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He's meeting up with someone and I don't know how I feel

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by JustBecause, Feb 10, 2009.

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  1. JustBecause

    JustBecause
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    So I posted before that my husband came out to me as bi recently, and we had many soul-searching talks. I'm still not sure how I feel about either of us having a same-sex lover eventually, but I'm theoretically open to it under certain conditions.

    At some point, he joined a... site? Message board? I'm not exactly sure. Anyway, he told me that someone pm'd him about the kind of music he's into and was interested in getting together to play pool. Husband said that it was just someone with common interests hanging out. I trust that. And I have been on him for years to make friends here with people who share his interests and are open minded like ourselves (because the kids and his job, we tend to run into more... 'traditional' people). But I keep finding myself asking... why does it have to be a gay guy that he finally has stuff in common with? And then I feel like a hypocrite, because two of my best female friends are bi. However, they are friends, and I found out they were also bi after we became friends. And I know that I am in no way sexually attracted to them.

    What if he's attracted to this guy? I'm not ready for that. I am just. not. ready. for that much. My friends know what I went through to be with him, but this guy has no knowledge of that. He has no loyalty to me, to our relationship.

    He's going out tomorrow night after I get home from school (after 9 pm). We had decided not to drink for the month of Feb (long story, but we do this now and then) but I want to renig on that. Yet, wanting a glass of wine to take the edge off worrying seems wrong, but then I think well, hell, he's going out to meet some guy I don't know, I've never met, whom he has common interests with... what if he likes this guy more than me? Doesn't all this uncertainty earn me a glass of wine, especially after an econ exam? And then I just feel stupid, because I have male friends at school that I hang out with all the time, at school, and occasionally as a group after class. He trusts me with them, and I trust HIM, so where's the problem?

    I have a feeling it's just all left over from those awful years of on-again, off-again friends with benefits or whatever we were before we finally settled down with each other. I just haven't felt this nervous about him since I went to his house when we were on-again and found his ex-girlfriend sitting on his lap (this was 8 years and 1200 miles ago). We've come so far since then... so why am I even worried?

    Sorry about the novel.

    ~JB
     
    #1 JustBecause, Feb 10, 2009
  2. Lexington

    Lexington
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    Well, consider this. You have bi/gay friends. You have people you can talk to about your sexuality, your attraction to women, your feelings. Your husband, to date, doesn't have anybody like this in his life. He's been denying and pushing away this part of his life for decades. Only now is he finally finding it in himself to allow this part of him out, to say it's OK. And, finally, to talk to someone who has the same feelings.

    I don't know your husband, or this guy he's meeting. But I'd like to think the guy could be me. I'm gay. I'm a music fiend. And I also love helping people. If someone was just coming to grips with their sexuality, and wanted to talk music to boot, I'd be uber-keen to meet up with them and chat. That said, I'd have absolutely no interest in your husband, sexually. I'm partnered, and I'm not interested in branching out past that.

    I think it's more likely that your husband develops feelings for this guy than the other way around. After all, he's finally admitting to attraction to guys, he's meeting a gay guy who has similar interests, so he might start feeling something there. But that doesn't mean the guy will feel the same way.

    How can you feel better about this whole thing? Get involved a bit. Assumedly, he's chatting with this guy on IM or something. Have him invite you into one of the chats. "My wife JB is here with me now." As you get a better bead on this guy, your feelings should solidify. Hopefully, they'll be positive ones. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
    #2 Lexington, Feb 10, 2009
  3. myra

    myra
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    I had the same time type of feelings about my boyfriends female friends. (he's straight) I hated them at first because they were in my "territory" and i was very defensive. It was hard for me to picture him just "being friends" with them. But they were two of his best friends. So...in order to sooth my feelings and not hurt him by hating his friends and feeling like i don't trust him, I met up with those girls. I got to know them and now in fact, I'm really good friends with one of them. My advice...

    Let him hang out with him alone a few times. Then...tell him your feelings and insist on meeting him and getting to know him yourself. I'm not saying be best friends, but get to know him some. That'll sooth your worries. After all...he is your husband. Not just a boyfriend. He is married to you and therefore commited to you. If he really loves you, he's not going to cheat on you.
     
    #3 myra, Feb 10, 2009
  4. Jim1454

    Jim1454
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    I tend to agree with the above posts. Like Lex, I have 'been there' for other men who have gone through a similar process as myself. I wasn't interested in dating them or being physical with them. I was simply meeting with them so that they could talk to someone, in person, likely for the first time in their life, about what they were feeling and going through with respect to being gay.

    However, I didn't go about 'coming out' in the most healthy way to begin with. I was cheating on my wife with other men. If you're not sure what kind of 'site' this was that your husband used, it could be one where the intentions of the guys aren't really that honerable. So while your husband might not have anything but pool in mind, the other guy might.

    The best thing for any relationship is to be honest. Your husband should know that you're anxious about this. You can tell him that you're feeling uncomfortable. Make it about you - how YOU are feeling. Your feelings are legitimate - they are yours.

    That doesn't mean you don't want him to go. It doesn't mean that you dont' trust him. It doesn't mean that you don't want him to have friends after all - just that you're feeling anxious about this. And justifyably so.
     
    #4 Jim1454, Feb 11, 2009
  5. JustBecause

    JustBecause
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    Well, I bit the bullet and asked him about a few things. His connection with this guy really is about the (nonexistant) underground scene where we are. I know he's been wanting someone with interests closer to his for awhile, and I hope for him that this guy becomes a good friend.

    Really, my freaking out yesterday had mainly to do with my own insecurities. We've known each other since we were kids, and I've loved him over half my life at this point - but it wasn't an easy road for us to get where we are now.

    He is under the impression that this is *not* a date, and I hope for his sake, he's right. I kinda worry about that, because he is not the best at picking up on it when he's being flirted with, but he'll have his cell phone. I'm sure it will be fine.

    My kids will be in bed by the time I get home from class, and I plan to distract myself with a few glasses of wine and calling my friend to let her unload about her messy divorce. I was thinking about telling one of my friends at school about the situation last night, because he's a great listener, but the time we usually spend chatting before class by ourselves, we ended up grabbing some food with another friend of ours. C'est la vie.

    It's really not a big deal and you two gave some great advice, which I thank you for. Like I said, I think this is just old insecurities where he's concerned, in general, nothing too specific to the situation at hand.

    Again, THANK YOU for the wonderfully reassuring words (&&&)

    ~JB

    PS - he DID ask me to make sure his favorite shirt is clean - I think that's just nerves though :wink:
     
    #5 JustBecause, Feb 11, 2009
  6. Lexington

    Lexington
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    It better be nerves. He's old enough to wash his own damn shirt now. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
    #6 Lexington, Feb 11, 2009
  7. JustBecause

    JustBecause
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    Ha, that's cute, Lex. Wash his own shirt? Bwahahaha.

    He's great about me being in school and is actually learning to cook! I'll save doing the laundry for next month :slight_smile: Don't want to overload him and end up with burnt rice for dinner!
     
    #7 JustBecause, Feb 11, 2009
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