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Exes From BEFORE You Came Out...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by UCLA77, Feb 11, 2009.

  1. UCLA77

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    I was wondering if anyone here thinks it's possible for someone who recently came out to remain friends with an ex (of the opposite sex) that they were in a relationship with BEFORE they came out as gay.

    Well, I should rephrase the question, because of course it is possible. But lets say that you came out, and you really love your ex as a person and as a friend, but obviously not in a romantic or sexual attraction sort of way (because you're gay).

    Do you think it's fair to your ex, or to yourself, to remain friends, knowing that the ex still loves you very much romantically, and still has an intense desire to be with you? But at the same time, knows they can't ever be with you again because you're gay...

    I mean, if your ex said flat out that it would be painful for them when you do find a partner (of the same sex) would that create tension or awkwardness between the two of you? Would you want them to have to feel that pain, or would you think it would be best to keep your distance from eachother and for both of you to part ways to spare the pain?

    Sorry if this question is all over the place. I'm new to this!
     
  2. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC! :wave:

    I'd say a middle ground might be in order. If your ex still has some strong feelings for you, it's probably best to let her know that you're gay, then put some distance between you for awhile. This will allow her to absorb the information, and hopefully get you into the "friend" category instead of the "crush" category. Whether she chooses to do this is, of course, entirely up to her.

    Lex
     
  3. UCLA77

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    Actually, I was just explaining the story the best way I could, but I am the ex. My ex-girlfriend is a lesbian now. We have known eachother for a long time, and after our break up in 2007, we lost contact for a while.

    I was confused as to why she broke up with me. Everything was perfect when we were together, we even got to talking about marriage and children and the future. She was vague in her reasons for ending it. She said she realized that she has no romantic feelings for me, and she tried to ignore it, but she couldn't.

    About a year and a half later, she contacted me out of the blue, wanting to be in my life again. I was suspicious and hesitant. I didn't know why she was doing this. She said she didn't want to lose me as a friend. We got to talking, and she eventually told me she recently came out as a lesbian.

    We hung out for a few months and things were great between us. She explained how she tried to change being gay in the past so we could be together, but it just didn't work. To make a long story short, we got to talking about her finding a partner someday. She said she hopes that wouldn't be painful for me. I said it would be. Ever since then, contact between us had been less and less until it finally stopped completely, and I don't know why.
     
  4. Lexington

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    It appears you gave her the impression that you weren't over her yet, which, apparently, you weren't. Seeing as how it'd been about two years since the break-up, and you knew the situation, she perhaps decided that you were never going to really get over her. In which case, perhaps cutting you free might have been the best move.

    Lex
     
  5. Kat22

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    One of my male exes from high school is now one of my best friends and biggest supporters! It is possible!
     
  6. UCLA77

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    It's not that I wasn't supportive of her. I tried to be. I never said anything anti-gay, I never reacted in a negative way. I did tell her it was shocking news, but we were able to stay friends for a few months, just like old times, right up until the day I said that, "Yes, it will be painful for me when you find a partner, but I can accept it and deal with it,"

    Ever since I said that, she's backed off, more and more, and now we're not even talking at all. No contact whatsoever for almost 2 months now.
     
  7. Lexington

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    It does take two to tango. If you've attempted contact over the last few months, and she's not responding, that's her choice. Sucks, but there you be. If it's any consolation, a similar thing happened to me with my first boyfriend. Even worse, he'd drop off the face of the earth for months at a time - no calls returned, no e-mails answered, nothing. And then, six to ten months later, he'd contact me. "You know, we never talk anymore." Then we'd be friends again for about a month, and then, again, nothing. Annoying as hell. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  8. UCLA77

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    It's sad, because at one point, she was crying to me, apologizing for the way things are. She said she knows things between us would be perfect if she was straight, because all the other feelings are there. Just not the romantic/sexual ones. She cried, and apologized for being "defective." I told her there was no need to apologize, and that being gay doesn't mean she is "defective." I wish I never said that it would be painful for me when she finds a girlfriend. Maybe things would've been different between us right now.

    But you're right, I wasn't over her, I'm not over her, and I haven't been over her for 10 years. Sometimes I feel like I'll never truly be over her. The difference now is that, in the past, I always had a tiny shred of hope that we'd be together again, no matter how bad the circumstances were. But now that she's finally come out as gay, there can't be any hope for that. Maybe it still hasn't totally sunk in yet. I'm so used to seeing her as a straight person. It's all I've ever known. I'm so used to her being with men, that it's all my mind can think about.
     
    #8 UCLA77, Feb 12, 2009
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2009