The thought of jumping out my building caused my stomach to flutter and my mind to get away from me but I felt guilty about not leaving my estranged daughter a note at least explaining why I had jumped out of an eight story building. I went on line and googled, “latent homosexuality” and read the words “Possible OCD” and somehow I got to “HOCD”. It happened one day about thirty years ago in a medium security prison when I was 23 or 24 years old. I was two years into a fifteen year sentence for which I eventually served ten. I was in the yard playing dominoes and happened to glance at two black guys walking the yard. One had a huge penis which you could make out through his sweats and “Yummy” popped into my mind from out of nowhere. I bowed my head and walked away from the game. There was no doubt in my mind I was turning gay and I made a vow that I would kill and die but I would not be gay. My hyper-masculinity kicked in and in no time getting into trouble landed me in a maximum security penitentiary with lifers and institutionalized inmates who raped and killed at will. Two years later I was shitting bloody diarrhea and the prison medics told me I had colon cancer and I couldn’t be happier. From Leavenworth, Kansas they put me on a bus to Terre Haute, Indiana then to Lewisburg, Pennsylvania; Atlanta, Georgia; Texarkana, Texas and to my destination of Springfield, Missouri less than 200 miles where I had started from. Since I was maximum security, I had to spend 24 hours a day, seven days a week for the six or seven weeks locked up in isolation. I fantasized constantly about killing one or two sexual predators before cancer took me and I somehow felt temporary relief from shame of my thoughts. When one of the intrusive thoughts (I had no idea they were intrusive then) popped in, I’d isolate—no pun intended—inside my head and I’d cuss at God (I’m not very religious) angry at Him but not for giving me cancer but for making me gay. I spent another five or six weeks locked up in a prisoner hospital cell isolated waiting for a biopsy when I decided I was going to face my homosexual fears. I deliberately thought, “If I’m going to be a faggot anyway, I might as well get used to having some big ass ni**er up my ass.” (Sorry, I’m a white Colombian Latino and the word “ni**er” is not meant to be racial in any way). The thought was so absurd that I felt immediate relief as if a truck had been lifted from my shoulders and right then and there I knew that I did not want to be gay. I cried and cried in isolation for two weeks begging God not to take my life and one day they took me back home less than two hundred miles away to Leavenworth, Kansas. I was there the same day. A few weeks later medics told me I had ulcerative colitis and that I would live. The thoughts, however, never left me completely and there were also feelings. There would be a sensation like a faint tingling around my lips and I was sure “gayness” was going to overtake me and if my butt felt “loose” I was certain that it was my body changing to more rounded curves and I was sure it was affecting my walk. I would go “run it off” in the yard or go out and play handball which I was very good at until my walk and my “loose” butt got back to normal. I would not look at my penis when I masturbated and I would wipe my butt with my left hand thinking I could somehow prevent some stimulation that would trigger a feeling that would surely turn me gay. It was terrible but somehow I got through eight more years of prison but always walking on egg shells and going into panic every time a homosexual thought or feeling popped into my mind and I’d go berserk anytime anyone insinuated or made sexual advances at me. I think survival took precedence over anything and getting “punked” inside maximum security was pretty much a death sentence anyway, especially during the eighties with the AIDS epidemic. In retrospect it was a daily struggle to keep my sanity. There was never a sexual encounter during my ten years in prison. I got out, got married, had kids, got divorced and had a few girlfriends all within a span of twenty years. Life has been good and life has been hell and I had no clue why. All my relationships ended with none of my exes talking to me. I can’t form intimate relationships with women and I can’t form friendship bonds with men. The fear of slipping into homosexuality is ever present causing me panic and forced isolation. I have said, “fuck it” at least once or twice every year and I’ve had my penis sucked by gay men at times becoming violent in my drunken states. Every time the guilt and shame got worse and I couldn’t understand why but I always ended up back to normal. Many times I just wanted to end my life. And this is where I am after thirty years of hell. I had been dating a girl for a year who is very open minded about sexual matters and little by little she encouraged me to bring out my sexual thoughts and fantasies. I’d been fighting this thing for thirty years and opening up to my girlfriend for the past year made me confident that I might be at least bisexual. Two weeks ago, my open minded girlfriend dumped me for the very same homosexual thoughts she had encouraged me to bring out. I couldn’t believe it; she was my safety net and I felt betrayed. One week ago I contacted a very feminine transsexual and decided to get this conflict over with and make the life changes I needed. “I would at least be happy and stop fighting with myself,” I thought. The person was nothing like in the pictures. With high heels, He/she was at least ten inches taller than me (I'm six feet tall) and was huge though proportionally a woman. I got home disgusted with myself and for the first time ever jumping out a window seemed a possibility; it seemed welcoming and a cure for the pain and confusion...(I'm also in court to see my boy who's alienated from me so my problems aren't just HOCD) but I had to explain to my daughter, at least. It’s been three days since I took the first on-line test for HOCD and have taken a few more since and I get close to 100 percent on all the tests I’ve taken. I withheld this information from at least five or six psychologists too embarrassed to mention anything and because I was feeling “normal” for most of the time. I had taken many psychological tests were “intrusive thoughts” were mentioned and I always clicked “no” knowing random thoughts never popped into my mind—just the homosexual ones that didn’t count. I was sure my problems came from violence, drugs, alcohol, incarceration, abandonment, isolation and toxic women, to name but a few. On the other hand I can’t seem to shake the sadness and the pain for all the pain I’ve caused my ex-wife (my first relationship ever at 34 years of age), my daughter twenty years old who’s pretty much estranged, my boy eleven whom I haven’t been present for. I’ve been there for my boy but not present. How can I make amends to my parents whom I have blamed for somehow having raised weak children? There are so many people I’ve hurt and I am only now able to see this. But most of all, how can make amends to myself. I see a shrink tomorrow and I’ve ordered some books on OCD. I have not seen anything specifically for HOCD so if anyone knows of any or can recommend any books, I’d appreciate it. P.S. I’ve been sober for five years and have been doing twelve step work for five years now and I’ve only figured this out now. I’m grateful at least, to have some tools to help me recover from this demon but just being in this “coming out” community terrifies me but where else can I go.
I'll admit, I don't know a lot about HOCD. I do know about OCD, however, and forgive me if I'm ignorant, but looking up the term, I can't distinguish much of a difference between the two, aside from HOCD being that of obsessing over sexuality. There are a lot of people who obsess over sexuality. And there are OCD people who obsess over sexuality, I'm sure. I don't know what makes HOCD so different from those people that it needs it's own category. So I'll give you what I know. OCD involves things that bother you. Or rather, things that might bother normal people. Things like having clean hands, or having your socks match, or having a stack of books be straight, or double checking to make sure of something important. That's relatively normal. Imagine that to an extreme and irrational level. That's OCD. Once noticing the things that bother them, the person with OCD then feels a compulsive desire to "fix things", to make the feeling go away. What I'm hearing from you; you're obsessing over... Blame and disgust...? And that gives you the compulsion to jump out a window, right? Maybe there's something I'm missing there. Let me know if I am, but that's what I'm getting, anyways. From that, I'm not sure that you have OCD. Or at least, maybe not the kind that I'm familiar with. Maybe you do have HOCD and I'm just that clueless about it. Of course, it doesn't hurt to take a look at it in any case. Getting to know OCD could help you cope with your obsessing. Do what works for you. OCD matters set aside, I really wish you the best of luck. We all care about you here. Please be safe; I'd appreciate that.
What I'm gathering is that you're gay, but you don't want to be gay. But the fact that you've not only been denying yourself, but mentally can't accept the fact that you're a homosexual has caused a lot of problems in your life. When I struggled with coming out, my therapist told me that it was better to admit to yourself that you're gay now, whether you like it or not, than to get married, have kids, and decide later that it isn't what you want. Because that will ruin a lot more lives than just your own. My advice now would be to try your best to stop running from your feelings. I know all forms of OCD are hard to control, and I know, like a lot of people, that being homosexual can be a very shameful thing at the beginning, but you can't help who you are. And in the end, the only way to fix the relationships that you've messed up, is to fix yourself first, and to be selfish for once.
Hi, No one on an internet forum can "diagnose" you, but I can offer thoughts from what you're describing. I can't say for sure, but what you're describing does not sound like OCD. (For clarification purposes, there's no actual "HOCD" any more than there is "flipping light switches OCD" or "locking locks OCD". People with OCD have constant intrusive, obsessive thoughts that are uncontrollable, but (the important part for you) they have absolutely no actual attraction or interest in people of the same sex. They will repeatedly check, watch gay porn and see if it arouses them, and so forth... but in spite of never getting any positive indicator, they continue to obsess over whether or not they are gay. Additionally, nearly everyone who has OCD has the obsessive thoughts associated with multiple things (typically checking and rechecking), and it is not limited to one topic, such as homosexuality. There is zero credible evidence for a branch of OCD limited solely to homosexual thoughts. That's a lie perpetrated by the right-wing religious crazies that gives people who are actually gay, but afraid to admit it, a way to stay in denial about being gay. It's also a complete waste of time. Any online tests claiming to check for HOCD are, quite simply, bullshit, and not tied to any valid research. You, on the other hand, are describing feeling arousal toward men, being attracted to men's genetalia, having difficulty performing with, and connecting deeply with, women. None of those would likely be the case if you were actually OCD with a focus on sexual orientation. So I can't say definitively, but from what you describe, it sounds a lot more like there's very, very severe anxiety and shame associated not with the fear you're gay, but with the very deep and unconscious knowledge that you are actually attracted to guys. I know this isn't what you want to hear at all. And I can't 100% say for sure... but from what you describe, it's very hard to interpret it as anything else. If I am correct, then the path for you is to talk about your feelings with your therapist, not try to convince her that you have OCD, but to honestly explore your feelings. As Ginger019723 correctly points out, fixing yourself first is the most important thing. And that means going right into the fears and working through them. If you are, in fact gay, there's nothing you can do about it... you were born that way and it's hardwired and unchangeable. I do hope you'll stick around as I think you'll find this community to be very helpful. Keep in mind that no one here has any agenda as to whether you're gay, straight, or somewhere in between. Our focus is simply on helping you accept and love yourself exactly as you are.
