hi guys im 22 y old guy from istanbul thats dying by depression every day, i dont know where to start and my english is not that good so sorry for english guys, i think i will start from beginning, so i dont remember myself loving specific gender i always liked guy,girl,trans basicly any human that looks attractive to me sexualy, but i like guys abit more than others does this make me gay ? i did sex with girls and guys but i like guys more u know when i walk out and shit i pay atention on guys more than girls, never had relationship with a guy dont even wanted to date with a girl cause even if i love girl and have a happy life i think i will still wantto have sex with guys so it wont work. Anyway i dont even know yet that if people born or turn gay, but i think i born gay since i liked man even when im kid before going school once i remember xD mom asked me if my dick is going hard when i see a beautiful girl i said yes but it does when i see guys too, she confused a bit and i didnt even know that why my dick goes hard at those times, also another thing i didnt discovered yet i was jerking off all the time even before puprety maybe u wont belive but its true, i didnt know that it was jerking i didnt even know anything about sexualty but i was just humping stuff when im like 4-10 y old and water was coming out of my dick and it was feeling good i used to do that all the time(its weird i know). so my first experiance was with my cousin when im like betwen 10-11 years old we did suck eachother fucking but it was like funny u know imagine what 10 y old can do anyway he turn out that he is straight now he has girlfriend and he is pretty normal guy i never mentioned any of my friend about that i like guys we been meeting up and jerking together but i was watching them more than i watch porn löl ... idk... so after some point touching and sucking with some of my friends i felt guilty i was crying at nights before going sleep and i was feeling like i dont belong to my family cus they are so nice and im dirty and doing wrong thing i was little bit religious those times belive in god and stuff so i had enough of crying and hiding it i called my mom crying and told her everything i sucked a dick get fucked and fucked my friends she didnt shocked that made me really happy she just asked dont do that cus your butthole can get damaged and bleed and said you did all these cus you are just wanting to explore things its normal (she didnt think im gay or anything) so after that moment i was really happy then i start middle school u know 5-8 grades and i was pretty horny guy those times i did alot of stuff too but again never said anyone that i like boys in real life (was chating with ppl online from difrent countrys saying that im gay or smting freely and it feels good) but cause i hide and dont tell it to people was making me sick in real life i keep eating my nails, cant focus on things, and unhappy after some point and its geting worse each year. at highschool still same just geting more depresed, now im at uni third grade im really fucking done... i cant even sleep anymore thinking about what to do, how im gona live, my family is pretty religious i dont want them to be sad but i had enough of making myself sad by trying to not making them sad... so i dont know most of the times i cry during nights and think about suicide few time i atemted to suicide but i stoped cus i was thinking about my sister and mom they gona miss me and im gona miss them and i will die and they wont even know who i was but now again im thinking about suicide im realy depresed people see me as creep im just eating myself from inside geting sick im sure its cause of depresion i might get cancere if i go like this... i told few people that im gay in real life it does help a little but real problem is family they think im one lazy fuck that dont have girlfriend and antisocial... i refused alot of girls that want to date with me, i dont even go friends meeting or activities like they go rafting, climbing, paintball u know stuffs like that bars, partys i dont wantto go cause nothing entertains me when this shit is in my mind 24/7 im single atm never went gay bar or gay club or used any site for gay meeting in istanbul, i scare if people find out and makes judges about me im a fucking coward <.< and bars and clubs not my kind of places. i dont do drink, drug or smoke, one of my friend sugested me to start drinking and try to enjoy life but i dont think it will have any good benefit to me. everything would be easy if i get 1 single good word againts gays and stuff by family but they always bash them my mom keeps saying that gays are pervert animals freaks saying me that prophet shit turns all gays into stones you know ... fucking religion stuff... I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO GUYS !!! i love my family too even when they say those things if i didnt love them i would just abondon them and get a new start in a difrent counrty i never had money problem they allways bought what i wanted and keep giving me tons of money if i tell them im gay they can abandon me or they will want to change me, they will have problem with other family members telling everyone that im gay which is like a nightmare since most ppl in family more religious that my parents ... im in shit stuation if i tell im gay to them again im shit situation and i put them in shit situation aswell which is better for everyone ? being a lazy fuck that doesnt have girlfriend ? having a gay guy in really religious family ? or should i just leave them without saying im gay ? i want them to know me i want them to know why im acting weird all this times but i dont want to break them i know they dont deserve it u know they want their grandsons and plans for me .................... someone fucking help me guys T_T (as i said at start sorry for bad english, i did skip most parts i can explain more stuff if you ask) idk guys idk .... my life is just fucking one big I DONT KNOW ... löl .... :L
Hi there. I really empathize with your situation. I also grew up in a religious home and when my mum found out I was gay she was devastated. I think my mum and I did not talk for about a year. But today, years later we are more closer than before because I feel comfort knowing that she knows who I am. Even today its still baby steps but we have both come along way. I won't lie to you, it might not be easy but telling them may be the best thing to do for you. With my family it took a while for me to start educating them on my life and how been gay doesn't fit all stereotypes like clubbing, drugs and promiscuity. But its better when you are giving them the information, than your family getting information via the internet or movies which might give them the wrong idea of who you are. At the end of the day, family that truly loves you will support you and want you to be happy. It might not be as bad as you think
