Aaaah, my head hurts...

Ummm, well this is awkward....

I guess i'll start this story at the beginning and then ask some questions at the end...

My name is Kaleb (this is a lie, but you can call me this anyways), and i'm a closet gay. I live with my mum and my stepfather (i count him as my father, he has been such for the majority of my life). My real father is a transsexual who lives in Sydney, he's out of the closet and i haven't seen him for about 5 years.

I currently have a crush on my friends younger brother, he's in the year beneath us and i'm FAIRLY sure that he is gay also, this could just be my own feelings though... My friend is an out of the closet gay himself, so i don't really see him having any problems with this, but still... Most of my friends are very accepting of homosexuality, I have at least one gay friend and am friends with several lesbians also, i've always been nothing but supportive of them.

One of my close female friends came out as a lesbian just last week, i remember that she had been very upset and was crying a lot. I made sure i was there for her the whole time, and when she first told us I'd given her a high five. None of my friends seemed to care very much about it, and none of them rejected her because of it.

I want to come out and just tell my friends the truth, i'm pretty sure they would accept me, but the person i'm worried most about is my crush. If he doesn't accept me then i'll be left alone to deal with the whole process... If he does though, i'll be in my own personal paradise. I'm pretty sure i'm strong enough for both alternatives, but it's still driving me insane just thinking about it.

The next biggest problem is my family. My mum is outwardly accepting of gays, but she's had a very traumatising experience with one in her past - namely my father. I know that i am gay but i also know that if i told her it would probably hurt her again. My (step)father i'm not sure about, i don't really like him that much and i don't know how he'd react. My sister (she's a year younger than me) would probably be accepting, we are very close. My youngest sister is too young to know what this all means.

now it's down to the questions...

Should i come out and just tell my family/friends?

Should i tell my crush that i like him?

How should i do this?


Any help here would be greatly appreciated... Thankyou.

 

well... i'm going to the movies this arvo with said crush. Just me. And him.

how much more perfect a situation could i possibly want... *sigh*

 

Ok, back!

I'm sure you're all dying to hear about what happened this afternoon with the whole movie thing, so here goes...

I rode over to his (gah, lack of name... let's call him Aaron for simplicity's sake) place and we stayed there for a little while before heading off to catch the bus. One bus trip and much chatting and joking later (nothing too conseqential), we arrived at the movies. We argued briefly over whether or not we should see Transporter 3 or Changeling, we decided with a coin toss though and Transporter 3 it was...

The movie was already starting so we went over and got some drinks and popcorn, i paid for the tickets so he paid for these. We snuck into the movie and found a couple seats near the edge, I love the movie theatre we went too - it has arm rests that can be folded up between the seats

anyways, to cut a long story short i probably spent more of the time watching him than the movie... I leant up against him a bit, and he really didn't seem to mind - he seemed to be watching me almost as much, and kept smiling the whole time. He even yawned a few times, stretching his arms out a bit - i almost swear he was debating whether or not to put an arm around me, i wish he had...

after the movie we wandered around a little, but the shops we're closing so we had to call it a day and head home. At the bus station i remembered that i had brought my camera.... hehe... I spent the next couple of minutes taking a heap of photos, mostly of Aaron - he kept hiding and smiling like crazy... gah, he's so cute when he's smiling...

We got on the bus again, and started the trip home... we contined with meaningless chatter, and he kept up with the whole smiling thing, i wanted to just hug him right there, but i'm still too scared... i sat next to him and we took more photos, he got hold of the camera and it was my turn to hide. I'm sooooo un-photogenic.

Anyway, we got to the interchange and had half an hour before the next bus came, so we went to get something to eat. I got popcorn chicken for KFC and he got a burger... on the way back i was literally feeding him popcorn chicken from my hand. We still had a few minutes til the bus came, so i plucked up my courage and started a game of truth or dare...

I started out with fairly innocent questions/dares and he played right along. In the end i asked him something like "whats ur deepest secret?" and he dodged around the question a bit before giving a rather lame answer. Then he asked me the same question right back. Damn it...

I told him to guess - so he says "You're Gay?" i froze up a bit, then i just bit the bullet and said yes. He didn't seem to react in the slightest, so i asked him truth or dare again, he said truth. I asked him if he was gay. he said, and i quote, "I don't like to think so." Not an outright denial, but not exactly a confession either.... DAMN IT!

The bus arrived then, so we both got on - i was feeling a bit funny - i'd just come out for the first time ever, and he didn't seem to care... Anyways, we rode the bus back home and he hijacked my wallet and started going through it... Still smiling like crazy... I got off the bus, and he said goodbye as if nothing had happened...

I don't know what to think :/ HELP!

Kaleb.

 

next date? *blushes*

Well, he did say see you monday... though i guess we do have school

Also, if this helps you guys at all - He's in the year below me and the last couple of days he's been hanging around me and my group. And, not that i notice this (*looks around embarressedly*) he always seems to be looking at me... And he barely even looks at/notices any of my other friends.

Also, whenever he sees me - even if it's an inconvenience, he comes over to talk to me... Once i swear i saw one of his friends pushing him towards me when i walked past them...

Am i over analysing this? I sound like some kind of girl who's completely obssessed with a guy.... except i'm a GUY who's completely obssessed with a guy...

Anyways, more comments/help is VERY WELCOME!

Kaleb (thx 4 the name compliment btw , i love this name too...)

 

Lol - TELL ME ABOUT IT! I have'nt gotten my P's yet, so i still rely on them for most of my transport...

Anyways - I can still hope... I'll try and keep you peoples updated as it progresses...

Kaleb.

 

Wow - you thought THAT was good? that's a very quick rather shoddy piece of non-fiction writing... I write a little bit of fiction as well... which is kinda based on truth. It's on deviantART, is posting a link there in direct contravension of the rules or not?

Kaleb.