I'm currently in a tricky situation, but i have no idea how to start a thread: so I will give some information, and then the questions First of all I'm a 16 year old, gay boy from the Netherlands. Currently living in a small town. About 10 months ago my parents discovered, in a totally chaotic way, that i was gay. I have know it since my 14th, and I knew I wasn't straight from my 12th. After they discovered it we sort of ignored the subject untill i finally had the courage to ask them about it (this was about 2 months ago). Then I discovered that they accepted me being gay, which was a real relieve for me. About a month ago I asked them how they felt about me being 'openly gay' at school (Read: confirming to people that I was gay, if they would ask it). They said they understanded me wanting to be open about it. However they asked me if I shouldnt tell my family first, because they might hear about it afterwards. I didnt know if I should of shouldn't. I already told my parents I didn't want to tell my family i was gay, in a sort of 'assembly style'. With this I mean: my family sitting somewhere, and me standing up and saying: "I want to tell you something, I'm gay". Info about my family: - my dads side: grandmother, grandfather, 3 aunts, 2 uncles and 1 friend of an aunt. 2 nieces and 5 nephews. They are all Catholic - my moms side: Grandmother, 1 aunt, 1 uncle, 2 nephews. They are all Protestant, and one of the nephews knows Im gay. And further my grandmother and aunt have a gay sort-of-friend. (( I was raised Protestant, but i'm now an Atheïst )) Now my questions: 1) should I tell my family I'm gay before I'm coming out at school? 2) should I even tell my grandparents that I'm gay? 3) What are your experiences with family and school coming-outs? 4) What should I do if my Catholic part of the family is not accepting me being gay? 5) How should I tell my family that I'm gay, if I would come out to them first? (absolutly not the 'assembly style' I mentioned before) 6) How should I come out at school, if not the "Confirming to people I'm gay, if they would ask it" way ? I hope you all understand my English, and above all I hope I get some really good advice for my problems (which shouldn't be too difficult, as this site is marvelous! ) - Dutch
Hello Dutch. Coming out can be scary and such but with little bit of prepping oneself it's propably going to go quite well though it depends on the case 1) I think this is pretty much a preference question that includes variables like: how close you're with your family, how about friends at school. You might want to come out to your friend(s) first if you'd like. That way you can gain more confidence for coming out to your family. Coming out to family can take more energy and you should be prepared as they might have questions and opinions ready and so should be your answers. 2) This is case sensitive. I haven't come out to my dad's side of grandparents. They are way too homophobic fot that. That said, you should consider how they're likely to react. And well. Perhaps you don't want to tell everybody rightaway anyway. Coming out is not a competition. And if it would, it really wouldn't be about speed. 3) When I came out to my parents I totally did it the assembly style. My parents were watching the news. I politely interrupted and told that I have something to tell them. I told what I told, we chatted for an hour. Then carried on with our life. My parents are really open minded so I got lucky My mother then asked if she could tell my sisters. I said sure and yah. I think I got way too easy 4) I'll let some one else answer this one. 5) There are many ways of doing so and since the assembly way is not an option I'd recommend doing some kind of letter. It doesn't have to be actual letter ofcourse. Text message or any such can do aswell. The point in this is to prep them. Some of them might be suprised, some woun't know what to think. So this allows them to get more "familiar" with the idea first before seeing you. Face to face. Doing some research online can help finding different ideas. Some people do it the most interesting ways Also. Have you looked at these? empty closets, coming out resources I'd recommend giving 'em a go. 6) That's the thing I've been doing and it's the best in my opinion. Ofcourse I could go running around, screaming "Look at me, I'm gay" but that would be just silly and selfish Hope this was for any help. Feel free to ask if there is something you'd like to discuss closer. I'm open for discussion ^-^ sincerely - F̪̭̠̪̪̃̌́ͤͩ͢ǒ͑̓͏̹̯x̩̳̞͋̍̎̆̓̄e̘̙̝̝̼̣̊ͫr̡̜͔͂
1) I don't think that's necessary. My brother is gay as well and knows that and told me and my sister (as well as our mother) about it when he was 14 years old. But nobody except our cousin, whom we're close with, knows about that anyways, even though he's 19 years old now. Tbh, I won't come out to my whole family like that either, however I'm not that close with my uncles etc. and my grandparents just grew up in a different time, that would make just everything complicated and kind of pointless anyway. Unless you're going to marry someone of the same sex I don't think the entire family needs to know about it. UNLESS of course, like foxer said you're really close with them. That's a different case altogether. 2) Like I said in 1), I don't think you have to, unless you're really in a serious relationship with another guy. Grandparents just grew up in a time where that was plain wrong and a disease that was supposed to be cured, I don't know how open-minded your grandparents are but I don't think the whole world needs to know you're gay. 3) I don't have too much experiences with this yet. I only told my best friend and he was soo supportive and I was really glad that I told him because it made me feel way better, it got me a bit out of the whole denial thing. I think you should tell the people you're close with first. 4) There's always going to be people who do not accept homosexuality. Should they not accept it... Then they don't. But just because somebody hates pizza doesn't mean pizza is gross. Kind of a weird example, but I'm trying to tell you that just because some people don't agree with something or have different beliefs, they can't force that upon you. It sucks if they are not accepting, but that's that. There will always be enough people to support you! 5) You don't have to force it upon them in the assembly way. Maybe something more like "By the way, I've been meaning to tell you that I'm gay.". You don't have to tell everybody at once, just start with the people you feel more comfortable with and get your way through like that. 6) I think it's fine to just tell people should they ask. Just be you and should people suspect you're not straight and ask then be honest. You don't have to go shove your sexual orientation into other people, but should they be interested, go ahead and tell them. Or just tell your friends at school and it might spread by itself. Good luck, mate!
I don't think assembly style would be necessary at all; you could even have your parents tell others in your family if you want. Less arduous and attracts less attention at the same time. Low-key and casual is the best bet imo.
