I finally came out after 20+ years

Hello EC,

I apologize for my super long absence from here and the super long post. I have a lot I need to just express. Forgive me. I have been away from this website for a while due to a very heavy university and work schedule. Though, all is well. Last year I was in a deep depression and anxiety driven life because I hid my sexuality from everyone. I thought that liking women and men in a romantic or intimate way was wrong. I used to pray to God to rid myself of the feelings of homosexuality because it was drilled into my head that it was wrong. I was made fun of throughout elementary, middle school, high school and even in work for the possibility of being gay. I shut my mouth and denied due to pure fear even when people asked me bluntly if I was gay. In high school I started to question myself and realized that I was bi.

My church even lost members because we have a gay pastor and his partner in the church. I was fearful about what would happen to me if I told the truth. Though, I kept moving forward. Things started changing for the better when I told my pastor in summer last year that I was bisexual and she hugged me with open arms as I cried in front of her because I thought that I was going to be sent to hell. Just thinking back to that moment brings me to tears as I write this. I told my therapist that I was bisexual last year as well. Though, I waited to tell my parents. My brother doesn't care that I'm bi he is very open.

In high school and in the beginning college I lived a double life. I even attended a religious college at a time frame. Some of my first crushes were women. When most people had crushes on Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner during the Twilight days, I had my crush on Kristen Stewart for a while. LOL.

I was more tomboyish and androgynous back in high school as well. I threw my romantic feelings of both women and men on the back burner because I heard all my life it was wrong, instead of being myself I hid everything within. Secretly I watched tons of LGBTQ films, saw on television drag shows and even had women hit on me and ask me out. I continued to shut my brain off and turn women down. To the point that I would have dreams of dating and being with people of the same sex. I regret all that and it was due to fear when I was younger.

I was going crazy back then. I was truly trapped within myself. Even though in my heart my feelings for both sexes could not go away.

As I got deeper into college life, last year Fall I found a woman that I really liked and she was incredible attractive and wonderful to talk to. I found out through observance that she had boyfriend and I let my feelings go. I continued to ask guys out finding romance in some. Though, I knew then, that it was really a living hell I was putting myself through to be accepted by everyone around me by hiding myself.

That is when I decided to come out to my mom two weeks ago as bi. After hearing Ellen Page speak on having panic attacks due to hiding her sexuality it was wake up call for me because I was dealing with similar problems.

I was in the car driving somewhere with her and I told her that I loved her and that my sexuality is not her fault. Then, I said I was bi. After stuttering and crying. She was accepting, asked me a few questions in a curious way and said that in the end she wanted me to be happy.

Only to find out a few days later that she thought it was phase and denied it flat out.
I have stuck with my stance on my bisexuality and I know that it is true for me in my heart. After having religion for all of her life I can see the difficulty in her believing that part of me. In the end...I am glad I came out to her because I got sick of hiding and to be frank I already built up a small network of people that are LGBTQ accepting before I came out to my mom and other members of my family. This way if I got kicked out, I would have some back up somewhere else. Though, gratefully that didn't happen. My mom knows gay and lesbian people. It is just hard for her to understand everything completely.

I am happy to share my thoughts on women and men in a romantic and intimate way to others around me without lying anymore about it toward those that are accepting of me, even if it is if not my immediate family.

I feel free in general because I am not afraid to speak up anymore. I hid my truth for 20 plus years. I am still cautious of who I talk about my bisexuality to because this world can be cruel. I even considered death at a point. Though, those dark days are over for me.

I am just glad I told my mom the truth in the end because I don't have to hide anymore about that part of my identity. Even, though we agree to disagree on sexuality. Lol. It is okay I will not impose anything on her or my family. I feel healthier and happier now. Even my anxiety has lessened. My family has grown closer and it's been better overall for all of us.

Don't be afraid to tell the truth and be open about yourself. When people are not true to themselves it can feel like a prison at points instead of a place of security. Love is Love in the end. Love has no boundaries or rules. There are people out there that will stand by you in the end. You are loved. As an ally of LGBTQ and finally being open with my sexuality toward others my final message is Stay Strong. It's been an emotional week for me because I am free, but I have never felt happier.

And remember:

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.” ― Bernard M. Baruch
(*hug*)

Thanks a million for reading. Hope my story helps.

 

I believe that you will be okay in the end. It is not really about coming out for others, more about coming out for yourself that is vital. When the time is right for you and you feel comfortable, then do so. As a friend of mine told me, speaking your truth is invaluable. No one can take it away from you. Have a good day and remember there are always people that will love you for you no matter what. Love is Love.

---------- Post added 15th Feb 2016 at 08:58 PM ----------

Thank you. Your comment is appreciated dearly.

 

Thank you so much.