Well, once again I darken doors to ask for some help, but you're all so fantastic at it, you've only yourselves to blame. A basic story. I've come out to my parents about four, maybe five months ago. They've taken it pretty well, though they still seem to think it's a phase I'll get over when I meet the right girl. The general message is "Whatever makes you happy makes us happy." Two months ago, I get into a relationship with a guy (my very first) and it's actually functional. All's well. When Valentine's day comes along, I decide I'll spend the weekend at Uni with him, if only because tradition dictates I should, even though I normally vanish off home, since it's not too far away. I decide to kill two birds with one stone and tell my parents about my boyfriend, as well as explain why I wouldn't be coming home. Naturally, I check with him to make sure it's alright. It is. I explain away, my mother seems a little shocked and dissappointed, but I get the feeling that it's more over the staying away from home for a couple more weeks than the whole "boyfriend" thing. I hang up the phone and let it lie. Next morning (as always) I ring my mum to ask her how things are. Then hell breaks loose. Have I had sex with the guy? Now, how are you supposed to answer that question out of the blue, when it's your mother asking? I splutter a little and tell her that frankly, its none of her concern. She starts on a long tirade about how I'm not making the right choice, how I'll end up getting hurt, explaining that I haven't thought it through, practically suggesting that I should have asked permission first. All this, though, I can accept. "A man's got to do what a man's got to do...you owe it to prosterity" Is it just me, or is that just another way of saying "Grandchildren. Give me them. NOW."? I can't really take this, so I curtly tell her I've got to get to school, say bye and hang up. I end up sitting in a cubicle alone and crying, because really, I've no idea what the hell I'm supposed to do. So then...what happens now? My current plan is a couple of days/weeks of silent treatment, letting her cool down and then having a serious talk with her. Any other ideas?
>>>Have I had sex with the guy? Now, how are you supposed to answer that question out of the blue, when it's your mother asking? "Why do you ask? Did you want pictures?" It sounds like your mother is a bit bigger on grandchildren than perhaps you might have thought. And yes, I read that quote the same way you do. When she says "You owe it to posterity", she's probably really saying "You owe it to ME." Because, let's face it, the world isn't exactly short of human beings. She apparently wants one pretty bad. >>>My current plan is a couple of days/weeks of silent treatment, letting her cool down and then having a serious talk with her. Any other ideas? Well, that'd be the mature answer if you didn't use the term "silent treatment". The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive way of punishing someone you feel did you wrong. Is that really what you're trying to do? Does she have e-mail? It might be best to write her one. Apologize (yes, apologize) for cutting the conversation short, but tell her her comments took you by surprise. Let her know that you HAVE thought this through, and that you ARE "being safe", and that you're well aware that you may end up getting hurt. Not because you're dating a guy, but because that's a risk you take when you date ANYBODY. As for the posterity bit, just tell her that it appears that you weren't aware that giving her grandchildren was such a high priority for her. Say you'll give that some thought, and then don't comment any further. Lex
Trust me on this-there's a huge gap between parents accepting that you're gay and parents REALLY accepting that you're gay. It was a year after I came out before I brought a boyfriend around. In that time, my parents had been really good and accepting and bla bla blah. Yet, my mother insisted that my BF and I sleep in seperate rooms. There's a certain... Shock factor and finality to bringing home a guy for the first time (or going to stay with a guy in your case). Until now, your mother hasn't had to deal with the real-world implications of you being gay. How do you deal with it? Keep doing what you're doing. The only way to get the rest of the "I'm gay" puzzle put together is to live your life. Go see your boyfriend, and let your mom just deal with it. A good bit of advice I heard recently is that in your mother's eyes, you're still the eight-pound baby that she's just held in her arms for the first time. Right now, she thinks her baby's making the wrong choice because she doesn't know what's going on. Go visit your boyfriend (and be careful!), and as your mom realizes that having a boyfriend is part of what your being gay means and that it's ok, she'll come back down a bit.
