area as a way of meeting people, meeting other LGBT people and of course for support.
Wow Liam – thanks for sharing your story. It really resonated with me as I went through almost all of those same stages. Particularly this stage: I felt the same way for the longest time. In hindsight, I think it was tough to imagine someone else taking an interest in me because I had such a poor view of my own self. I think that it’s great that you’re starting to embrace this part of yourself. Telling others, especially loves ones, can be very exciting indeed. It’s like a whole new world of possibilities opens up – which can be thrilling after years of thinking that you’re just meant to be a loner. Thanks again for the powerful story, and I wish you the best of luck as you begin moving your life forward!
Thank you Cort. I have to also say that reading all the posts I've read tonight in other threads about people going through the same thing or worse has helped already and it is a great feeling to know how much support there is out there whether it be online or somewhere else.
Just wanted to add that today has been a bit of a breakthrough for me I guess. I feel like a new person really... more confidant than I was before and able to converse/come out of myself more at work and not be so reserved. I also actually started swearing at work today (not excessively) but I just thought I'd mention it since the environment I work in (in a factory) there is a fair bit of it, think people were probably a bit shocked haha. I'm also starting facebook again to try and reconnect with some people. Tomorrow will be a good day too, since the next part of the coming out process will be complete for now in that I'll be telling my Dad and my brother will find out plus I'll be talking to my councillor. I'm looking forward to meeting other LGBT people if I can find a support group somewhere local and think I'd actually be able to go through with it, things are looking up! :icon_bigg
