So yeah, I'm still closeted and honestly it's now getting to the stage where it's killing me and tearing me apart on a daily basis. I'm also suffering from depression and it's not helping at all! I'm craving something that I can't pursue because I'm holding back an enormous secret. It's sad to say but I'm craving love, I have been for months and I just want to feel normal again and have support from all my friends and feel that I can just talk about men comfortably. I've just felt empty my entire life watching people fall in love and be happy in relationships and I've constantly been stuck in a bubble that I can't crack because it's not socially acceptable to a lot of people I've been around my entire life. I know it's 2016 now and things have changed dramatically, being gay isn't so "wrong" anymore to the population and I know that not everybody is going to agree or accept it and not everybody is going to be against you either, it's just how comfortable people feel with the idea of it. So the tricky part is choosing the right people to tell. So what I'm hoping is by coming out to my close group of boys is hopefully not having to be discreet anymore, perhaps meeting men at socials or bars would be a great step for me after I accomplish this step... Although I don't want to do it alone and telling friends would help me feel comfortable if someone was by my side when meeting people, or even if they knew where I was so that I don't have to lie to people or live two separate lives. I'm not 100% now is the right time to tell them yet, here's why... So to start off with, I've decided that, being halfway through my first year at university, I've felt that dropping out would be a great decision so that I can go travelling independently and be out as myself, (I will return to university, im not throwing away my education I'm just taking a break to have some freedom and hopefully feel more comfortable with myself)... So travelling would be that option where nobody back home would be interfering with my life and I think it would be less stress for myself that way, so I can explore and meet people gay and straight but being myself, and see the world for what it really is. I understand that I'm feeling a bit hormonal and this decision is a bit over the top, the reality of travelling isn't tranquility and freedom always, and Im not expecting to meet the love of my life either. My plan is to tell my friendship group of lads, these lads aren't new friends I've known these guys as far back as I can remember. I honestly trust them with everything and we've all been really close for years. I get the feeling they have always known that I'm gay, but boys will be boys and they tend to joke a lot about being gay and stuff like that... So it's quite contradicting as I'm not sure if I'm just being paranoid about myself. Although the jokes tend to be aimed at me the most.. This is only because of the copious amounts of sex I've turned down from women on plenty of occasions and my failure to maintain relationships with them. So the "banter" is always aimed at me. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't bother me because at the end of the day, I'm happy being attracted to guys and Im in no rush to have another Sexual relationship with a woman. I know they're only joking and there's seriously no point on dwelling on it either. Coming out to them is the scariest decision that I'm about to make, and I really need the advice on what to do! I know that "if they're you're real friends then they will accept you for who you are" etc.. Heard it all before, but the feeling at the minute is thatI have faith in them that they would be accepting... However, I feel that they're going to act weirder with me, I.e not be comfortable with staying in the same room as me, strange with being alone together... Act different on the lads nights And my worst nightmare is being neglected from my closest friends. So I don't want things to turn sour like that, I'd rather resume my position and enjoy our friendship for as long as I can. I'm not the typical gay stereotype, don't get me wrong I've been accused and asked if I was gay in the past due to the lack of interest of interacting with women. But then again, I've also been told that I'm the last person they'd expect to be gay. Even by my boys, so it becomes very complicated when I get impressions from them if they're trying to hint something or... I don't know. I find being so "straight" hard as well to talk to gay men that I've met in the past with respect because a camp voice or camp gestures are an instant turn off for me, I prefer a masculine man. Sorry about waffling... Back to the point, do I tell them and trust them to keep the secret strong and be accepting to me or just leave to travel and carry on like nothing's changed?
Well the point of the matter is, if you don't tell someone your head will explode. ._. That would be messy, so we can't have that. If you don't decide to tell one of your guy friends, I would try to find someone else that you can trust with your secret. That aside, let's presume that you are going to tell one of your guy friends. (by the way, I did notably say ONE--Or one at a time, at least. Tends to go better that way. At least that's what I would suggest.) Before telling them, try feeling the waters out, if possible. For example, see if you can find out how they actually feel towards gays. If you're pretty sure that they'll accept you, but don't want them to view you differently, well, tell them that when you come out. Sometimes being direct is best. Hope this all helped, and good luck.
Goodness me, I can understand how you feel. After years of hiding that I'm gay to my all straight friends, I finally came out to them two weeks ago and it turns it they are all happy for me. For years I struggled with telling them because I feared being rejected from them. The banter didn't help me either because by hearing all these things and the fact I didn't really know my friends all that well, I was confused and was led down the wrong path about how they would feel if I told them I still have fears though that when we all meet up, things are going to be different. The banter might be too much and they might distance themselves from me. I would recommend telling them on Facebook because doing it face to face was too scary for me. Hope you find a resolution to telling them and good luck.
I would question whether you need to leave university to do this I nearly ducked out and someone persuaded me to stick with it and I am glad I did stick with it. I may not have gone back. you can out yourself "anywhere" you don't need to be in another country (although the idea of being free is appealing) so maybe the question is whether your chosen degree is important as a foundation in your life and whether you can 'out' yourself in the university environment if you do leave the university is there a risk you will never go back to complete the degree?
Tell your friends, tell them one by one, pick whomever you think is the most honest trustworthy friend, the one who gets along with everyone great. Just tell that one person because a true friend won't care. After that have the next one you're going to tell figured out. Make a list of the people that you want to tell and start checking off the people as you tell them. Write out how you want to word it and practice it in the mirror, I know that sounds funny but try it. Once you tell the first few it will get easier. If someone doesn't support you then ignore them, but I think you'll find most good friends will accept you for who you are. Good luck and keep us posted!
Hi, Thanks everyone for the advice, really appreciate it. I do think it's time to tell them and yes one by one sounds like a great idea, and so does practising in the mirror! Although I find if I talk on impact it tends to come out better than exhausting myself with a prepared speech that never ends up the way I'd like it to sound. I'll try it and see how it goes. I guess if everything goes wrong it's not the end of the world I can find some new friends and start fresh! As of for university, i don't think I want to put myself in an awkward position as I dont really trust people here and also I know people here who are from back home, which would spread word and cause all sorts of complications! I'm not sure I'm ready to be here yet. I know dropping out is a really big thing, but I'm not the sort of guy that likes to fail. This decision has been made entirely on the basis that my personal life has become such a distraction that I can't concentrate on my educational and working life. I guess there is always time to come back and study, besides most of the people here are older than me and have had time out of education / gap years etc. But I do understand a lot of people never to return after dropping out. I hope I don't regret this decision and choose that later in life!
Hey man, I'm in the same situation as you are and I know exactly how you're feeling right now. I'm sick of keeping this to myself and I want to tell my mates but I'm scared of exactly the same things you are. I wish I could just leave things the way they are and not drop this bombshell on them but I know that I have to for my own sanity. I really hope they just treat me the same and nothing changes but that's not a guarantee. Half the time I think they're all on to me already and then I think they have no idea at all. All I can say is that the longer you go after accepting that youre gay and reconciling it within yourself the less you will care what others think. I love my mates and I know they love me... they have all told me that many times before. I just hope they love me enough to not let this cause a rift between us and things can go on like they always have. Good luck with everything and telling everyone. I'll be telling my friends and family soon so I'll let everyone know how I go and how they react.
Mate, just tell them – and let’s say you were one of my friends. If it was me, I’m very, very open minded and I accept people of ALL sexual orientations – I have heard everything and it would not matter me one bit if my friend came out and said he was sexually attracted to men, trans, animals, cars, inanimate objects, cadavers, corpses, children, babies or whatever floats his boat – it really doesn’t matter, and I would still accept him as a friend
I think you just need to bite the bullet and do it. One by one, I agree, is the best route, and choose the friend you feel closest to, or the kindest of them. I also agree that you should be direct and tell them that you do t want things to change between you, because you want only their friendship to remain as it is. How are you doing? Have you told anyone yet? Best!!! xo.
