I mean Really Mom

Talk about a rough night! :eek: It sounds like your mom and your ex may already suspect you're not straight. Group dynamics can be tough--it seems like once one person makes a derogatory comment, others feel they can pile on. When you're ready, a one on one with your mother might induce a very different reaction.

And you know you can vent here anytime! (*hug*)

 

I actually completely understand how you feel. I am in the same situation! Granted, a situation like that didn't happen to me, but I can relate to all your feelings. I often find that my family is unaccepting of who I am. I haven't come out to them by the way. Still kinda confused about my whole situation. Anyway, so I know they promote the whole "general acceptance" thing for me, but it's very obvious how they feel about gay people. I have overheard them talking a couple times about my uncle (who is gay) and it makes me feel awful. Just the way they talk about him and how he acts is so rude.

It's really hard since I'm conflicted with my family being you know...my family. But I know I have to be myself. Your situation sounds just as bad, that sucks...do you maybe have a good friend who could help you out? I mean like, I haven't come out yet, but I was thinking that if I will, I will try to talk to my friend first who I know will be okay with it and support me. I think that this way, she can help me to begin to approach my parents alone. I don't know what to tell you about approaching your mom though since I hardly know the answer and I'm still trying to deal with my family. Sorry! I would maybe try to approach her one-on-one though. But then again, sorry if this is useless. :icon_sad:

Good luck with everything too.

 

Ouch. It sucks that this all happen to you in one night. When someone interrogates you like that out of nowhere and gives you a long speech about something you don't care about/doesn't apply to you, it can be really awkward, especially if they say mean comments like your mom said. You should one day sit down with your mom in private when yo ucome out to her and explaing the truth about gay people and dispel what she's heard about them. And you should have told your cousin in the most polite way "M.Y.D.B.!" and to go back to his soon-to-be fiance because he was all up in the Kool-Aid and didn't know the flavor. LOL :eusa_hand

 

That's rough dude. Don't beat yourself up for denying it to your ex though, cause you know if you said you were gay it would get around in no time and could end up getting back to your friends and family, and you probably wouldn't want them to find out from some stupid gossip queen. It seems like you need to confide in some close friends you really trust and think will be cool with it before taking on the attitude that you won't deny it if asked.

And I don't know your parents, but I doubt you can expect them to be cool with it right away, so you may want to wait til you're not living with them to tell them. They might not kick you out, but it could make things uncomfortable. When you do tell your your parents though, there are resources I'd give them immediately like the pflag material, and some movies you could ask them to watch like For the Bible Tells Me So, and Prayers for Bobby. This is assuming they have religious objections to homosexuality.

 

I love that! :roflmao:

 

i dont get that joke...

but dude dont beat yourself up over it it was just bad-luck

 

LOL Well, that was the best thing to say.

 

Ouch rough dude. Best piece of advice I can give you is to get out on your own and start building your life. Once you do that there is not much they can do to you if don't accept you. Yeah it will hurt like a son of a bitch, but you'll still be able to take care of yourself.

 

omg! im so sorry! tat sucks! a while ago my mom was lik really raggin on me about the possiblity tat i might b gay. nd the way she was talking about it nd asking me, it sounded lik she was laughing at the idea tat she though it was disgustingly hilarious. i just got so pissed off everytime. nd lik a lot of the ppl around me, when they say something is lik bad or gross or stupid they say "oh tats gay" nd i just get so pissed.

i told my school counselor about my mom nd she said "if she's asking this way its best to lie to her" so tats what i think u shud do. i kno that counselors and teachers and adults always say tat u shudnt lie! but right now the way shes talking its best to lie to her

 

Ouch, thats rough all for one day man.

Similar stuff happened to me, not exaclty the same, but I know the feeling. The holidays this year. . . . god I'm glad they're over with. I'm a middle child, and fit the role very well. My family tends to be close. Well, my brother and sister soak up the sun and i'm just kind of there. So anyways we did thanksgiving, christmas tree "hunting", christmas, even went to NYC to see all that christmas shit together all as a family. We do all the holiday stuff together. My older sister just got engaged, and my younger brother has a steady gf. So when we did all the family stuff i was the only single one. It was VERY awkward for me this year. With everything we did, I was the 7th wheel to the crowd. I stuck out like a sore thumb. And it was very noticable, they were being overly nice to me. I'm like, just leave me be.

When we were all in the city viewing the christmas sights, there was a demonstration in times square. Out of all the times i've ever been in the city, never seen one. So what was this one for? Gay rights. Well that was a complete treat to see how my entire family all at once reacts to gays as we were walking by. I was petrified! I can't even put to words how it felt right then and there. I could have cried. My mom said something to me as we were walking about why they were there and rolled her eyes. I'm like "Whats left? blacks got their rights, women got theirs, whats really left for people to fight for?" No reaction. The thought crossed my mind to turn around, grab flyers from one of the kids and start handing them out to my family. Just when i was thinking i could talk with them, that city trip happened. So the holidays are over (FINALLY) and i'm back to my peaceful existance by myself.

Then i did end up telling my brother a few weeks ago. I'm only out to 3 ppl. My bro and 2 friends. Its a very recent thing and i'm thinking it was a mistake to tell my brother. He didn't really react. He kind of just ignored the fact i just told him I was gay. But he did mention how he doesn't believe in gay marriage. That made it in the conversation. We havent brought it back up since and i dont really hear from him anymore. Although in his defense he lives for the moment and just really cares for himself. So whatever.

Words of encouragement. . . I don't really have any for you CautiousCameron. But you're not alone. I know the feeling.

 

hey cam,

i personally am in the exact same situation, but im not worrying over it.. let me explain
as you know i also have a great relationship with my mum and there has been many times whilst around other people she has made rude remarks about gays... that sort of thing just happens and i truly believe for the most part it has no reflection on their actual attitudes toward gays. i myself have made rude remarks against gays whilst around my friends just because thats the way the conversation is heading, and im gay! lol.

from what ive heard your relationship is strong with your mum and i honestly think when you are ready to tell her nothing will change, but as with my self, its gonna take a lot of courage building.

i also sympathize with you about being asked directly, i recently had a conversation over my facebook with a guy that i like AND sets my gaydar off, it went like this:

him: so have u got a gf yet?
me: nope
him: bf?
me: hehe nope
him: ur gay??
me: no


AAGGHH so frustrating, its never simple!


but srsly i wouldnt worry over your mum rejecting you or distancing her self, things are obviously gonna be a little different, but she still your mother, and your still her son.

Cam

 

im sorry *hugs*
i really want people to ask me if im gay.
then i wouldnt stress about starting the topic
and i would just say yes, and then my life would
be easier...-_-

 

>>>I'm a middle child, and fit the role very well.

Been there, done that. My parents have done their best not to keep me in the loop, but yeah, I did get some classic MCS (Middle Child Syndrome). Simple visual - my mother loves taking photos, and has photo albums of everybody in our family. My older brother has three photo albums devoted to him, and my sister just filled up her second. I've got one, and I don't think it's quite full yet.

But for me anyway, it's not quite as bad as that sounds. Us kids joke about it routinely. And I know my sister resented being "Daddy's favorite" almost as much as I resented being "the middle kid". I'm at peace with the fact that my parents may pay more attention to my siblings from time to time. It's a bit late in the game to expect them to change their behavior now. And they've always been kind and supportive in everything I've done, so it'd be silly to pout about this comparitively minor thing (to my eyes).

>>>i really want people to ask me if im gay. then i wouldnt stress about starting the topic and i would just say yes, and then my life would be easier...-_-

As you may have seen from this topic, it sometimes ain't that easy. When asked, we might feel like we're being confronted, and we deny it. It'd be a lot easier if people just KNEW. Maybe via press release - "LEXINGTON IS GAY. THANK YOU."

Way back to the OP.

Both your mother and your cousin seem as if they may have a bit of traditional view on marriage. Not just "one man and one woman", but that marrigae is something specifically that one should focus and aim for. I'm not sure I understand why they feel you need to find yourself a woman to marry when you're 20 years old and (apparently) still live at home.

I'm all for marriage, gay and straight. But as an effect, not a separate thing. For someone to meet somebody else, hit it off, spend a lot of time together, fall completely in love, and want to get married...that's wonderful. To start at ground zero and say "I want to get married", before there's a person in mind, is damned silly. It makes the ring more important than the person. But I know families like this. They get extremely excited if they find out that so-n-so is engaged, but they don't seem interested in the groom*, other than whether or not he can provide for her. Yes, finances are important, but don't you care about the guy at all? What if he's got a violent temper, y'know?

Eyes on the prize. One shouldn't say "I want to get married". One should say "I want to find somebody that I can love enough to want to get married."

Wow, this is digression city here. Sorry, OP. Back to you.

I wouldn't say your mother is hopeless. But I think she IS looking at things in a traditional way. She looks into the future, and sees you getting married to a woman. She may, in fact, see the wedding much more clearly than the marriage. (Surprising how many people this is true of.) And she sees you there, not dating girls. To your way of thinking, it's obvious why you're not dating girls - you don't have any interest in them. But she sees you...well, slacking. She thinks she just needs to nudge you along, you'll date a girl, you'll fall in love, you'll get married, life is perfect. Anything that deviates from this, she may have trouble getting her brain around.

Does this mean she'll never understand? No. But yeah, it'll probably take time and effort. There'll probably be some tears involved. And there'll probably be some questions. Ones you think are obvious ("Why don't you just try dating a girl?"), but ones that will probably be asked. Remember - you've had years to get used to you being gay. Your mother hasn't had any time at all.

So what to do? Honestly, I'd wait. Work on getting yourself independent. Because so long as you live under her roof, she'll be right there. There won't really have a corner to retreat to. Once you're on your own, you can tell her, and you can choose how long or how little to talk to her about it.

Lex

* - the excitement almost always seems to be in this direction, too. Fred getting married is very nice. But Sara getting married is cause for great excitement. She "landed a man". She won't "be an old maid". Weird.

 

Mate you need to tell a friend who you can trust so that you can vent and have someone to give you a hug when things like this get you down

 

Hey look, I'm really not looking to stress or pressure you - honestly.

You 'mini profile' on the left of the post screen, says you are "confused - still trying to figure it out". Is that still the case? If so, how could you answer your mom, cousin, or ex-gf any other way than how you did?

So stop beating yourself up about it, yeah?

Alternatively, if you now have reached some form of personal understanding about where your preferences currently lie; then yeah, try to find the strength to have a calm and controlled one to one with your mom.

It's true that you have extra barriers to overcome because of your family's religious faith. If you decide, however, you'd rather 'maintain the status quo' in your family and your community in Geogia by not saying anything; then you must realise that these unhappy and hurtful occurrences are likely to be repeated in the future, and you'll feel the hurt over again.

There's probably no clear right and wrong for you here, it has to be your personal choice Cameron; but neither is going to be 'the easy option'. Both will require courage and will include an element of risk.

Try thinking 'in a perfect world, what would I most like to do', then explore if you think you have the strength to go ahead with it in the real world. If necessary make lists about your possible courses of action, and the 'pros and cons' of each option; to help you to identify what you're most comfortable with. When listed on paper in front of you, sometimes the answers (to previously confusing decisions we need to make) can look quite obvious.

It'll be up to you to decide but I really hope whichever decision you make will be the right one for you.

Take care and good luck, Kayar. X

 

I was plain out asked one day at work when I was new a few years ago. My co-worker grabs me in the hallway with a bunch of people around and goes, "Hey, LostInNJ are you gay?", I felt like I got hit with a bus. I'm like, !@#$% no, why? He's like good, i have a girl for you. He had no speculation i was gay. He was just being a jerk-off before he tried hooking me up with his friends daughter. Being asked isn't always easy.