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I'm really thinking of coming out to my dad

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Wander, Feb 8, 2009.

  1. Wander

    Wander Guest

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    First, the background:

    -I'm already out to my mom and one of my aunts, who are both extremely supportive and treat it like a non-issue. I think part of it comes from them having a lesbian sister and a gay brother who died of AIDS - they've got to be the most tolerant people I know.

    -My dad comes from a very rural, southern, but not "country" background. He has a very "traditionally minded" family, and he's made more than a few derogatory comments towards homosexuals before. Like when he intentionally scheduled me with a female hair stylist because he "suspected" that the male one was "bizarre". Or when he called one of the contestants on a game show "Tinker Bell" for acting a little feminine.

    So essentially, I would have my mom's support if anything went wrong. The problem is that my parents are separate, and I live with my dad - I could visit my mom whenever I liked, but we have an unofficial every-other-weekend schedule. I would really like to have her in the room when I do it for support, but I don't know if that can be worked out.

    Any suggestions on how to approach this, time of the week, method, whatever, will be appreciated. I got lucky with my mom, but I don't know if I can skate right through with my dad.
     
  2. LostAddict

    Regular Member

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    I think you might want to possibly talk it over with your mom first. Discuss that you want to tell him, but that in the event that he reacts badly if you could come stay with her. Just as a precaution. Also, she probably does know him well, I don't know the relationship between them, but she may give you advice on how to pursue it.
    If not, I don't think I can give the best advice as my coming out wasn't exactly planned/ really sloppy. I think just find a day where things seem pretty normal, or that he's in a good mood, and then ask if you can take a bit of his side. Try and not be confrontational about it, and says that if he has any questions you're willing to answer.
    And because someone's going to say it, maybe ask for some PFLAG materials from Becky. I don't really know, but they apparently help.

    Good luck!
     
  3. Mirko

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    Hi there! I think it would be good if you would speak with your mum beforehand. If your dad needs some time to adjust, and/or if you feel that it might be best to give your dad some time and space to come around to it, you could make the necessary arraignments to stay at your mum's place for a while (just in case).

    If you think that it would make it easier on you to have your mum present when you come out to your dad, why not ask your mum if she could come with you? If you explain it to her why you want her to be present, I am sure she wouldn't say no, given the fact that she is so supportive. What you could do, ask your mom to come pick you up from your dad's place on one of the weekends. Before you leave, ask your mom to come in and sit down with your dad and take it from there.

    On other hand if you feel that it would be too difficult to talk to him in person, why not write a letter? You could give it to him before you spend some time with your mom. He might need a bit of time to 'adjust' to it. Having a bit of 'alone' time might not be such a bad idea. You could also include some educational material with your letter. There are some good books including "Now that you know" available as well as online material.

    I hope this helps a bit!
     
  4. Greggers

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    Well, this i can relate with. I have a VERY conservative family, not just my father, and they all made comments like these on a weekly basis. Hence, i too was very scared of the reaction. The sad thing is, we let someones background and upbringing cloud our eyes from the real person. If you think about your father AS your father, the man who raised you, the man who you live with, the man who you (hopefully) love and who loves you back. I came out to my family recently, and im not going to lie it was not easy. But the one thing that i never doubted is that they love me. They never tried to force me out of the house or anything like that. It was, and still is, awkward but every day it gets a tiny bit better. Really, you just have to take the plunge. If you never jump into the cold water, you will never be able to let your body adjust to it. Standing on the edge of the pool looking in will never help you adjust. The only way is to take that inital plunge. It may be cold at first, but time will be on your side. Every second of every day that passes your father will get used to it. I know he will still love you, as all parents do, but until you give him the chance to get to know the real you there is no way to tell.

    I hope this helps somewhat, if you want to talk, hear more of my story, or whatever it may be just PM me :slight_smile: (any lurkers, feel free to as well!) (*hug*)
     
  5. epiphanies

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    I haven't had the experience of coming out to parents, so this is mostly from an outside view. I'm gonna repeat the sentiments from above and say you should talk to your mom about it. She would know the best course of action. I don't think you should write him a letter and then leave for the weekend though, because if he wants to talk to you and is accepting at first, you won't know. And the wait from the time you tell someone until you get their reaction is terrible! I know when I told my friend over txt I was freaking out because it took her a while to respond.

    If you decide to write a letter, try to get it to him so that he can read it before/while he's at work or in the morning so he has a little time to think about it, but not so long that you get too nervous.