Hi all, I think a little background is in order first. I've known (probably) for some time that I'm not completely straight. Naturally I went out with girls in school (now in university aged 19) and had a couple of "long-term" (in school terms - around 6 months) relationships, but only really did because that was the thing to do at my age. However, I never really felt any attraction to the girls I was going out with. I thought that this was just the fact that I might have been developing later in life and whatnot. I realised in college (when I was 17/18) that I wasn't straight, I'm not necessarily gay, but I certainly don't only have feelings/desires for just one gender. I think I've finally admitted it to myself, although I'm still not completely comfortable with the idea. My dilemma is this. My best friend at uni doesn't (I think) know anything about my sexuality. I'm fairly certain he is straight, but unfortunately I've started to have feelings towards him. Being at uni we've made the jokes and had the camp acting and whatnot given that in my block we're all friends, but I don't know whether he would appreciate it if I were to tell him how I really feel. How would you handle this? My other problem is that one of my good friends is a devout Roman Catholic. I know how he feels about homosexuals and bisexuals, even a Facebook comment will make him uncomfortable. I don't want to alienate him or lose him as a friend but I can't think of a way around this. What should I do? I'm not that worried about my parents and family members. I've got a gay brother who they seem to have accepted without problems and are completely supportive of, so that is at least some comfort, but I really don't want to tell them until I'm completely certain. Thanks for any advice you guys can offer, reading the forums before joining you're highly supportive. Regards, Dr Acula p.s As you can probably tell, I'm a Scrubs fan.
Welcome to EC! First off, it's odd that you only mention your brother in passing. I mean, he's gay. He's probably been down this road. Why not talk to him about it? Or aren't you two very close? Next up, your best friend. No, I wouldn't tell him your feelings towards him. Not just yet, anyway. For starters, you don't even sound that sure about what those feelings are, or how deep they are. Secondly, you're not entirely sure if he's straight, either. So why not bring him onboard a bit? Get him alone, tell him you need to talk to him about something semi-serious. Then talk about you questioning your sexuality. About how you're not sure if you're gay, or bi, or what...but that you're working on it. And let him know that you're telling him this because he's your friend, and you think he can handle this info, and that you might need some support, or somebody to talk to, somewhere down the road. I think the rest of it can wait. Best to focus on you, and getting yourself in a better spot. Keep your mind open, fantasize about whatever your mind takes you to. Eventually, the picture will get clearer. Lex
The Dr. Acula thing was actually a Mitch Hedberg joke first. It's a shame that he died... Something I've always said is that if your friends can't accept you for who you are, they aren't your friends. If your devout religious friend can't accept that you're gay, then it's his loss, not yours, because he apparently wasn't a true friend. I know it sounds harsh, but it's true, and if he's gonna give you a bunch of crap, you don't need that kind of toxicity in your life. True friends stick together and help each other out and support each other. Like the bumper sticker says, "Friends will help you move. REAL friends will help you move the bodies." As far as that other bit, about the crush on your friend, that's always a sticky widget. First things first-come out to him. But, and here's the bigger part, realize that if he's straight, he'll never have feelings for you like you do for him. Don't tell him you have feelings for him right away, because all that can do is stain your friendship. If you really have to get it out there, do a more casual "I love you man" kind of thing. I'm sure you love him as a friend (I love many people in many different ways, so for me such a statement is true), so something less intense would probably fly a bit better. Stupid work getting in the way of completing my post.
We're not that close to be honest. There's a fairly large age gap in my family and he is 14 years older than me, so when he was off to uni and whatnot I would only have been 5. Naturally I didn't get to see that much of him when he was at uni, and when I did see him it wasn't in a brotherly bond type situation. Unfortunately due to me being at uni now I only get to see him a few times a year, and even then just for a weekend. You're right about not being sure what those feelings are (or what most feelings are at the moment). I'm fairly certain that if I told him he would just take it in his stride and very little (if anything) would change between us. I'm afraid I only know it from Scrubs, although given the majority of humour these days (not just Scrubs) I'm not surprised someone else did it first. Very true, I've got enough to be going on with for the time being. My concern is the fact that he is a very nice person in general, but straining relationships with him may have further implications down the line. I was debating letting my closest friends here know and just keeping it a secret from him. I don't like lying to people or keeping secrets (hence why I'd really like to let the other friend know at least part of what I think/feel) but it is the only way I can see of doing it. Thanks, I think I've resigned myself to the fact that chances are the majority of friends will not reciprocate the feelings if I were to tell them (I've have three friends that I'm strongly attracted to, including this one). I think simply having someone else who knows besides me will help in the first place, simply to know that its not just me hiding something from the world. Thanks for the advice, everything seems so much simpler to say/hear when hiding behind an anonymous face.
Mitch Hedberg was a brilliant comic! He died way before his time, but at least he went out partying (drug OD). http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg http://www.logan.ws/quotes/mitch-hedberg.asp That's entirely true, but at least in my case, and generally Lex's as well, I pretty much call 'em as I see 'em, and anything I'll say on the internets, I'd say in real life too. And you're right, what I said was rough (I think I even added that disclaimer to my post), but it's most assuredly true. Like I said, I hope for the best for you, and I think you'll be fine. Besides, you'd be surprised how many devout Catholics there are that are actually really good supportive people. Heck, one of my best friends in the world is VERY Catholic, and he's also very gay.
What would I say? I keep running over a conversation in my head (I've been trying to pluck up the courage to speak to him all day) but each time I run it through it sounds insane. How would you go about breaking the news to him? Thanks again.
>>>Besides, you'd be surprised how many devout Catholics there are that are actually really good supportive people. My Dad ftw. >>>How would you go about breaking the news to him? Find a bit of alone time with him. Then say, "I'd like to talk to you about something. Over the last several years, I've been questioning my sexuality. I don't know if I'm gay or bi or what, but it's something I'm still working on. You're my friend, and you're an important part of my life, and because of that, I felt you should know this." Lex
Thanks for all the advice. I officially came out to two people today. Naturally both were fairly shocked, but after the initial reaction they were both supportive. I still don't know 100% what is going on with me, whether I'm actually bi/gay, whether I'm just curious (doubtful) or whether I'm just going mad, but thankfully I've got a few people who know what is going on in my head now and it feels so much better.
