I posted this on the a different forum, they said it's better if I post it here and I might get a better advice.. so yeah.. here you go : "I'm 24... not really quite sure 'bout things right now. I've never been in a relationship with either sex... call that really unusual but that's so true for me. I have very often had to face my parents scrutiny as to why I've never had anyone introduced to them as the love of my life. I have always been one of the boys at home, I have always felt more comfortable being just that little tomboy at home but I know I was attracted to men and women are a nuisance especially those who stands out and turns out getting the guy that I like. I spent my high school in an all girls school, I remember a girl asking me once if I could probably consider a same sex relationship and that's something that made me really feel grossed, not that I'm condemning those who choose those type of affairs but I just knew it was not for me. The closest thing to a relationship that I had was with this guy I meet at my first job who made me feel extra special, I never had a chance to confirm anything with him cause sadly he had to give up the job for a greener pasture. He's definitely the first guy that I ever cried over for, first lost love tears I bet, but then just as I was on the process of moving on with that lost there is this girl I met at that same job, I don't know but for some reason everything about her just seemed so amusing for me. I first thought it might just be me wanting to have a little sister to take care of. She used to be that girl who's left alone at the corner cause she was so shy to make friends with other co-workers but somehow I've figured how to get her to talk to people and even influenced her to drinking out with colleagues. We became inseparable, then a part of me just loved to think of her, I could remember every single thing that she tells me about herself. It likes automatically gets saved to my long term memory, if that even makes sense. I started to freak out when I realized that all those things I might be feeling for her was no longer normal, I've always convinced myself that I would fall only for men and that I ought to be married have kids and live like how it's taught to me by my family. I had to get my act together, so I ran as fast as I could, I know that I could live w/o her and that leaving her should not mean anything to me. I resigned from work. Found a new career and did really great with it. We remained friends though I refused to see her cause it made me feel really uncomfortable and seeing her makes me really confused about how and why I'm feeling different 'bout her. The group of friends that I used to have at that work was really kind enough to make her a part of the squad, I was mostly absent on our gatherings since the new job I found eat up most of my time. Until the other day, I had so much stress at work so a night out with my gals would not be a bad idea, it has been over a year since I last thought about her so I figured I was so over it. Thing is... the entire time I was with my friends, I can't stop looking at her and no matter what the topic was discussed by the squad I always knew what her respond would be because every single thing that she said about what she like and didn't like was still so fresh to me. I was so tempted to touch her, to hold her hands, I've missed her so bad I didn't want the night to last. Thoughts of her bugs me so much... I'm suppose to be at work right now but here I am writing this letter here.. *sigh* I wanted to go ahead tell myself that I maybe really a lesbian... time to accept reality or could it be that I'm just over thinking? Will telling her about this help me figuring my sexuality or should I just try let it go like I did before?"
