The more I feel a step closer to being free, the more suffocating it is.

I am not going to lie.. I use to make fun of people like you. Like ME. I have always known I was different, and I have only played on it in a joking/mocking manner. It was always enough to where I enjoyed it, but it could always be played off as a joke.
I feel like this has been an out of control locomotive running down the tracks, where it ends up meeting a hard left, and doesn't quite make it. The only person to know what I am going through is my best friend, through coded messages. I knew he knew what I was talking about from his responses. He was always going to be my best friend no matter what.
That was my biggest fear. Losing him. The next was my wife. Wow, I love her. I love everything about her. I love the way she loves. I would NEVER want to hurt her or do anything to hurt her. She means the world to me. She made me become the person I am.
I was a lost soul until she came along and put me on a path. Well, that path lead me to the right path for me. So, here I am. I just need a little more guidance. I don't know how to describe me, except for I look about 15 years younger than I am (I am 46). I am not what you would call a "man's man". I am more along the line of a pretty boy looking character that happens to be able to hold his own.
I have been hit on more times by men than I have been by women. I have had every opportunity to play upon it, but I haven't. I really am not interested in men, I am more interested in sexy, sensual, and very feminine that happen to still pack, AND I still love women. But I have yet to find one that is in line with where I am coming from.
I am so turned on by the thought of being with someone like that for the first time.. I have never, ever felt that before. I kind of feel that sensation when I am with a woman for the first time, but then it always grows old for me quickly. I feel there is always something missing. I know what it is now. It's the ability of me being able to be me and her being able to satisfy my needs.
Now that I have laid that all out on the table, I would like help in figuring out how I should make my next step. I love this woman as much as you could love a person, so remember that. Please.

 

Thank you for the support. I have been anxiously awaiting any kind of response. It's already a scary thing, then when nobody responds, it makes you wonder if silence is the only thing you are going to hear after all this. Thank you for being that person. I really do want to stay with my wife, but getting her to understand me and not be freaked out or humiliated by me is another thing.

I have never had anyone to talk to about this and it's brought me to having suicidal thoughts and massive depression, along with all the anxiety that goes with it. I am about to talk to her best friend, as I did mine, but with more facts. I hope this goes well.

I really have no idea how I am going to explain this to her. I'm seeing talking to her as practice for talking to the person I really need to talk to. I'm not gay, flamboyant, or even act very feminine. I am just me, who happens to like soft pretty awesome things that look really good on me. The only hair on my body are my eyelashes and eyebrows. I can only do my legs in the wintertime, because nobody can see them.

I don't really worry about my wife seeing them because we haven't seen each other naked or had sex in over a year. A perfect life for me would be for her to understand and be alright with it and we move on from this very large bump in the road. But, that's in a perfect world...