I'm new here and glad I found this site. I'm a 42 gay male married to a women. We have two boys (15 & 18) and been married for 19 years. I am to the point in my life I need to be happy with who I really am. It took me several year to come to the point to say I AM GAY. I have told two close friends and there response was we will support your decision. I need to know how I should handle this with her when I come out. I know she will call her family and friends to aid to rescue her from the situation. I know there is no right time, but how do I lead up to telling her?
HI Forhim, See some of my earlier postings on the topic. I am grateful for EC too! I am out to my wife and she is devastated. There are no easy solutions. There is no right time. Your wife might feel tricked and fooled by your secret, she may feel unloved and unattractive. She cannot give you what a man can provide. With my wife, we both are in therapy. We are crying together and we're sad about what we have lost. If you dont have a therapist, I would suggest finding one before coming out to your wife. Your family might reject you, including your two sons, who could also feel scared and confused about their future. Good luck on your journey.
Hi Forhim, Welcome to EC :welcome: Congratulations on coming out to yourself. Certainly it takes a lot of courage to embrace our true sexuality at midlife. Many people in a similar situation post in the LGBT Later in Life forum, so check that out as well. A few thoughts and areas of preparation before coming out to your wife. Script - Prepare a script of what you want to say. Brainstorm possible questions and your response, such as, how long have you known? Legal - I suggest consulting with a divorce lawyer to understand the legal issues before coming out. This is especially important if you have children or if infidelity was involved. Communication - After you come out, keep the lines of communication open and continue to have the difficult conversations with your wife. Therapist - You may want to try to find an individual and couples therapist with LGBT experience. You would benefit from a therapist to help you process and understand your feelings. The couples therapist would be beneficial in working through issues and crafting a message for your sons. Hopefully your wife has a therapist or trusted friend she can talk with to help her process her feelings. Grieving process - Your wife needs time to process the news. She will most likely go through the grieving process - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance stages. Coming out plan - You may want to have a conversation with your wife about who to tell and when so that you have a controlled coming out plan. Sex - Given the open communication, it's possible that the two of you may engage in more sex than usual. This is typical. Keep in mind that at some point she may unconsciously start to use sex as a way to bond and keep you in the marriage. When this happens, it is more humane to stop having sex and discuss it with her, rather than to lead her on. I know that's a lot to think about and digest. With preparation and planning, you'll be able to have this difficult conversation and continue on the path towards authenticity.
Thanks for the insight, I really appreciate it. I have been in the process of writing a script with what ifs in it, just in case it goes into a different direction good or bad. There has been infidelity, it's only been with one guy I met years ago. We have since gotten closer over the last few months. He told me I could move in with him it the situation turns bad, but I feel it may not be in my best interest right after coming out to her. Maybe could after everything is settled after I come out.
Have you thought about what sort of outcome you want here? Are you looking to separate, open the marriage, or some other option?
My goal is separation, I know she will not open the marriage, she is a very conservative Christian. If she did it would shock me. I was called out by her several years ago because I was hanging out with another guy to much in her mind. Me and this other guy who is the one I'm seeing now was that guy. I should have jumped at the opportunity then, but I was not out to myself at that time.
However you go about coming out, keep in mind that you've been thinking about this for quite some time (I assume), but this would probably be coming out of the blue for her and your sons. They're probably going to reject you at first, and it may take a significant amount of time before you have a good relationship with your sons again.
I agree that separation is the best outcome for you as a gay man. This will allow both you and your wife to live authentically. I agree with BobObob that you are dropping a bomb on your wife and that she will need time to process the message since you have a head start. Since there was infidelity involved, you will experience a stronger reaction if you disclose the infidelity to her. While disclosure is ideal, legal counsel regarding the implications of SC law might be helpful in guiding your decision. Bottom line is that typical coming out conversations as gay men in a mixed-orientation marriage are one of the hardest things we have to do in life and you should be prepared for a rollercoaster of emotions. As for your sons, unless they are conservative Christian themselves, they are likely to care more about the impact of separation than your sexuality. More often than not, today's kids who love their father will continue to love their gay father. HTH
Thanks for this helpful insight. I can honestly say I'm glad I joined this site. I keep telling myself that when I tell her, it new news and for me it's older news. I totally understand that this needs to be kept in my mind when I do this. I honestly feel that my oldest (18) will not have a problem with it because one of his friends came out gay after they graduated last year, and they still remain friends. But I also know that since I'm dad it may be different. So I'm preparing for both.
